Internet (video game)
- This article is about the video game. For the big truck, see Internet.
“I beat the internet. The end guy was hard.”
“Safe for work”
Internet is a MMORPG played on a heavily modified text adventure engine. It is the second game in the Really Big-Ass Networks series. With over 1 billion players, Internet is the most popular MMORPG, easily beating stupid shit like Run-Escape.
Through Internet's text description-based technology, players can create any character they want. Many players use this feature to create characters that would be considered absurd by real life standards. The average Internet character has some impressive stats:
- IQ: 251
- Max bench press: 932 pounds
- Death rate: 4 characters per decade
- Penis: Blue Whale
- Favourite kids' TV programme: Pob suck balls
These stats are actually a lot lower than most players have. This is because some players instead create characters intended to represent a person that player hates, such as a mother-in-law or a politician, and give the character low stats and have the character fail miserably in very public settings. For example, there are an estimated 10,000 George W. Bush characters in Internet, each of which has no stats and no achievements, and most of which do nothing but have cybersex with Dick Cheney characters. In early 2003, this method of defamation became widely accepted as a legitimate tactic in logical debates.
Characters can join one of three factions, the Explorer Horde, the Firefox Alliance or the Opera Empire. Many players are under the true impression that the faction you choose makes a difference. However there are many stupid shitheads who think that the AOL Avengers is the way to go. Fuck them. Those people are the dumbest god damn pieces of fucking idiots imaginable. And don't even THINK of joining the Safari Fellowship, you fucking pansy. Note: The chrome people that are cool are a smaller faction, who can only search stuff on Google or else risk head asplosion.
- Constitution is a measure of just how much Internet the character can stomach. Constitution determines how many hit points you have, and a player loses one hit point each time he encounters something retarded, making an EXTREMELY high Constitution necessary to do anything.
- Strength determines how much power any message, such as a post or e-mail, has on its target. High strength enables players to perform one-post kills.
- Intelligence is defined in the manual as "the ability to convince other players that you don't use AOL". Whenever a player claims that Internet needs to have legendary relics, the game's defenders argue that it already has one because there's only one Intelligence point in the entire game. Intelligence can be lowered by using the internet, and especially lowered by using Apple products.
- Dexterity (short for "pointdexterity") is a measure of nerdiness. Players gain a billion Dexterity points per hour while playing Internet, even if they're not doing anything. Especially if they're not doing anything.
- Charisma doesn't do anything, in any game, ever.
- Wisdom is the same thing as Intelligence except it has a different name. Once a character achieves 10 points of Wisdom, he learns that spending all day playing a game just to get high virtual stats and more virtual GP is a waste of time and starts achieving goals in the real world. For this reason, the ability to gain Wisdom was taken out of the game very shortly after it was released, and accounts with more than one Wisdom point sell for thousands of dollars. Yes, you read that right - people spend thousands of dollars on pretend wisdom.
- Post Count is the most important stat in Forum areas. All of the other stats only matter if the two characters in combat are tied in Post Count, otherwise the player with the higher Post Count automatically wins. People Say your post count is also your penis size. If this is true, some forum mods must live in entire continents by themselves. Or maybe this is where people got the idea for the WTC.
There are several professions for a character to perform in Internet, all of which accomplish absolutely nothing.
- Bauming: Formerly known as the Ebum, the Baumer received an enormous series of buffs in patch 8.6753.09. No longer a mere wannabe-troll, the newly named Baumer has become one of the most powerful summoning classes in the game. The Baumer is able to take movies from other, less powerful characters, post them on their own site, and use the movie's power against the original caster without anyone thinking that this is a load of poopy. In order to use these movies, the Baumer assigns them to her (Who am I kidding? It's always his) Ebums. Ebums are tiny, pathetic trolls, unable to survive on their own, who take the Baumer's movie and will spam it across the internet. Ebums can also steal other's blogs, sites, links, chat logs, or even steal their server if the Ebum is powerful enough.
