Kamala Harris

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Black Masks Matter.

Kamala Devi Harris (born October 20, 1964) is the junior U.S. Senator from California. She is in the Democratic Party, but unlike Joe Biden, she has never claimed, "I am the Democratic Party." She is the Vice Presidential selection of Democratic nominee Biden in the 2020 election, against Republicans Donald Trump and Mike Pence. Harris will lead her country into either a new Utopia or Hell, depending on whether you listen to Mika Brzezinski or Rush Limbaugh.

In a field where the combined ages of Biden, Pence, and Trump exceed 1,000 years, Harris is uniquely "youthful," surely less likely to nod off during, say, an enemy nuclear attack than the grand-dads. If elected, Harris will be just a heartbeat away from the top job, and it is no coincidence that the Biden campaign has enlisted a large squadron of food tasters to start work on January 21, 2021.

Negritude[edit]

Young Kamala with her wedgie hairstyle.

First things first: Harris is, to use the currently acceptable vernacular, as black as the ace of spades, or as black as it would be if it were the color of a Milky Way bar. She is a woman, to boot, and thus a "woman of color." She has virtually all the boxes checked, except that she does not cross-dress, is in an apparently stable heterosexual marriage, and even states on Twitter that her Preferred Pronouns are "she" and "her" (though, in debates, they are "me" and "mine"). But the Democratic Party has overlooked all of that.

Joe Biden took hell from the feminists during the Democratic primary campaign, and countered by promising to nominate a woman as running mate. Later, when black people demonstrated, Biden painted himself into a smaller corner by promising to nominate a "woman of color," a promise that limited the candidates to 5. (Chiropractors were also dissatisfied with Biden's nomination, but fortunately they did not conduct public protests, or Biden might have left the two-spot entirely vacant.)

Harris's dark skin is a product of her father (from Jamaica) and mother (from India). Consequently, despite having no heritage in Africa, she is sure to have instant appeal to African Americans, who will view her as a respite from white folks in Washington, who are racist (all of them). In fact, Harris's closest encounter with African Americans during her tenure as a California prosecutor was jailing them, if their kids skipped school or if they smoked marijuana. She does have a nexus to Negro slavery, but only that her family on her father's side used to own some. Nevertheless, the old saw tells us that no one lost an election by overestimating voter intelligence — a metric on which African Americans are continually striving for equality.

Kamala Chameleon[edit]

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Harris's career as a district attorney took off when she began "working under" Assembly Speaker Willie Brown. High-profile appointments to the Unemployment Appeals Board and Medical Assistance Corporation followed the no-profile appointments with Brown.

In 2002, Harris was elected D.A. of San Francisco, and in 2010, was elected California Attorney General. She pursued these law-and-order offices with the same zeal that her eventual running mate, Joe Biden, brought to his signature Crime Bill that cracked down on crack cocaine. No one knew that, by 2020, fashions would change so drastically that the base would expect each candidate to promise to dismantle police departments, smile and nod at looters and rioters, and refuse to utter the words "law and order" during a debate.

U.S. Senator[edit]

In 2016, Harris was elected to the U.S. Senate. She compiled a voting record that resembles that of Bernie Sanders, though Sanders, to continue to be invited to parties back home in Vermont and the subsequent games of Meat Bingo, has to accommodate gun rights. This leaves Harris as the most extreme-left member of the Senate, and an odd running mate for career centrist Joe Biden.

Harris sits on the Judiciary Committee, which reports on Presidential nominations for judgeships. Harris rose to national prominence during the hearings on Brett Kavanaugh for the Supreme Court. The hearings were extended when it came out that a teenage Kavanaugh spiked punch bowls and organized a series gang-rapes at parties, according to a woman who was victimized on each of the dozen occasions she returned to the venue, despite being several years older than, and living in a different city from, Kavanaugh. Management of this case fell to Harris — Cory Booker unavailable after his "Spartacus moment" — and she prosecuted it successfully, if what one wants is for her party to reduce its 49-51 Senate minority to 47-53.

