- This article is brought to you by the Letter P, followed by the letters B and S. For the article on Peanut Butter Sandwiches, please refer to an orthopedic surgeon. Fast.
PBS (Public Broadcasting Service) is an American non-profit television channel made possible by contributions from viewers like you, thank you. It is carried by various member stations that determine their own schedules of inoffensive-yet-relaxing educational programming.
PBS was originally founded by Bernie Sanders to manufacture Peanut Butter Sandwiches, not to be confused with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. By removing the jelly they cut costs dramatically, but the task of marketing their creation to children became infinitely more difficult. After all other attempts to market the concoction failed, they were forced to turn their attention to television. This platform would allow them to not only to infect millions at once, but also make a direct attack on the children of America. To market their sandwiches, they placed commercials with kids acting like they enjoyed eating Satan's creation.
These strings of commercials also failed, leading PBS to create their own station under the cover of a telethon "public access" learning channel. They changed their name but kept the initials, operating as a Public Broadcasting Service, a worldwide conglomerate with aspirations for world domination.
The PBS network comprises television stations WPBS (located one hundred miles from downtown Los Angeles) and KPBS (situated just outside Tijuana). In the event of nuclear war against North America, it is believed that neither of these sites will be worth the effort for an enemy to blow them up.
Before we continue with the "programming" section, we'd like to invite you to call your PBS station right now and contribute during this week's pledge drive. It's only through your support that great sections like "programming" can be brought into your home.
Just take a moment, right now, and think about the value that this section provides in your life. For your $125 pledge, you get this great Elmo tote bag; it's just great. And for $200, we'll send you this great CD, Lawrence Welk Sings the Blues. That's our thank-you gift to you. So please, pick up the phone right now and make your contribution.
Because if you don't, we'll just be back next week for more. Now let's get back to the "programming" section.
PBS's evening schedule emphasizes areas including: "better than you" fine arts (Great Performances, Live from the Met, Live from Lincoln Center, and Evening at Pops), melodrama (Mystery!, American Playhouse, and Masterpiece Theatre), science (NOVA and Scientific American Frontiers), history (American Experience, Antiques Roadshow), public affairs (Frontline, NOW, LATER, The Newshour with Jim Lehrer, Nightly Business Report), talk shows (That old guy married to Connie Chung), and low-budget indie movies (P.O.V. and Independent Lens).
PBS was able to shape the way America grew and decided to run it straight to the ground. Their PBS Kids block has distributed a number of highly-regarded children's shows, such as: Arthur, Sesame Street, The Electric Company, ZOOM, 3-2-1 Contact, Barney & Friends, Dragon Tales, Reading Rainbow, Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, Cyberchase, and Thomas the Tank Engine. Not every children's show PBS broadcasts has been listed here; note the "highly-regarded" phrase above, which should limit the listing to the shows with the best ratings, albeit not necessarily the best-reviewed shows (for instance, Barney has been widely criticized as rotting the minds of America's children).
Some snarkier viewers have suggested that PBS stands for "Pretty Boring Shows", because after 11 PM, most PBS affiliates will play some godawful local show that was never meant for television. And for christsakes, what has NOVA been showing lately? I've seen all that shit on some other stupid satellite channel like the History Channel or Discovery Channel; NOVA just packs it up into a neat tidy bundle and vomits it out to you. Like... OOooo ALIENS? Like where are they?? OOOoo!!! Who cares. I mean, at least Frontline "tries" to inform me and keep me interested. Jeez... back in '80s, NOVA was a great show, one of the best... but now, who knows. And those boring Mystery shows, don't get me started. Heck, I might as well watch more American Chopper on Discovery Channel.
Sesame Street controversy
Some within the urban drug scene on Sesame Street once came close to revealing the sordid truth, but the protagonists were ruthlessly and mercilessly silenced.
Big Bird, widely suspected of having started the rumours, was swiftly launched into geo-synchronous orbit at 87°W, where he continues to be used as a satellite to helplessly reflect PBS programming to free-to-air dishes nationwide. His co-conspirator, the Snuffleuphagus, was conveniently "disappeared" with official propaganda claiming him to be an "imaginary friend" who "never existed", in the finest 1984 Orwellian tradition.
Mr. Looper is also believed dead, last seen by Jimmy Hoffa in 1982. A smoking "unlooper" was found in a dumpster behind PBS headquarters, but no fingerprints were recovered and the trail went cold.
No one else has dared to speak out.
“Hey, I don't care that I'm interrupting your show, but we need money! Give me your money! Now, I'm gonna waste 15 minutes of your time trying to sell you some low-rent DVD you don't even want.”
Wow — drug-dealing between Muppets. We'll get back to the article in just a few moments. You know, when you tune into PBS articles, you're looking for... something different. Something that you won't find on the networks, or cable television. You're looking for answers to questions they can't answer — or won't. You want to know: "Where are the sources of America's methamphetamine epidemic?" And only PBS articles look for the answers and find the ties between rural American poverty and grotesquely large birds.
PBS articles give you so much. Won't you give a little something to us? You may think a $365 pledge is high, but that's less than a dollar a day in a leap year. Don't you spend that much on your morning coffee? A $1,000 pledge — that's not even $3 a day. I'll bet you put more than that in your gas tank. And $10,000 — why, that's what you spend on your filthy meth habit.
So pledge. And as a thank you, we'll send you this classic line from the Abraham Lincoln article, "Abraham Lincoln was gay he liked making love to Ulysses S. Grant hi." Enjoy it at leisure in your home.
- This was Pee-wee Herman's lesser-known, drug-induced spinoff series.
- No relation to the 2006 national disaster lead by Tim Allen.