- Blogging: Blogger characters are very wise bards. They can often be heard telling passers-by such mythical legends as what sandwich she ate for lunch or what dumb mistake his boyfriend made. Bloggers' legends are highly respected by NPCs to balance the complete lack of interest they garner from players. Bloggers have the ability to bore other players in combat, slowly draining their patience until they get so annoyed that their character dies. Bloggers also have the ability to set Traps, or Blogs. Blogs are pages intentionally made to damage others with Boredom. Blogs can be set as traps to Bore any unsuspecting player who walks by one and clicks on the link to it.
- Chatting: Chatters can talk with others about absolutely nothing for a long period of time. While Chatting increases every skill in the game at once, it damages your charecter with Boredom points the entire time you chat. It is good for charecters who have a very high Constitution but lack in other skills.
- Flaming: Flamers (named so because they are really, really, really gay) can damage other players by setting logs on fire and throwing them at enemies. While Botters (sorcerers) can perform this profession easily with scripts that automatically insult the Logs with a collection of different comebacks, other characters must manually flame by collecting and insulting logs. Beginning flamers can only call a log's mother a whore, while expert flamers can call a log's mother Hitler.
- Linking: Linking is a very important skill as it can instantly teleport you or any other player to any place in the game. If it is used on another player they will automatically be Linked there. Linking is useful in battles if you link your opponent to a blog or other extremely retarded page. High-level Linkers can also create Link Farms, which allow teleportation to many places. This is often used to trick NPCs and bots.
- Forwarding: Forwarding is a useful skill only to high level players, but it is also very useful. Forwarders can throw a projectile called Forward Email, which will cause the player hit to send the Forward to the nearest other player. A forward gains momentum as it travels from victim to victim, but does not damage the links in the chain, only the one at the end. The amount of players it hits before dying depends on the player's Forwarding level. The last person who is hit gets 10 points of Annoyance damage for every "link" in the Forward chain. Forwarding can be stopped, however, by a Spam Filter, if the filter is of a higher level than the forward.
- Gamedevving: This is THE most difficult class in the game, but also the most powerful. While at first it seems like the coolest, funnest, and most powerful class in the game, after playing for two weeks, when the player finds he is still level 1 and still has 200000 experience to go through to get to level two, most people declare it butt-fugly and a useless Timesink. However, there are some less difficult (although also less powerful) subclasses, such as Mapping, modding, RM2K, and Goatse. There is a rumor that there are some high-level Gamedevers out there, but this is widely believed to be a bunch of Dingo's Kidneys.
- Hacking: Not to be confused with the hacking out guts attack which is considered to be more of a necessity on Internet than a profession, hacking is, essentially, the ability to do anything, anywhere, at any time. Hackers can change any variable in the game to whatever they want. To keep the skills balanced, it takes slightly more experience to level up hacking.
- Messenger: Often considered to be a secondary profession as many Messengers use other professions to achieve their goals. For example, a high level Messenger may also be a high level Blogger or Flamer but the reverse is never true. Messenging has nothing to do with sending important messages around the world. In fact, the opposite. Sending useless spam next door using various equipment stored their inventory. The idea of a messenger is to convincce as many people as possible that you are not who you say you are. At Level 0 players can use in-game chat to convince people that they are 1337 h4x0rz! At level
- Spamming: Spamming is, essentially, how fast you can attack others. Level 1 spammers can only attack or use spells once every minute, while level 90 spammers can rapidly attack their enemy over and over. Spamming is a very important skill as without it you will get 0wn3d by others who attack faster than you.
