The continent you and that blonde bimbo thought was a country, admit it yank. I know it, you know it, your mom knows it.
also known as France
|Motto: "We are better than you."|
|Anthem: Whatever song wins Eurovision this year|
|Official language(s)||Turkish, European, Italian, French, Elfdalian, Arabic|
|Government||Imperial Dictatorial-Democratic Piracy|
|Emperor-Dictator-Democratic Leader||Klaus, the fish|
|‑ Pirate King||Johnny Depp|
|National hero(es)||Mario, Zorro, Niko Bellic, Charles de Gaulle|
|Religion||No religion at all. Well, O.K., sometimes Christian when nobody's looking. Pastafarian when you're looking.|
Europe or Old America is a subsidiary of France (although this fact has been heavily contested by Germany in court). It speculated that it takes place somewhere below Africa, although since this claim was made in the mid-1800s by the American secret agent/actor, Pierce Brosnan, it has been the subject of much debate. Leading mapologist and winner of the prestigious Recognising when Things are Upside Down Award (1968), Henry Westford, claims that Brosnan was probably holding his map upside down when he made this claim. The subject has been the cause of much debate. Despite the uncertainty surrounding Europe, it is generally agreed upon that is, indeed, a real country. More confusion arises from this certainty, though, as Europe seems to house many other countries. Several theories have been produced regarding this, the leading one being that Europe is some sort of super country and that countries such as Germany, Switzerland and Norway are simply situated on top of Europe, and not actually inside it.
Europa, it is speculated, was the name of the American warrior who discovered Europe during the Classic Period. It is unknown how "Europa" became "Europe", but a theory explains that it might have been during the Dark Ages, when the lack of any substantial light source made it difficult for people to write. Also, it is easy to confuse Greek letters, with their dangerously pointy bits and fancy lines. "It's all Greek to me!" said Caesar, and rightly so, for it was literally all written in Greek.
History of Europe
Two species of humans existed: the Neanderthal and the Cro-Magnon. The former from Germania, the latter from Gaul. These brave chaps fought each other to survive, and might have originated the friendly Franco-German rivalry of today. Some critics of this theory point out that it isn't very believable, since the Cro-Magnon was victorious in the end, not having asked for any help. It is said that Europe began when a Cro-Magnon gentleman clubbed the last Neanderthal woman in existence at Gibraltar and pronounced her his wife. (At this point, someone discovered alcohol and everyone got drunk.)
Even in her early childhood, Europe showed signs of what would become the greatest, most powerful and extremely modest cultural centre in the universe. Stonehenge was built in Ireland by Dara O' McFinnigan for a pint of Guinness. When asked where his supernatural strenght came from, he could not give an answer, as he fell into a coma. The possible response is one of History's greatest mysteries. Stonehenge was then moved by Merlin as a birthday present for king Arthur's son, as you can read below in The Middle Ages section.
Antiquity was inhabited by classy people who knew how to speak Greek and Latin. The Greeks started it all with democracy, philosophy and history. But, best of all, they invented the toilet, an invention that made life much easier than Plato's rationalism could ever have. Eratosthenes might have known that the world was round, but everyone knows that a true civilization does not go on the bushes.
The next great civilization was the Roman Republic, later renamed Roman Empire, for obvious reasons (the Republicans were losing popularity) (Also, there was a bunch of forgettable civil wars, something to do with Cleopatra's wife). The Romans conquered all of Italy, Iberia, Gaul...Well, not all, there was still an undefeatble little vilage where you could get a fix. The Romans left many Laws as their legacy, many of which still apply today; e.g. arrest those who steal, have fair trials, and the minimum [[bribe] is 30 euros (fluctuates with inflation). Their minds also created literature classics, such as The Golden Ass, adapted as the eponymous shadow-play by controversial director Roman Polanski.
Roads were also an extremely important invention. Thanks to roads, peasants and nobles alike could now have parking sex, and be treated equally for the first time in History. And Christianity was legalized. Hoorah!
The Dark Ages
Not much happens. British abbies are pilled by Vikings, who got their coordinations from Franks. (The Vikings were everywhere in those days. A few of them discovered vodka and founded Russia, while a few others failed at founding Canada.) E's and A's get mixed up. The earth was proven flat by burning people. A valuable lesson, allthough some people today believe it to be round, because they listen to lies.
The Middle Ages
The Middle Ages were an age of romance and chivalry. One of the greatest examples of this is the historically-verifiable King Arthur. He was raised by fairies and became king when a woman who lived in a lake gave him a sword, thus becoming the role model of every English boy raised in London. Arthur had a son, and once, having been preoccupied with rescuing the Holy Grail from the clutches of taunting Frenchmen, forgot to buy his son some legos. Merlin then brought Stonehenge to replace the legos.
In Spain, the Muslims finally gave up on their anti-bullfighting protests and left in 1492. The Spaniards celebrated with a huge party in Pamplona. However, the party was cut short, as the Inquisition suspected some bulls of being heretics, having never attended church.
