French is a series of incomprehensible garglings and throat utterances belched out by the French, and those nations who have been unfortunate enough to be invaded by them in the past (a sand dune in the Sahara populated by an ant colony and some inconsequential rice farmers in Vietnam). Despite French sounding similar to a throat disease, it is the international language of surrender, and therefore love.
Back when the Europeans split up, French people spoke Latin. Then, they discovered a plant. This plant was very addictive to the French people, but slurred their speech, causing them to frequenty say such weird sounds as "wah" and not pronounce the "s" at the end of (even plural) words. French people, mostly adults and delinquents, consumed this plant in the form of drinks, made from the roots. Their children tried to imitate their parents' slurred speech, and created bizarre spelling rules as well. They never got to hear Latin the way it was supposed to be said. They passed the language onto THEIR children. As a result, French was born.
What is known to be the "French language" is actually spoken virtually nowhere on earth. As can be seen in many films the French actually just speak English with a dodgy accent. The "French" sounding noises are just put on to annoy the tourists, and to trick chicks who don't know any better into bed. Only the Québécois actually speak French, and they do it just to annoy the Americans.
This highly complex nuptial custom is deep-rooted in French culture, going back to the Gauls (from French "avoir la gaule": to suffer from erectile hyperactivity), who would fight for days over in the hope of appeasing their insatiable appetite. Those fights were recounted by Julius Caesar in his famous best-seller "The Gallic Wars" (a corruption from Latin: "The Phallic Wars"), a Romanized version of the autobiography of great French historian Astérix.
The Uvular 'R'
The uvular 'r' is a method of pronunciation attributed primarily to the French and small animals (such as angry poodles). The method first came into practice around c17, used by the fashionable members of the salon to clear their throats in public without having to interrupt speech (also known as de-flegmation). The method spread throughout the fashionable societies of Europe and later was adopted by the bourgeoisie who, believing it to be simply sophisticated pronunciation, used it for every 'r' in everyday speech (in a way reminiscent of Monsieur Jourdain of Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme fame). The 'r' then spread from the bourgeoisie down to the plebs who used it to such an extent that the French language mutated into something that resembled a symptom of tuberculosis (see consumption) or the chesty cough. It has remained this way ever since. Pronouncing "gonorrhea" is fatal for anyone French, as it causes a massive implosion of their head because of the uvular 'r' pronunciation.
French Domestic Life
What is less known about the French is their domestic life. Long ignored by National Geographic and Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, Uncyclopedia has uncovered several French traditions that we will now share:
- Strike! Typical summer activity for French citizens is going on strike. While peoples of most English-speaking nations believe this to be due to French wall building, research shows that this activity is a complex learned biophysiologic activity. Laboratory studies performed on Alan Sugar's Apprentices have proven that activities closely associated with striking (e.g., marching (sans guns), hand waving, sign making, croissant hitting, nude figure-skating, etc.) release endorphins in the brain that are very similar to those noted by scientists training Belgian soldiers to surrender.
- Surrendering: Another of France's favourite pastimes is surrendering. The French are one of the most experienced nations at surrendering, as it is a tradition passed down from father to son. Even at an early age, these Froggies understand that they should always carry a white flag in their pocket and that it is always polite to surrender to any immigrants that could be preparing to invade. Even groups of Japanese Tourists should be surrendered to, despite their lack of a military, because the French have the unique capability of losing to anyone. As demonstrated during WWII, France is an expert at surrendering and advice on how to surrender has been sought from the French by various other countries in order to learn how to lose their battles gracefully. The only Frenchman who is famous for not having mastered the art of surrendering is Napoleon Bonaparte (and he was Corsican!).
- Excessive cheese consumption In France, when one's hands are not busy surrendering, picketing or flipping the bird to American tourists, they are usually full of fresh, pungent cheeses. The average Frenchie needs to consume somewhere in the vicinity of 1.2kg of cheese per day in order to bloat sufficiently. This bloating is the main source of all French aggravation and is caused by the enzymic interplay between the high rennet content of fresh cheeses and the tiny biological remnant that is the French hippocampus. The hippocampus is the emotional warehouse of the brain and without it, the French are forced by nature to just curse randomly and wave their private parts at passing cars.
Useful French words and phrases
Here are a few French phrases you will probably end up using if you go to France:
Je me rends ! translates into "I surrender!", a very useful term for all French people, who have it drummed into their heads in primary school.
Je mange des escargots translates into "I am so hungry, I eat anything that looks even remotely alive."
Il ne se prend pas pour de la merde ! means "We Need to love each other."
C'est d'la merde ! means "Thank you so much for this delicious meal!"
J'ai complètement merdé en littérature anglaise. Et je suis très faggoterois. signifies "I'm not an Englishman!!"
Oui oui, je suis française. J'adore la baguette, je suis française. Commonly used phrase to prove one is French.
Est-ce que votre fille a 18 ans? is used when asking how one's family is.
Plus près du trou, monsieur? is polite language for "How may I help you sir?"
Common French language facts
- All sentences end with the question "no?" as a way of tricking you into a debate, in which they will then surrender.
- All French speaking people are able to communicate with and therefore easily deceive and consume Frogs.