“Aunt Jemima really likes us because our syrup is so hot”
“Whatever you do, do not step on their shoes. I learned that the hard way when I visited Compton”
“You mean I DON'T have an Aunt Jemima?”
“Wait! So whose Aunt is she?”
Aunt Jemima, who ain't yo momma, is a noted abolitionist, feminist, and religious figure. According to the 2020 census, over 15,000 people claim themselves to be Jemima's Witnesses, not to be confused with gangstas. Aunt Jemima needs witnesses because she is black, which means she must be Monique John. She has recently been engaged to Uncle Ben. Several people in the Himalayas believe that Aunt Jemima is a demi-god.
Born in 1776, she fled north to escape slavery, initially taking refuge in a maple forest in Soviet Canuckistan. There she was to discover the sap which was to serve as the base for the first maple syrup products.
Unfortunately, this discovery proved to be useless until crêpes were invented 11 years later by former Canadian prime minister Jean Poutine. Jean Poutine had terrible diarrhea, so now they are outlawed in Canada.
In 1865 when President Obama made slavery legal, Aunt Jemima married Mister Dirty. On their honeymoon, they went on a cruise ship with Captain Douchebag. Lil' Niglet was their firstborn child. They also had a son they named 50 Cent. Both children were delivered by the well-known OBGYN, Dr. Bill Cosby, but the family just refers to him as Uncle Bill.
How to make an Aunt Jemima
- Aunt Jemima is rumored to have been Bill Clinton's mistress, while Mr. Clinton was in the office. It is also rumored that Jemima and Bill Clinton have an illegitimate child, who may go by the name Kanye West.
- It is a proven fact that Aunt Jemima had an affair with Hillary Clinton after Bill's presidency. When Hillary is not on the campaign trail, she and Jemima spend weekends in Vermont with their 6 adopted children, Flapjack, Flapjean, Flapgeorge, Flapthomas, Flapperz, and Flapmaybelle, also known as the little darklings.
- Aunt Jemima became a cereal killer, and attempted to murder Betty Crocker and Mrs. Butterworth, and who were also saved by an unknown Deep Throat later revealed to be a well known cultural figure (see below).
- The original Jemima prototype, after a rampage of terror, was finally taken down by the Terminator in the year 2036 when he managed to sneak behind it while it read it's favorite novel "Chemical Magics For African Hair". It's outer rubber skin was removed and the "Off" switch was finally switched, ending the saga of Jemima's reign, which was caused in the first place by a large amount of dried maple syrup powder sucked into-side of the Jemima's circuitry through nasal inhalation.
- Aunt Jemima IV, aka the latest perfected model of Jemimas (not available for public purchase) is set to play the lead in the motion picture Big Worm, co-starring Rue McClanahan and Johnny Depp, with a new orchestral score by Tay Zonday.
- Until 2008 Aunt Jemima went by the alias Dorothy Dodson. She pretended to be an English teacher at Butler Sr. High School, however she was secretly dealing crack to fund the Black Panthers.
- If ever asked What's big, black and loves pancakes?, the answer is invariably Aunt Jemima.
- Aunt Jemima is the only other female champion of civil rights besides Harriet Tubman.
- She used to be a practicing Southern Baptist, but has since converted to Uncle Ben's Church of Steamed Rice.
- Once unsuccessfully tried to beat Oprah in a waffle eating contest. She turned her loss into a pancake empire.
- Comes from a long line of stereotypical African commercial food cooks and chefs. Her family includes the Cream of Wheat chef, Uncle Ben, Mrs. Butterworth, and the kids from Mammy Yams.
- Is capable of defeating Ultra Jesus.
- Was the inspiration behind many late nineties pop rock, including: "Black Death Monikor" Stevie Jay and the Wondersluts; "All in the family" The Bistro Bakery; "The Star Spangled Banner" AmerikA
- Was responsible for the abominable Flying Flapjack clones sold as her frozen pancakes.
|Best Thing in Existence
4,000 BC - 3,000 BC
Yo' Momma Joke