Harris will get an encore in the midst of the 2020 campaign, as Trump has stubbornly insisted on exercising his power to fill the latest vacancy with Amy Coney Barrett. Harris will present the case against her, despite examining her in detail for her first judgeship in 2017. Harris has stated that Barrett's Catholicism will not be at issue — this time — only her Catholic bias.

Campaign for President[edit]

"Did you try any of the candy I gave you today, Joe?"

Hillary Clinton's defeat in 2016, and especially her three-year tour to sell her autobiography, I Lost and It's Your Fault, prompted a majority of Democratic National Committee members to visit her and remind her she had sworn she would never run again. The 2020 nomination seemed wide open, even wider than the 2016 Republican race that foisted Trump on a baffled nation. With it evident that "anyone can win," Harris joined a 25-person pool of office-holders, billionaires, self-styled comedians, and accomplished homosexuals to seek the Presidency.

The high point in this campaign was Harris's admission to the prime-time presidential debate (rather than relegation to the second-tier debate broadcast after everyone's bedtime). Bafflingly, Harris spent less time touting her own capabilities than trying to take out the candidate then in the lead — none other than Joe Biden, whom Harris called a segregationist and a perv. She landed lethal blows, until the Democratic Party contrived to induce all the other candidates to inexplicably drop out just before a major state election date.

But the lethal blows took their toll on Harris, too, on the overrated scale of likeability. Harris was polling only 7% in her home state of California, and spending most of her time insisting that what she said the day before was not to be taken so literally, when she realized there was a higher calling; namely, do anything other than continue to burn cash and credibility.

Selection for Vice President[edit]

Trick or treat!

Parties must select their nominee relatively early in the election year (especially if not "democratic"), and early in 2020, America was simply humming along. (Then, see Coronavirus.) Speculation is that Biden, resting on his laurels in his Wilmington, Delaware basement except for daily ordeals fighting off Canada geese during the trip to the mailbox, was chosen because of his expendability. The inevitable loss would not harm the Democratic strategy nor himself as a future Party asset.

Likewise, many view Harris as a low-risk candidate for Vice President, as her term in the Senate lasts through 2022, time enough to do whatever she was going to do anyway, and to survive the additional things she would have to do on behalf of the Biden/Harris ticket.

Little did anyone know that the 2020 election would not so much be about the Democratic Party's platform or candidates, as about Donald Trump — with the active encouragement of Trump — which is the worst thing that could happen to Trump. The Party would be wondering: Who could we have had, if we had thought we could win?

During the campaign, Biden reintroduced Americans to sudden-onset dementia most starkly since Ronald Reagan's second term. Trump's rambling, exaggeration, and repetition were outdone by total Biden brain-freezes. A corps of paramedics traveled with Biden, always ready to apply an emergency Teleprompter. Both Biden and Harris started making Freudian slips such as referring to the "Harris Administration feat. Joe Biden" though it was too late to redesign the lawn signs.

Harris was unable to distract from these slips. She was the second major Democrat to profess a love for rap music (after John Kerry) but the only rapper she was able to name was Notorious R.B.G. She did finally prove she was an ardent fan of Tupac Shakur, though not at any time that he was alive and rapping.

Eligibility to serve[edit]

Kamala Harris on her offensive tour.

The U.S. Constitution requires that the President be a "natural born citizen" — whereas Harris's parents were overstaying their visas when they dropped her. Such "anchor babies" are a lock for welfare and continual residency for relatives; the Democrats call them "Dreamers" and lavish them with promises — but not the Presidency, not usually.

Fortunately, the Constitution is not supposed to mean what it says. This has already been established in the cases of:

Prospects[edit]

Harris's dark skin could make the difference in 2020, considering Hillary had had no such back-story in her 2016 campaign; her only "race" had been to delete documents and smash phones. Harris has received endorsements (political and financial) from influential Democrats such as Obama, Whoopi Goldberg, and Jesse Jackson. She could be up for a Nobel Peace Prize in 2021, given that Obama's 2009 medal set the precedent that you could win merely for what you might achieve.