- Moderating: Hired by the Forum's lord, Moderators track down wanted post thieves and flame-assassins and Kick them from the forum. Although successfully performing this job to the forum admin's satisfaction pays well (possibly even more than chatting if done above expectations) it is hard to do because there are so many rogues, and each one will say they thought what they were doing was considered "picking up spawning items" or "PKing in a PK zone" which are perfectly legal, and when you Kick a rogue he'll just come back and steal or flame even more, and if you banish someone who isn't a rogue then it inevitably turns out to be the lord's best friend and you're in some real deep shit. Moderating should only be done by professional players because it is so dangerous that you might Kick someone who isn't a rogue, but it pays very well. If you do it enough, you may even become the Admin of a forum, which will let you hire other Moderators. Moderators are extremely good at forum combat because being a Moderator increases your post count by 10 for each Rogue you kick.
- Taking GP from former Nigerian leaders: Many NPCs throughout the realm of Internet are former Nigerian leaders who have come into possession of a long-lost relic worth many GPs. Unfortunately, the relic has been frozen by the current Nigerian leader, who is an ice sorcerer. In order to get the relic out of the ice so that the former leader can sell it, players must cast a teleport spell or use a teleport item to get the relic to the United States.
- Trolling: The only race-specific profession, trolling can only be done by - you guessed it - orcs. Trolling characters go into busy areas and loudly declare that the local sports team sucks and isn't as good as the one in New York. Everyone in the area will immediately stop what they're doing so they can, for seemingly no reason at all, give the troll free food. This continues until someone figures out that giving away free food isn't a method of punishment, and announces that people in the area should not feed the troll. The troll can optionally attack the one who announced it to silence them, but this usually does not work.
- Vandalizing: Vandalism has a wide range of abilities for those who follow it. Vandals are capable of disenchanting magical runes by replacing them with "(Name of spell) is gay." They can travel through walls by writing on the wall "(Name of wall) is gay." which conjures a hole in the wall. In fact, a skilled vandal can destroy any object in the game by declaring it gay. Vandals can also take a Sharpie and write on other player's heads such things as "IM GAY" or "I LICK COCK".
Prominent areas in Internet include:
- Google is home to a magical engine that can determine where any item, NPC, area, quest point, or anything else is. It even has a built-in teleporter that takes the player directly to that place. Nevertheless, many players don't know it exists and ask players and NPCs stupid questions. Too bad you can't tell them to do a Google search for Google, huh? To make up for that, you can tell newbies to Google search for level 96 dragons, then while they're looking at the results, press the "I'm feeling lucky" button on them.
- eBay is a marketplace where players can sell real world items for real world money. Confused players often buy several new cars thinking it would cost them thousands of GPs when it actually bankrupted them, and it's freaking hilarious every time! Some players wonder why there's a real world shop in a fake world, but it's nonetheless been very successful. In response to eBay's success, Starbucks opened up eight stores in World of Warcraft.
- Slashdot is Internet's most reliable source for news on newly released features. Unfortunately, the oracle that releases the news lives miles below the surface in the Slashdot cavern system, and reaching the oracle requires passing a dungeon and doing combat with dozens of orcs. Low level players' corpses, who starved to death from running out of food, litter the cavern.
Internet includes at least two badillion dungeons to explore. Unfortunately, most of these are user-created wastelands which stupid hippies made about their cats which they don't even huff. These places are reserved for n00bs who are amazed at the vast amounts of information on the Internet. Some examples of these dungeons include:
- Webcomics: Sometimes created by "artists" who think they're funny and need money for kitten huffing, othertimes by "funny people" who think they can draw and need money for kitten huffing, but usually by unfunny people who think they can draw and need money for kitties. Webcomics are a type of dungeon that are steadily increasing in popularity. Webcomics include uninteresting, or oftentimes downright obscene monsters who attack the player using punchlines. Flamers are, for once, useful in these dungeons, because although the drawings sometimes make you question the existence of God, the "artists" will oftentimes kill themselves/give up as soon as someone tells them they are teh suck. If this doesn't work, just wait it out and eventually the "artist" will have to move to Toronto or something.
