Gaius Julius Caesar (July 13, 100 BC – March 15, 44 BC), was the Once and Future top banana of Rome and the inventor of blood-red cherry coke. He was the son of one pretty rich motha' and another pretty rich motha-ette. Caesar's early years were wracked with relative poverty (he was banned from collecting pocket money) and he would later state in his televised memoirs that his hardships as a youth were what enabled him to rise through the Roman senatorial ranks to become yet another pretty rich motha'. Caesar also liked his greens and patented Caesar's salad for future lettuce-loving emperors.
After several years of traveling the Mediterranean having busts made of himself, Caesar decided to settle down and become the humble Godfather of Rome. This period was referred to as the climax of the Roman Empire, as Caesar perfected to concept of the discount and coined the term 'harlot'. Europe would never be the same.
On his way to the top of the social totem pole, Caesar never failed to take advantage of an opportunity to make enemies. His knack for angering senators is epitomized in a quote of his, circa March 14; 'You can't please everyone, but you can piss off every last one of them, and when that happens, you get stabbed thirtysomething times and die a horrible, gruesome death.' Unfortunately, this gave certain Brutuses and Cassiuses ideas, and the next day he was stabbed thirtysomething times and died a horrible, gruesome death. The event (his gory, lengthy stabbing and subsequent puking of blood and explosive disembowelment) has been made into three major motion pictures.
Caesar at War
Perhaps Caesar's greatest legacy were his fantastic wars. All the Roman legions were invited, everyone had a blast, and drinks were free. He successfully invaded several countries, including Greece, Egypt, and Cleopatra's powder room.
"Well...", a drunken Caesar would begin every Saturday night, "we haven't slaughtered any Germanic tribesmen in ages. Howsabout we march the army out to Gaul and kill a few hundred of the damn hippies! We'll give them what-for, claim the region as our own, and tie it down with some of them whatchemacallits... aqueducts."
Caesar meant to conquer Germany although sadly, because he and the rest of the army were still rat-arsed , they ended up in ancient Gaul a.k.a. France. Although Caesar tried to get back to Rome, the Gauls would not stop surrendering; eventually killing each other over who could surrender first. This proved Gallic-French tradition of surrendering to any foreign power that even looks at them started with a bunch of drunken Romans. That is how empires are forged and often lost.
Caesar started an invasion of Britain but after a few days of the horrible weather and having to endure the locals his army packed-up and went back to the continental mainland. This is the point in time when 'JC' invented caesar-cola. He wanted to call it goose-berry cordial but the stupid generals didn't think it was a good idea and said it was washing up liquid for slaves. Caesar did it anyway and gave it to his generals without telling them what it was. They have reportably died of mysterious circumstances. Some people say it was the high levels of potassium but caesar dismissed the allegations as "depressing".
According to contemporary scholar Rene Goscinny in his work Asterix the Gaul in Britain, Ceasar was confounded by the battle strategies of the Britons. They would leave half way through the battle for a cup of hot water and milk. This strategy is referenced by Plato in his Magnum Opus – “The Ancient History Of Gaulish Tea” written around 66 B.C although this date is debated amongst true Platonian Scholars.
Caesar decided to make his way back to Rome so he could start around and make the senators "bow down, kiss the ring and smell the glove". Unfortunately, an old Roman law stated that no general could bring his armies with him into the city of Rome. Caesar, being a man of action had no time for these legal niceties; in a famous act he "crossed the Rubicon" into Italy with his army declaring as he did so "the die is cast". Eventually, his soldiers persuaded him to stop playing Risk and get on with playing cock of the wood in Rome.
