Attack of the Japanese Monsters
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Attack of the Japanese Monsters was Mad Maguchi's first ever game made entirely by himself, created in 1998. With a purple Japanese hippo, dragons that breathe 'ironic water' and creatures that self-implode when you tickle them, this game practically sells itself. But, it didn't.
It's the year 2072; strange and bizarre creatures roam everywhere but Japan. Humanity's only hope of survival rests in the hands of a lonely gamer (you) and a small water biscuit named Walter Herlemann. The strange creatures are now invading Japan. Now that you've bought the game, humanity can finally start their h4xing with your help! You help by entering Japan to kill every human - (yes, the plot has an almighty twist!) This way, no humans can possibly be hurt by horrible monsters after untimely and rather inconvenient deaths.
Several items can be found during the game and can be used to kill the humans or crash the game, those include:
- A chocolate easter bunny - Can be used to increase mana by sacrificing health.
- Chainsaw - Used for cutting down trees to knock out power lines and the resulting power outage causes the immensely fat people at the hospital to die from their life support shutting down. Oh, and you can also cut people up, kinda.
- Dandelions - Makes your hands taste like earwax.
- Windows vista - Crashes the game, but makes windows and the start button pretty-ful.
- Earwax - Makes your hands smell like Dandelions.
- Harry potter - Casts a patronus charm although there are no dementors in the game.
- Chuck Norris - Roundhouse kicks everything in the face simultaneously and crashes the game to the point that the computer or console won't start up again.
- Inventory Icon: Chuck Noriss is too 1337 to be an Inventory Icon.
- Compass - Can be used to trick the humans into thinking it's a compass that directs them north, until you reveal that it's a mathematical compass by stabbing them in the throat/face.
- The metric system - Confuses American humans with its "base-10 action" as explained in the inventory.
- Polar Fleece Blanket - Distracts people with it's softness.
- Yogurt - Makes fat people easier to kill.
- Chunk of Plastic - Falls off of horribly made china products and gets lodged in the mouths of children in a 50 mile radius. 64x bonus if used in a children's playground/industrial park.
- Big rigs over the road racing - Gives the player a badly modeled truck that races on 4 tracks then crashes the game on the 5th track. Invincible to the effects of bridges and buildings.
- Inventory Icon: Big rigs is to crappy-ful to have a Inventory Icon.
Usually, RTFM, but seeing as the game doesn't come with a manual, RTFM doesn't work. When you start out, a huge fat man is attacking you with a chainsaw. You instantly die if you don't press the down button to go backwards to get the fat repellent. Whereas the fat man melts into a disgusting mush. Stealing the chainsaw is the good way to go, then everyone dies and the game is over.
If you chose to take the sponge bath, you basically lose.
The gameplay is considered the best aspect of the game according to gamespy.
Only one bug exists for Attack of the Japanese Monsters because of Mad Maguchi's "non-stop perfectionist work ethic." The glitch is known as the better graphics glitch!
To get the glitch, you must throw out your CD, go to a store and buy crysis and put it in the game's case. Then, boot the game up. Look! Better graphics! You can also do this with Big rigs over the road racing, but you need a much better game then crysis to balance the crappyness out.
There are three known endings to Attack of the Japanese Monsters:
1) The good ending - You kill every human during the allowed 15 minutes. A cinematic is displayed showing the monsters coming into the world and looking all confused cause there are no humans. Then a gunshot is heard and the frame fades on you with a gunshot in your head. Can you guess what happened smart one?
1.5) The retarded ending - You use the Chuck Norris or Windows Vista item and your possessor overloads and your computer sets your house on fire. Now you got something tangible out of playing that horrid game.
2) The bad ending - You don't kill any humans at all and the monsters come and kill everyone in a terrible bloodshed of doom. After this, a message box pops up reading "Look what you did, idiot, you made the world cry. Your obviously worse then Hitler. Go die you worthless hunk of loser-ness." After clicking OK, the number for the suicide hot line flashes on the screen.
3) The kinda Bad, kinda Good ending - If you kill around half of the humans and time runs out, the monsters come, kill some of the humans and then fight over the rest, who promptly die along with half of the monsters. Several million years later, the sudden loss in monster population catches up and the monster race goes extinct. That's kinda good...
After it's release, Attack of the Japanese Monsters was never bought by anyone. Even though Maguchi pre-ordered his copy, EB Games were apparently "out of stock in advance."
