Lego National Socialist Republic of Denmark
|Motto: We Don't Own Norway Anymore?|
|Anthem: Who Wants Another Beer?|
|Official language(s)||Danish and Sjællandsk|
|‑ Bartender/Head of Bartending||Kong Rugbrød XI or Den Døde Dansker|
|Weapon of choice||900 B.C Viking Axe.|
“Something is rotten in the state of Denmark”
Denmark is a mixture of mud, mountains of Lego bricks, beer and bacon which is populated by brave but insane Vikings. It is ruled by King Erik Thorgard XIV, who still collects the heads of his political enemies and uses them as flowerpots.
At the beginning of Insomnian times. The delicious smell of bacon attracted reindeer from Finland, who inbreed with Vikings creating a race of superhuman cold-blooded Vikings - called Valhallans. After conquering what they thought was the world at least twice most Vikings became bored and thus moved to Iceland to chill out.
Today Denmark is a member of the Fourth Reich, NATO and various other international open source associations. This has led to the previous Crime Minister Anders Fjogh Rasmussen (amongst "friends" and their allies called Fudge Factor.) to suffer from delusions of grandeur, and he has continued the Viking style of waging war against the entire world with his beer buddy George Who-ever Busk. The Fjogh is now an editor of the monthly NATO magazine published in Uganda and Falkland Islands.
Free medical care: Until the turn of the century, this meant that everyone was free to die on the waiting list, while hospital management argued with the Nurse's Union and politicians on how much more money they would need to actually treat anyone. Following the 2001 election, obscene amounts of money was instead given to the "private health care sector", meaning the same doctors operating in the same premises after 4pm. Clearly an improvement.
Free education: Centered on the teachings of former Minister of Education, Ms Ritt Bjerregaard, whose tenet was "what cannot be learned by everyone, shall be taught to no-one" (And that is not even a joke). Scientists speculate that this is the reason not only for poor rankings in international PISA comparisons of math and science, but also for the exceptionally low standard of the Uncyclopedia entry on Denmark.
Most linguists have come to believe that the Scandinavian languages, including Danish, sounding approximately as a seal with pneumonia holding a potato in its mouth, are most closely related to the languages of Sea-animals including Seals and Penquins. Many argue that Danish is more closely related to Sealese, though some dispute this and think a relation to Penguinese to be more likely. However, the Sealists have gained an upper hand recently, with the argument that there have been long standing contact between native Scandinavians and Seals.
The Penguinists argue that the vocabulary and phonemes of Danish much resemble Penguinese, and that the Penguins obviously have a much superior culture and language, much more likely to be copied from. However likely, many argue against it because the contact between these two groups have arguably been non-existent in the relevant time period, the Penguins residing only in the southern hemisphere in present times.
Phrenologists who study the Danish language have come to the conclusion that it is not so much a language as a throat disease, probably caused by a mutated form of the same virus that causes Swedish, which itself is a mutated form of the Trollish/Dwarven virus. The cause of the Danish mutation is thought to be due to a rampant allele which became manifest due to excessive contact with fatty cheese and old beer.
The latest research puts forward the theory that the Danish language was created by drunk Norwegians Vikings, that having been drunk, got lost and ended up in Denmark. This theory has also argued that Danish is in fact a long-running situationist joke and not really a language at all, more a sort of attenuated collection of grunts and base howls. However, as the Danes are fond of saying, "at least y comes from the fact that Danes can understand drunk Norwegians, but not sober ones (nor drunk Swedish people, only sober ones). Controversially, linguist [[David it is not Finnish".
It should be noted the Swedish theory on Danish language, that is sounds like throwing up, is not even admitted by the Danes. The Swedes think this is an obvious case of alcoholics denial of truth. Though the Danes believe the Swedes are just not drunk enough to see the epicness of the Danish language.
The Danish mentality is famous the world over. Success is frowned upon; as is being different or just standing out from the herd, but they excel at racism, drinking, and producing bacon.
Some Danes enjoy harassing other ethnic groups, especially Muslims, but any minority will do, and even Eastern Europeans have been known to be subjected to quite serious accusations of criminality in Denmark, even though the evidence suggests that Swedes in fact are the most ardent criminals.
In general, Danes don't have a lot of trouble on their minds. As long as there is beer, bitches and Horn(y)music, there is no problem. When one of these things run out, they always blame a minority. There's a few minorities often blamed by Danes. Here is a few examples:
Eastern Europeans: Often accused of stealing the beer and then drive home in a bus. A certain country is blamed for all the black labour. The poles. Therefore poles are always hated by masons and carpenters, whether they are drunk or not!
Muslims: Because of Holger K. Nielsens (National-)Socialistic policies Muslims are being blamed for everything. Stealin' our beer, kidnapping our women to Afghan-land, breeding like rabbits and spreading the reach of the Patriachy.
Greenlanders: People from Greenland, though part of the Danish Kingdom, are often frowned upon by the rest of the Danes (the danes who are even aware they exist, that is). Being called 'Ice nigga' and 'drunken bastards' they have earned themselves as the danes favourite enemy.
The hardiness of the Danish people is by no doubt due to the large amount of vicious wild animals constantly being preyed on by such vicious people intent on invading England. This
wasteland country is also a home of the common human subspecies, Humanus Intoxicus Incrediblus, the Very Drunk Man and its female counterpart Puella basianda, the Smooching Girl.
Another very commonly seen animal in Denmark is the Polar watch bear (called Wizzies). But be aware: tourists are prohibited from feeding these animals, as they often get in the way of them, thus causing bad foraging and a lousy temper because of vomiting.
