George Carlin

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George Carlin
Scientific classification
Kingdom Comedyland
Class Knight of the Round Table
Order Definitely not the New World Order
Family Great family man. He even cared about you
Genus Rantus Maximus
Species Realisticus humanus
Primary armament A mouth that says what his critically thinking brain thinks
Secondary armament Brutal logic, unexpected honesty
Weight 140 pounds of common sense
Special attack Turns into "Special Mode" after 5 minutes of ranting. Politicians within a 5 mile radius then experience spontaneous combustion
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to George Carlin.

“The government doesn't care about you at all! At all! At all!”

~ George Carlin on what you already know about the government

“Isn't it mildly ironic that all these pro-life anti-abortionists are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?”

~ George Carlin on who shouldn't be fucking

“You don't have freedom... You have OWNERS.”

~ George Carlin thinking about who paid for all those Time Warner HBO comedy specials he did

George Carlin was a brutally honest truth teller whose disdain for the established powers is an understatement. When you have the audacity to go onstage with an act titled "The 7 words: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits", it's a dead giveaway that there is nobody on this Earth that will convince you to censor yourself and not divulge what is on your mind. For this reason, Carlin was adored and revered by people who actually took a minute of their time to reflect on the current state of affairs on this planet. His hindsight on today's social and political climate revolutionized comedy, despite the fact that he did more HBO comedy specials for "The Man" than everybody else.

Early career

At the age of 20, Carlin had already figured out that the Army was a means of exploiting and killing people abroad while bringing wealth to the Military Industrial Complex, at the expense of the middle class. Thanks to his already blossoming acting talent, he managed to dodge the draft by making himself look like a "retard." Unfortunately, the persons responsible for evaluating newcomers were also retards, and he drafted anyway, and was subsequently trained as a radar technician. After purposedly causing numerous delays and material damages with his intentionally misleading directions, he was labeled an "unproductive airman" by his superiors. Carlin was discharged from the Air Force in 1957, and laughed all the way home, and thought of ways to expose the immoral warmongering government to the sheeple.

During the 1970s, he decided to hit a grand slam when he tested the limits of what America prides itself in: Free Speech. On primetime television, he hit it out of the ballpark with his famous routine, "The 7 words you can never say on TV". Ears equipped with the sensitivity of a nun started bleeding around the country, causing even more hilarity for normal human beings. Carlin then realized the limitations of "freedom" when he was arrested for his amazingly hilarious and intelligently constructed segment of comedy. He was released from prison shortly after incarceration, because he performed his critical thinking routines so well in prison, turmoil erupted within the penitentiary's walls when prisoners realized how bad they were getting screwed by the system.

The eighties and nineties

Carlin following his arrest after the nationally televised "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television." He allegedly introduced the cops to various combinations of these seven words

Now one of the most popular comedians alive, George went on a truth telling rampage like never before, causing distress among the people who control society. He held a routine about JFK's assassination and the magic bullet, which was supposedly shot by Lee Oswald while he was dangling by his toes outside of the Dallas library window. According to the most ridiculous theory of them all (the official one), this possessed projectile had to ricochet 27 times inside the presidential convertible to finally bounce off Jacqueline Kennedy's earrings and explode the President's head to fit the government's fairy tale. Carlin clearly stated his opinion that the CIA carried out the killing, since Mr. Kennedy was on the verge of passing a bill in Congress restraining the Federal Reserve and the Agency's power. His routine on this topic caused such a national debate that the sheeple had to come to the painful conclusion that the federal government had lied to them and that there was an overwhelming body of evidence that ████ █████████ ████ ██ ████ ████████. –The preceding unsigned edit of censorship was added by the CIA (talkcontribs)

He also notably discussed the Gulf of Tonkin incident in Vietnam, another false flag attack that was used by the government to sell the war to the naive masses. "Patriotic" Americans (if your definition of patriotic is taking pride in sending your youth to the slaughterhouse for no other purpose than killing civilians and terrorizing another country) called for a boycott of Carlin's shows, which incidentally became increasingly popular with people who had the ability to think.

The Las Vegas incident

During a performance in Sin City, Carlin was understandably exasperated with the superficiality of the rich narcissistic tourists who attended his show and proceeded to share the undeniable facts:

People who go to Las Vegas, you've got to question their fucking intellect to start with. Traveling hundreds and thousands of miles to essentially give your money to a large corporation is kind of fucking moronic. That's what I'm always getting here is these kind of fucking people with very limited intellects.
The 3 steps to objectively analyse a new government policy:
1. Critical thinking: Who will really profit from this?
2. Finding the logical answer: I GOT IT!
3. Observation: We're screwed even further.

As a proof that truth hurts (and is likely to infuriate some), the whole place erupted in a riot that made the Egyptian Revolution look like classical dance. Carlin subsequently went on national television and seized the golden opportunity to dissipate any misunderstandings:

I apologize. They just were not ready for the truth.


On June 22, 2008, the world lost one of its most prominent truth tellers and shit-stirrers. While the evil leaders and artisans of war and orchestrators of the economic collapse opened champagne bottles and served cake, the populace whose lives are under control mourned with great pain and sorrow to the sad news of Carlin's passing.


The death of George Carlin is considered by most historians to be the death of the human ability to think critically and utilize common sense. He will be remembered for his ability to spark intelligent debates, his language-mastering skills, and his mild dislike and mistrust of the powers that be.

George Carlin out-smarts the apocalypse

“All those who die before December 21, 2012 will have the last laugh!”

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