Later on, the Church was divided into the Eastern Orthodox Church and the Roman Catholic Church. The reason for this was the interpretaion of Caesar's comment "It's all Greek to me!". The Western church claimed it was about not being able to read Greek and also a message of tolerance for the oppinions of others. The Eastern church said it was about being surrounded by a different culture and a message of union in the diversity of judgements. Agreeing to disagree, they parted ways. Current relations are good, with both churches sending cards to each other.
The plague arrived at this point. Upon entering the continent, it changed its name to something more nifty, like Black Death. It killed thousands, and, as usual, the Mexicans were to blame. They should have been monitoring the borders (yeah right), but were instead making wise investments somewhere in Switzerland.
The Renaissance saw great talents as Leonardo da Vinci (painter, biologist, architect, and star of a book) and Michelangelo (paintor, sculptor, architect and namesake for a ninja turtle) mold Western society. It is hard not to recognize their genius when seeing such masterpieces as the Mona Lisa. Some works aren't finished, for e.g. Michelangelo's David's trousers weren't sculpted.
This age also saw the Protestant church rising up against the sky-high prices asked by the Pope to save your soul. Martin Luther sold you salvation for half the price and you could choose a free gift: either a Protestant Bible or a puppie.
18th and 19th centuries
Reason and Thought dominated this period. As a consequence, France weighed every possibility before starting a war with their neighbours. Discontent with this anti-militarism, the people stage a revolution. Some peasants forget their cullotes. Embarrassed with this terrible fashion faux pas, they claim it is to separate them from the nobles.
Napoleons come to power by accident. He was supposed to go on a fishing trip, but ended up in Paris after buying an Italian map. After inadvertently setting up the First French Empire, he is defeated in Waterloo, ending up in San Dimas with two boys, Bill and Ted, thanks to another faulty map.
20th century to present
Two World Wars and an economic Depression. That pretty much sums it up.
The First World War was caused by the traditional shooting in Serbia. However, in 1914, the victim was Duke Franz Ferdinand, famous for having started a Scottish band. Music lovers everywhere were outraged, especially the Austro-Hungarian Empire, the band's biggest fan to date. Russia and Germany, not wanting to be left out of a joly good old fight, joined in as well. France, eager to prove her military strenght, also joined. This obviously meant that the British would have to join in later on.
It all ended in five years. The Entente 1, Central Powers 0. Being the peace-loving nations that they are, European countries decided to take the advice of a President, and started the League of Nations, or L.o.N. Unfortunately, they forgot that the President in question had been a college president, and was therefore a bit on the deluded side. Everyone could join. Except Germany. And Russia. When these two countries demanded to know why, they were sent a letter saying "The invitations must have gotten lost in the mail. Sorry, but we can't afford to send two invitations. Cheerio." The politeness of the letter hints at a French author.
The Treaty of Versailles, or T.o.V., was also signed. It dictated what would happen to Germany. Every leader was there. Except the German one. He was on a vacation in Holland, and the considerate monsieur Georges Clémenceau convinced the others that he wouldn't like to be disturbed. Germany complained of money problems, but when a certain Stresemann took over, he solved it in three months. And that is efficiency.
Next there was the Second World War. People blame it on Hitler. Hitler rose to power because of German discontentment with the Depression. The Depression was caused by America (namely, the drunken Wall Street). So, the real thing at fault here is the Art University that turned down Hitler, the School of Art That Looks Like Nothing. His appearance might have been a problem. After all, who ever heard of a person with a little moustache and a funny walk who looked like a tramp becoming famous? Preposterous!
Germany put soldiers in its border with France. This was obviously meant to provoque the French, why else would Germany try to defend its borders? But Britain wouldn't fight again, so the French stayed still. Hitler then became friends with Austria again, visited Czechoslovakia, and traveled to Poland. Britain declared war, since Hitler was taking away Polish labour. France followed Britain. They built the Maginot Line, thinking of every move Hitler might do and concluding that there wasn't any way he could turn the tables around. Hitler answered by going around the Line. Surely you have heard of Captain Sparrow conquering a port witout firing a single shot. Well, the Germans conquered Paris without firing a single shot. How? They went through the back door.
But not all of France surrendered. There was a little village, with a café owner, René, who helped the resistance by hiding portraits in sausages and British airmen in barrils. A true war hero. This War also saw the Wolrd's Funniest Joke being used, as documented by John Cleese, with devastating results. Once again, the war lasted for five years. Once again the USA joined in when the fighting was almost over. Once again Germany lost. Allies 1, Axis 0, Unhuffable Kitten 56,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
After the war, Europe decided that fighting wasn't the proper way for a peace-loving continent to solve problems. So they formed what would become the EU, presided over by the European Pretend Parliament. Many countries joined over the years. Portugal and Spain joined in 1986, the exact same year the EU started giving out money. Lucky chaps, hey? Everyone can join. Except Turkey. Why? Well, it's a very, very complex issue that has nothing to do with their main religion. At all.
Geography of Europe
Europe is comprised of fifty states and one federal district, unless you're French, in which case Europe is comprised of two countries: yours and theirs. Incidentally, France is third in the jacuzzi of nations with good geographical knowledge.