- 4chan's /b/: The most epic of the subdungeons of 4chan, which is alternately populated with epic win, and epic fail. These two forces fluctuate as /b/ are flooded with looongat, penisbird, delicious copypasta, CP, and other sources of random lulz. Posting on 4chan is like grinding in other games, as you can get much epic loot, but you might waste most of your life trying to find that next bit of phat lewt. The home of many trolls, flamers, and the occasional moderator, care should be taken when traversing the dungeon of /b/. Note: a constitution of Over 9000 is required to enter /b/.
- Blogs: Blogs are places created by players with the blogging skill. They are intentionally meant to annoy the viewer and damage him. Some Blogs can be enchanted with a spell that forces players to read them for a short period of time before they leave. Blogs are basically traps, and can be Linked to. A common thing to do in a fight is to link your opponent to a very high-level Blog, where they will be damaged severely. Players one day began trading Blogs for use in combat, and then shortly after an official blog market was created called Xanga. Players can now buy Blogs and use them against opponents, or place them in an enemy server as a trap.
- Uncyclopedia Articles: Very rare dungeon, since no one gives enough of a damn to actually make something this stupid. Basically, it's like a wikipedia entry, except a lot cooler. In fact, if anyone were to say that this article on the internet was "t3h suxx," it may disappear immediately. That definitely won't happen though, because this shit is funny as hell. It will get vandalized though. Then the entire article will be ruined DAILY.
- Wikipedia: The worst place in Internet. You will die. The only known person EVER to make it out of Wikipedia alive is Stephen Hawking, and look how he turned out.
There are an infinite number of quests for players to embark on in Internet. Most of them involve Myspace or Facebook and therefore are a waste of time, but fortunately a list of quests that are worth doing was made. Here is that list:
- Damsel is the most classic quest, in which the player must traverse the evil Castle Hotlesbiansexdotcom and rescue a kidnapped damsel named bigtits08.jpg from the clutches of a sinister Russian photographer. The player then gains the Fap ability.
- Strewing Song requires the player to find a wandering minstrel and memorize his tunes. The player can then play the tune for other players for no cost, and as a result the wandering minstrel goes bankrupt and starves to death.
- The Valid Runes has the player searching the dangerous Inbox Dungeon for a scroll from a business partner, however the dungeon contains thousands of scrolls with pure rubbish. Beating this quest requires a Shield of Spamblocking +1 or greater.
- Unseen Agent tells of the player who sneaks into Sir Galahad's castle and steals all of the scrolls, then takes them back to a rival Heroes' Guild. The player then treks back to the castle and replaces the stolen scrolls with advertisements for that Heroes' Guild. This seems easy enough, except the player is constantly being attacked by the undefeatable lavamancer Adaware while doing it.
- Unfamiliar Claims For The Moment requires a player to refresh every five seconds to see if anything new has happened.
Internet is often criticized for distracting players away from real life. Because of the time it takes to acquire experience, players often spend more time playing Internet than is considered healthy. Organizations that focus on children and families urge parents not to install Internet but rather to have their children go outside to avoid becoming "one of those Internet nerds". Fans of the game defend it with arguments such as "Oh yeah, well I think Internet is great, and I'm a level 58 Goatseer! What are you? Level 0 nothing? Yeah, that's what I thought. Maybe when you find the Lost Amulet of GameFAQs your opinion will have some weight, but until then shut the hell up."
Some political groups claim that Internet should be banned from the Internet. This demand was first made when it was discovered that the Unclad Simulacrum Of The Urchins quest sent players on a mission to find the kiddie porn relic. Al Gore Games officials have stated that they consider the in-game picture depicting the relic as art rather than pornography, because as one developer put it "Pornography is defined as material created with the goal of sexual arousal, and we sure as hell don't get off on pictures of eight year olds getting raped. If you think that's sexually arousing, you're the one that should be arrested, not us." Obviously, the guy who said that is now in jail.
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