The Devil sheep used to live in the Frodo mountains of Denmark. Until it was wiped out by the Beowulf in the star-year of log 215.352c after the Two Muslims war, on a command of the Big Kingfisher of Denmark, Uffe Elle-Bälle-mand, who used to be a former wanna-be editor of the NATO warlord magazine.
Denmark is also full of pink elephants and female rhinos (called Nørrebro Stonehenges), however it's normally drunken Swedish or Norwegian tourists that come in contact with these animals.
Denmark in Literature
Denmark is featured most prominently in two major works of English literature, although not so prominently in any works of Danish literature (more on this later*). The first of these is Beowulf, an epic poem written several hundred years after the fact by some guy in England with way too much time on his hands.
The second piece of literature is Hamlet, his tale was soon discovered by Shakespeare, who liked the overall emo-traits. Hamlet thinks he sees his dad's ghost telling him about his uncle being a murderer. Although your English teachers will undoubtedly try to tell you that all of Hamlet's problems arose because he listened to the ghost and slowly drove himself mad, do not be fooled. Hamlet simply had a terrible case of depression from the awful weather and it drove his mind to create its own reality. Since Hamlet the Danes have become better at dealing with their weather related depression, resorting back to Beowulf-esque amounts of alcohol and brainwashing each other into believing that they live in the happiest country on earth.
'Out of Africa' by Karen Blixen (published under the name Isak Dineson for fear of persecution by the Jantelov and the work of Danish philosopher Søren Kirkegaard. 'Out of Africa' provides a lovely example of the lengths some people will go to to get away from the Danish weather.
Danish people are all members of the big religion Legoism, where the most fanatic believers only do things by the holy Lego book. If you shave a Dane completely you will notice that his skull has the form of a Lego-mans head and he can therefore "click" objects on to his head and carry them around effortlessly. The supreme leader of the Legoists is His Popeness, Popeye "Klods Hans"(In English: "Lego Las"). You can always recognize a real Lego Believer on the Lego hair. When someone or something marry in Denmark, the customary ceremonials includes gifts of imprecious wooden Legobricks and shark-ivory Lego Sombreros to the Groom. There are a few Playmobil Believers in Denmark too though. As the Playmobil belief is very, very forbidden, they are severely hunted by the axe-killing murderers of the Lego Viking police and thus hide underground in the Magasin du Nord sours. Whenever a Playmobil believer is taken alive by the the Legoists, he, she or it will be put into Cultural Lego Integration camp (called GuLegos). The plan was originally then to release the Former playmobil believers out into society after a few months, but many playmobil believers are still being tortured until they believe in Legoism.
Some Danes believe in Santa Klaus Rifbjerg. He is said to come hurling down from Greenland in an old school bus from the 1950's at Legoday plotting to put his writings down the chimneys of all the children who have been naughty this year. However, most of today's Danish children don't have chimneys. Oddly though these incredible naughty children always get the latest copy of Santa Klaus Rifbjerg's work and are then forced to read it in school as some sort of severe punishment. The older people of Denmark still believe in Santa Klaus Rifbjerg and each year they write tedious reviews to the newspapers about the importance of his latest book. It has indeed been argued that it's not just superstition but a real Santa Klaus Rifbjerg cult, which ought to be looked at in the same way as anthropologists misunderstand people from New Guinea or baby-seals from Greenland.
Ancient Danish culture centers around the great Kronborg castle in Elsinore. The castle was original build by Og the Magnificient in 1214 over the objections of Queen Oggette. Construction was finished in record time and the queen was eventually drowned in the moat since, as one Danish ka-niggit put it, "the lady doth protest too much!" (in Danish: Øv, hvor lagde jeg dog mine vafler!"). Her ghost is said to be living under the castle and having an affair with Beowulf.
Eventually, the castle was turned into a theater by Og's son, Bard the Borg, who was quoted as saying "the play's the thing". Unfortunately, for Danish theatergoers everywhere, Bard gave away the ending by telling the public that Hamlet (and everyone else) dies in the last act. The entire story was later plagiarized by William Shakespeare and used by George Lucas as a model for future Star Wars prequels.
In the system of nursing homes Denmark people are forced to work, because only diligent workers may reserve places in nursing homes. The main goal of an ordinary Dane is to spend his or her last days in a plejehjem, being cared for by young people, who will take their place in future. Some people even save money so they can retire faster and move to a nursing home.
The second largest pillar of the Danish economy is the export of sketches, paintings and drawings of religious leaders and prophets. This was started in the recent millennia by Jyllands Posten, a small art studio and cookie bakery. Though this production have lead to many Eco Terrorists attacks against the original drawer, Kurt Vestergaard.
The third largest pillar of the Danish economy is young people from Sweden who go there to buy alcohol, since you have to be 18 to consume alcohol in Sweden. That's why their economy went through the roof when the öresundsbridge was finished.
Superseding the previous two is the cruel killing of hapless hogs, exported through the conspiracy of the EU that the Danish Prime Minister helped bring about by exploiting the hysteria of the nation during the national oil shortage in 1976. Since then, mass quantities of pigs are butchered every day to feed the nation's unending lust for wholesale slaughter, revenue and craving for bacon. Due to this practice, vegetarians are denied citizenship on general principle.
Denmark is a dangerous country to visit. There is a high-risk of getting shot in the country side, because decades ago martial law was declared outside the city boundaries. If you want to go into the cities you should also always bring a shotgun to kill the polar bears and looting Vikings.
Similarly to how a European goes to the US, as stated by John Lennon, an American only needs to go to Greenland and then turn right.