The West mainly consists of France, Germany and "Great" Britain. These three are the best of friends nowadays. Britain is particularly fond of France, while France can't get enough of Germany. If you ask any Englishman, he'll say "bloody French". "Bloody" is Cockney rhyming slang for "lovely". There are also some small countries which consist of French, German, and Britsh people who pretend not to be.
Confusingly called Northwest Europe
This region is inconsequential but contains the superhero's halls of justice. They do drugs and feebly attempt to subjugate the world with their prostitute whores. The real Northwest Europe is Atlantis.
The people here were historically very pale, but after Italy became fashion-obsessed, everyone started using fake tan, until eventually, they used so much that their children were born naturally secreting it from their skin.
The central tourist attraction is the land of privlege, once referred to as Valhala, this astral plane has been partially merged with reality, today it consists of various castlae, villum, and manora, the land of the monarchs (even in the colonies), Switzerland, neighborhoods in Paris and London, the Vatican, ze Autoroute de Soleil and strangely Ireland.
Russia dominates this one. But that's okay, because we're all friends now. A quasi-EU related authority, whose name is composed of an impossibly long acronym, has determined that East Europe no longer begins somewhere between Berlin and Weener. This is the same authority that blackmailed the church into lying that the world is round, thereby allowing Galileo, a typical East European pervert, into heaven. Since they did not determine a new boundary, there is officially no East Europe, allowing eurodominion to spread unbounded. Scientology, KGB and Satan have protested this situation, often subversively through the cunning espionage work of Tom Cruise.
People here are all Albinos, and have to avoid the sun at all costs, or they may spontaniously combust. On the plus side, they are often overly tall, and thus the resulting bonfires might be big ones.
This vast region is rarely spoken of. It includes both areas pending admission to Europe from the Greater Europe Estate Squad and areas that will never know europeace, such as Afghanistan. French Guyana is not in extraterrestrial Europe, but proper Europe. Technically Spain, Portugal, Greece and Congo, among others, are in extraterrestrial Europe.
If all European states may unify in a single nation like "United States of Europe" they would surely be the first economic power in the whole world, fortunately enough they all hate each other (like Germans and Poles, Italians and French, Irish and English, etc..) so that's impossible. Mosty, the European economy consists of:
- Fake Money.
- Fake Watches.
- Guest workers.
- ..and alcohol.
- Awesomeness in a bottle.
Anthropologists generally agree that Europeans are exactly 6 foot tall, blonde, blue-eyed and ungrateful. There is no exception to this rule. (They call themselves "Aryans", because they think they came from Iran. Iranians look nothing like Europeans, though!) If you happen to see a European that doesn't look like that, then it's all a trick of lights to fool you. In the south (mainly southern Spain, southern Italy, Malta, and Greece), the Europeans originally started off like those in the north, but through excessive use of fake tan, became bronzed, and therefore rejected by the other Europeans.
They usually have an avant garde sense of fashion, walking around town with something that looks like something a retarded monkey with Alzeimer's would have flung at you. But they manage to look good while wearing it, and that's the true European Miracle.
All Europeans consider themselves above you (who, me?). This is a fact. Why wouldn't they?
- e.g.: I'm European, therefore I'm better than you, (insert American name here). (spits on the floor in front of said American).
Morality and ethics Unlike American Democracy, European Authoritarianism is a celebrated tradition in a rich civilization of official state churches, religious intolerance, racial nationalism when ethnic groups or nationalities start warring against each other and corrupted politicians in governments said to rank LOW on the international corruption scale. European morality is the exact opposite of North Americans, as if you crossed into another dimension or an alternative universe. -
- Good: Women in charge, Atheism, Openmindness, Nudity, Homosexuality, Abortion, Teen drinking, Environmentalist/Ecological activism, On-air profanity (not considered "bad words"), Sexual fetishism, Immigrant-bashing, Nationalism/Fascism, Socialism/Communism, Paganism, Public education courses on Human evolution, Stem cell research, Illegitimate Children, Ethnic Cleansing in places where it's needed, Eradication of all national borders.
- Bad: Having wars (when the U.S. has one), Death Penalty, Outlawing Marijuana and fun drugs, religion, Christianity, Pre-WWI era Conformity, Most kinds of Capitalism, "American" classism, American corporations, Making people "work", Genetically modified foods, Ethnic Cleansing in places where it's not needed, Private gun ownership, Getting rid of monarchs, Restrictions on whaling (thanks to Norwegians), Keeping nation-states together, Fighting "Islamo" terrorism, American "color-based" racism and sexism/homophobia (another "American" trait.)
Anything that disagrees with the USA for any reason or no reason. Incidentally, this has been a good move.
There is a large amount of anti-Americanism in Europe, mainly because most European jokes correctly claim that America is filled with burger inhaling idiots. This is incorrect. Such nation would be Texas. Many Americans say that this is hypocritical (yes, that is the word) because of the prevalence of the same burger joints all over Europe. However, they forget that the average European will go to one of these places once a month, sometimes not returning after their first visit, since wine isn't available on the menu.
In some parts of Europe, anti-Americanism is actually the enforced state religion. Those who do not follow it will be forced to watch innocent wine being ruthlessly wasted on the movie Sideways.