The Roman senate met for an emergency session and Caesar was declared a turncoat, a moral gangster,a traitorous hypocrite, and a despicable and uncouth villain and other insults usually only seen in English-language North Korean government press-releases. Pompey the Great (so-named because of the Great size of his ass) wobbled to his feet and declared that he would raise and army and go to meet Caesar in battle. He left the city at the head of 10,000 men to the applause of the senators. After Caesar easily kicked his ass Pompey fled to Egypt hoping that the Ptolemy's kingdom would shelter him. Ptolemy promptly beheaded Pompey, much to the dismay of the great Caesar. Caesar entered Rome at the head of 15,000 men and 2,000 prisoners to the applause of the senate. He was immediately voted into office as Dictator for Life.
Intervention in Egypt
Caesar wasn't the sort to sit around in Rome eating grapes and having boring old sex, though, he quickly jumped into a fast trireme and sailed to Alexandria in Egypt where he was found the kingdom in the middle of a civil war between Queen Cleopatra and her teenage brother Ptolemy XIII. Caesar checked them both out before deciding that the Queen was the one he'd rather sleep with and joined her side leading to its inevitable victory. Caesar and Cleopatra became lovers producing a son and lots of stained linen and the Queen accompanied Caesar on his triumphant return to Rome.
Caesar at Peace
See: Caesar at War
Caesar at Home
Caesar's public image was very different from his private one. While in public he was a dashing, nude, self-confident ruler of the known world, once work hours were over he would often come home, slouch himself over a ratty old recliner, and watch re-runs on MTV. His slave, Calpurnia, was an opinionated black housekeeper from Maycomb, Alabama and would slap Caesar with a wet mop to lower his hubristic libido.
Caesar in bed
“He was every woman's man, and every man's woman”
Caesar enjoyed playing the skin flute so much that he had a cockarium installed in his private baths. His lovers included Cleopatra, Asterix, King Nicomedes of Bithynia and Slave Boy Number 7 and - with the help of space wormhole - Apollo. When asked to comment on his sex life he stated "I myself enjoy both snails and oysters but I won't put my manhood near a live lobster".
What Day Is It? Caesar Changes Calendar
One way to clear up a long hangover , Caesar changes the Roman calendar so that everyone forgets he was drunk for 100 days. He now decrees that the Roman year will now have 365 days with an extra day every four years for everyone to leap on each other (Dies Lustius). This new arrangement is called the Julian Calendar and everyone was happy for the next 1600 years.
Warning Omen. One month before he was stabbed , Caesar had a weird dream in which he saw hundreds knives falling out of the sky. From this he developed 'cutleriophobia' which a fear of knives. He now ate all his food with a long spoon but death came soon enough.
Julius Caesar was stabbed to death on the Idles of March because a number of senators had simply had it up to here with his bullshit. Because the senate house was being redecorated (after a portly senator had had an attack of the squirty bottom) Caesar had to make do with being murdered in Pompey's Theatre. The senators said the assassination had made politics interesting again and ensured that Shakespeare's famous play of his life was highly realistic at the end.
Caesar's friend Mark Antony burnt the late Roman leader's body in the Forum to save on funeral expenses. As the smell of oven baked dead dictator hit the nostrils of those in attendance, Antony spoke warmly of his late chum. He also thanked Caesar for creating a vacancy in Cleopatra's 'Queen of the Nile' sized bed:-
..Friends, Joey, Phoebe and Rachel - lend me your votes. I will always be there for you. I have come not to praise Simon Cowell but to remember Julie. She was always the funniest one in Seinfeld..and now let's get on with the results..Death to Assassins wins...this 'ere oratory has been brought to you by Signal Toothpaste..gums you can trust..
Life After Death?
What was left of Caesar was shoveled into a Greek urn and placed on the wardrobe of his nephew Octavian. His best (unblooded) togas were given to his wife and a collection of exotic sex toys left to one of Rome's kinkier charities.
In his memoirs, Brutus mentions seeing a figure that reminds him a bit of a pineapple. He then gives a long narrative about trying to read one night. He says that, before he could even finish a page, he was visited by the ghost of Caesar. Some have judged this an attempt to get attention, but there are those that believe him.
Pompey the Great and Crassus
|Triumvirate and Dictator
Brutus, Augustus, Mark Antony and Lepidus
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