|Creator||Lee David Zlotoff|
|Rated||C for Clever|
“I made this article myself, using nothing but a toothbrush, some paperclips, a back issue of Cosmo and duct tape.”
MacGyver is one clever dude who bears striking resemblance to the internationally known actor Andrew Dean Richardson. He is best known for being the inventor of duct tape. However he also goes by the alias of family-friendly Jack Bauer. There is a rumour that they were both one and the same due to their sheer awesomeness. The apparent story is one day MacGyver got pissed off and actually killed someone thus becoming Bauer. However being Jack Bauer only takes up one day of his time every year, so he also has time to lead the Star Gate SG1 team. He is renowned for making bombs out of no more than duct tape and kittens. Before exploring the galaxy he was fighting communism and before that he was member of the police force (see Inspector Gadget). MacGyver is the Marvel version of DC Comics' Batman, the man who can defeat anything as long as he is prepared.
MacGyver is also one of the last descendants of a fabled Scottish clan of fierce fighters and ingenious engineers. The clan fought many famous battles, including the notorious Bloodbath at Bacon Bridge (1315) during which they killed off the entire MacLeod clan (except for one, who mysteriously stood up again after the massacre and has recently been seen in countless B-movies) using a medieval tank built from a couple of barrels, a stuffed duck and a large haggis.
Macgyver's real first name is not Angus, as many seem to believe. As he was named Angus, he got made fun of in school for being meat. Being so pissed off, he decided to fly away on balloon like rockets made out of 6 matches, 4 carrots, 3 onion rings, and a few iPods. Though it is not known how the rocket flew, it just did. He actually does not in fact have a first name, and, being ashamed of this, he secretly names him self Angus, and lets it slip out a couple of times. However, because of the newly acquired knowledge of the stupidity and ugliness of this name, he does not want anyone to know. It's a vicious cycle, much like his washer and dryer.
The MacGyver clan is also suspected of constructing the world's first nuclear warhead (in 1534) from donkey droppings, firewater, and pigeon intestines. It was long believed their nuclear tests sunk the magnificent city of Atlantis and caused the Shetland Islands to break off from Scotland and drift into the sea. While the later is still held to be true, it has recently been discovered that the Atlanteans ran out of free beer on Earth and were therefore forced to relocate to the Pegaus Galaxy. This event, while coinciding with the alleged construction of the world's first nuclear warhead by the MacGyver clan, had absolutely nothing to do with it, though rumours still persist about the MacGyvers drinking all the free beer they could get their hands on.
MacGyver had a son in 1972, who he named MacGruber. Their crazy adventures are chronicled on the popular show MacGruber and MacGyver's Wacky Funtime Saturday Late Night House of... aw, screw it, Saturday Night Live.
The MacGyver clan gains its power through its insistence on the mullet haircut, as evidenced through MacGyver's founding and membership within the mullet supergroup The Mulleteers. Even today, he and his allies, when working together, work to stop the nefarious plans of their archenemies, including Vin Diesel and George Steinbrenner.
Curiously, every member of the MacGyver clan, except one, has been called only MacGyver. Even though this practice was the source of an odd misunderstanding or two, it did have the evolutionary advantage of not causing confusion when being taunted by their enemies with the infamous catch phrase "Who's yer daddy???".
MacGyver is the brother of Scotty off of Star Trek, the famous engineer and the only member of the MacGyver Clan to not to take the name MacGyver. MacGyver is also sisters with award winning porn star Jackie Robinson. Many people think he was the first black president (baseball dudde) but he was not... So shut up critics.
The Mothers of Invention
The MacGyver clan used their vast knowledge to create a primitive medieval robot from horseshoes, torture equipment and pig hair. The robot, which was reported to look remarkably like Mel Gibson, led the Scottish to victory against their English oppressors. Joyous celebrations and tickertape parades ensued.
MacGyver himself is noted for his unerring ability to construct advanced technoogical devices using basic and readily available goods. For example, MacGyver actually built the suit that Darth Vader wears. The suit is made from toilet paper, a glass bottle and shavings from Chuck Norris' beard. In a pinch, the final ingredient could be substituted for wood glue, although the warranty would be void.
“My hatred for guns does not cripple my killing efficiency.”