UnNews:Ukraine destroys large Russian warship, again

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26 December 2023

The warship Badenov, shown in both its normal configuration (bottom) and its burning-to-the-ground configuration (top).

FEODOSIA, Crimea -- Ukraine utterly destroyed the Russian warship Boris Badenov in the early hours of Boxing Day.

The Badenov is the same warship that Ukraine utterly destroyed in March 2022. Ukraine military spokesman Mykola Oleshchuk said utterly destroying the same warship a second time is a vital economy of scale as Ukraine waits for the U.S. Congress to argue how long to wait before sending more money, and what unrelated sops will have to be conceded to House Republicans so they can tell their backers they "got something" for this round of loot. Oleshchuk expressed hope that hitting the same ship a third time would produce even greater quantity-discounts.

The attack was achieved when Ukrainian fighter jets launched a barrage of foreign-built missiles, each one armed with a witty acronym and some having inspiring nicknames and cuddly mascots, in hopes that one would penetrate Russian air defenses. Those defenses are no longer all they used to be, as Ukraine hit many nearby microwave towers last month, and Russian replacement commanders, busy contemplating their sudden growth of pubic hair, did not imagine that the Naval Base was the ultimate target.

At least one missile got through, and the subsequent loud explosion suggests that the Badenov was carrying explosives, which Russian spokesmen said functioned perfectly, putting out windows here. The Badenov limped out of port and sought a new place to sit where it would no longer be a sitting duck. Ultimately, it decided on the sea floor (or vice versa).

The downside of this is that it will not be a factor in the land war to control the Doughnutsk region. The downside to this downside is that the two nations' infantries will not be a factor either, as the region is now knee-deep into the muddy season. The Russian troops were being resupplied from Crimea and it is a "damned shame" that the peninsula no longer has a working port there not in missile range. However, lack of resupply will not be critical, as the pimply young Russian conscripts are quickly learning new things to eat and how to season entrées with mouse feces.

The attack on Boxing Day (the day after Christmas) may be significant, as Ukrainian Prime Minister Volodymyr Zelenskyy recently moved Christmas to December 25, taking time out from moving opposition politicians and broadcasters to temporary detention. Explaining the move, Zelenskyy said "We are now going to do everything the way Poland and Germany do it, as we resist doing anything the way Russia does it." Boxing is a minor sport in Ukraine, but military analysts are awaiting further strikes on the following days, designated Freestyle Kick-Wrestling Day and Mixed Martial Arts Day.

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