In an interview conducted in 1910, Maguchi was asked what he thought of his game's sales statistics. He had this to say on the subject:
“EB Games FTW!”
*It should probably be noted at this point that Maguchi's brain was removed in early 1999 and replaced with an electronic one that was generously donated by none other than EB Games.
The lost games
only three copies of Attack of the Japanese Monsters where ever created. But none where sold because the "game isn't worth any money" according to video game guru, gentle Ben (don't ask.)
The first game
The first game was created in south Korea along with 134 other games when a "stray" missile "crash" landed onto the factory. Each and every game was destroyed, except for one that was rescued by a random south Korean who probably killed you at warcraft last night. He took it home and played it. No one knows what happened after this, but where pretty sure it ended up in a dumpster outside an Internet café.
The attempt at the second game
This one, after seeing what happened to the first game, was made by hand by Mad Maguchi himself. Unfortunately, you can't make CD's by hand so the CD broke up into small chunks inside Mad Maguchi's computer, making him cry.
The actual second game
Created in a bunker to shield from missiles and what not. When the game was made, (which took around eight hours,) a lucky Japanese boy was the proud, official, owner of the second worse game. Running out side the bunker with glee, the little boy never felt so happy. But the happiness was short lived when Chernobyl, which the bunker was built near, went all radiation-ish. And that was the end of the little Japanese boy.
Later, while cleanup crews where around, Princess Diana found the game when she went out to look at the dead people. She took it home to play but found out that her computer wasn't bad enough (see system requirements.) She then gave it to a "stinky commoner" who then shared it among the press.
The missing third game(s)
It is rumored, but not exactly true, that a third game, or batch of games, where produced. Not much evidence supports this but the myth includes a zany plot with Russian spies, abnormally fat CIA agents and a wooden mallet.
This will be the center of the next national treasure movie. But we know no one will watch it.
The system requirements for Attack of the Japanese Monsters is so high end, the fastest computer in the world would lag immensely. In fact, the slowest computer in the world would run it perfectly fine due to reverse forward upper middle anti-newage compatibility engine that the game runs on. This means the minimum system requirement's are the recommended system requirements and vice versa.
Minimum (recommended) system requirements:
- 0.1 bits of RAM.
- 0.001 Kz of CPU (It would actually be better if you used a vacuum tube instead.)
- A stick of butter in place of a video card.
- InDirect X compatible sound card.
- A bit of hard drive space.
- Input: A dead mouse/rat and a board (no keys.)
Recommended (Minimum) system requirements:
- 80386 class CPU.
- 4 MB RAM.
- A stick of margarine or "I can't believe that's not butter!"
- A sound card of any type, or just a card (birthday cards are incompatible, though.)
- 5 bytes of hard drive space (But you wouldn't be wasting that on a game, I don't think.)
- Windows 2.4/ME
- Input: A sick mouse/rat and a 33cm x 154cm board (some keys. House or car keys will do.)
Winning almost every award in almost every category, (including best children's game,) Attack of the Japanese Monsters is known as the best ranked game of all time. Gamespot gave it a 0.1 out of 10 because it was so good, it went "higher then ten so it must go back to one and go through the ranking again, because that's how good it is." So big rigs over the road racing wasn't bad at all!
It won best at E3 (by Gamespot, Gamespy, IGN and GameTrailers.com) for 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 and 20X5, although Attack of the Japanese Monsters was never showcased in E3. It is rumored that EB games bribed every single judge and competition to get Attack of the Japanese Monsters to win. There is some proof of this because in 2008, game trailers.com's editor was found branded outside his home with the EB games logo. And that's probably true, not false.
Many people say that Attack of the Japanese Monsters is overrated, and those people don't deserve to live. And it's those kinds of people who go to parades. So, using that reasoning, every parade now has a laser float at the end to incinerate everyone. But then again, some people who say that don't go to parades, but sit at home playing Call of Duty: Black Ops. So that's why Call of Duty: Black Ops's secret ending is an explosion that kills everyone in a 40 mile radius. So people who have just went to a parade, got half burnt and went home, played Call of Duty: Black Ops and exploded have learned their lesson. but those who haven't have their face ripped of by sickle wielding Russian spies hired by EB games.
And that's why no one criticizes Attack of the Japanese Monsters.
- Attack of the Japanese Monsters 2: Return of Walter
- EB Gamez Attak!
- Artist Revolution
- Artist Revolution 2
- Artist Revolution: Now We're REALLY Pissed
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