Furry

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This illustration demonstrates that there is nothing attractive at all about members of this sick cult.

“Well, they got me banned from the fan site.”

~ Oscar Wilde, on the cusp of his fateful decision to switch to "poetry."

Furries are people who derive pleasure from dressing up as animals and having sex with each other. They usually inhabit online communities such as YouTube, Google, and Uncyclopedia. They are a "band of brothers" where every sibling is a twisted individual who needs to have a major brain operation. Their ultimate goal in life is to have sex with an actual animal[1]. Most furries are Japanese, because they're crazy over there. (Ignore that last, if you're Japanese.) A non-furry should never approach one of these individuals without a rape whistle, taser and copious amounts of pepper spray.

Life cycle

Furries were once children that grown up with animal-related cartoons, such as Sonic, Pokémon and anything made by Walt Disney. Even reptiles, such as dragons, and birds. These animal-loving children later grew up and turn on their childhood favourites, by drawing porn of them and involving them in sex with fursuits and horse dildos. They make drawings of these trysts and put them onto the Internet.

Many furries are friends with non-furries, to whom they try to spread this disease. They may lure them to furry conventions by telling them it is "just an anime-con." But it is the biggest con of all. They put their unsuspecting friends into a trance with a furry mating dance, in which the unsuspecting human might think they can escape, but in reality will be mind-controlled and turn into a furry himself. Then the ex-human starts to infect non-furries and the cycle continues.

Types of furries

Being a "furry" means never having to go to art school.
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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Furry.

There are many varieties of furry, each fetishing a different kind of animal or creature.

Dog furries

The most common kind is the dog furry, which worships demons in the form of a man with the fur and head of a dog, a wolf, or a fox. Their demon gives them the ability to see everything as a wolf/fox/dog, and unfortunately for their associates, to incessantly draw everything they think they see. They are unhinged from reality because they have fur in colors that real animals don't have, such as pink or metallic sparkle, and never bark nor howl but merely make noises like "Yiff!"

Dragon furries

Dragon furries worship dragons, in a manner similar to when Alduin’s dragon cult worshiped the beasts when they ruled Skyrim prior to the Dragon War. As dragons are creatures that do not exist and do not have fur, Dragon furries are the most divorced from reality. The biggest health risk to members of this class is to die after denying reality for an eternity.

Franchise furries

Some furries fetish franchises instead of actual animals. They comprise Pokéfurs, Digifurs, Disneyfurs, and Sonicfurs.

Since Pokémon includes sexy, fur-based characters, many furries include them in their perverse games of pretend. Digifurs are the same thing, but they fetish Renamon. Sonicfurs are the worst and most prolific of all, the scourge of the entire gaming community.

The Disneyfur is the sickest of all furries. Since 100% of Walt Disney's creations are based on furry animals, it has induced furry monstrosities to sell their souls to the furdevil. They are the greatest threats to healthy childhood, developing erections from watching cartoons for 6-year-olds. One race of them, known as the Rangerphiles, are unequaled in ferocity.

These participants at a convention of "furries" are infatuated with the hippopotamus. Oh Jesus ladies, you should be careful with this one. Jerry Springer anyone?

The newest swarm of eldritch monsterities, known as Bronies, can spread their contagious "contributions" through all of 4Chan in under two minutes. Anybody walking into the 20-square radius of a brony will turn into one. In fact you can turn into a brony just by entering a brony site and watching the trailer of My Little Pony. You don't even need to interact with a brony to get infected.

Franchise furries religiously return to McDonald's or Burger King to collect every drinking cup or toy in the series. Without franchise furries, the world economy would collapse.

Automotive furries

The most odious of the franchise furries, the automotive franchisors built motorcars inside fursuits in an attempt to disguise their true nature from passers-by. It's bad news when marketers propose "reskinning" in a straight-faced manner as an alternative to fixing valid technical issues, and the 1959 Plymouth Furry was no exception. Introduced by Chrysler to distract from the havoc caused by Christine, 1958's Plymouth Fury, it was the first of a long series of cars inexplicably named after cute, furry creatures for no reason but to distract left-wing environmentalists.

The distinctive fursuit-based design worked wonders to spare Chrysler the Ralph Nader-inspired attacks directed at all other US Big Three automakers. Ignoring the cuddly-looking Plymouth Furry, Nader instead directed his fury against the Chevrolet Corvair and the exploding Ford Pinto as "unsafe at high speed" and "unsafe at any speed". Had Nader realised what really lurked behind that 1959 Plymouth Furry exterior, he might have thought twice about concentrating his efforts and wrath solely upon her rivals.

Inevitably, the tactic was copied by other automakers with a menagerie of critters. Cars were named for birds (AMC Eagle, Ford Falcon), horses (Hyundai Pony, Dodge Charger), kittens (Jaguar, Bobcat) and sheep (Dodge Ram and Aries) along with other nuisance wildlife like the VW Rabbit. White Elephants were herded onto car lots everywhere in a misguided attempt to distract Nader and his Green Party minions from the number of animals run down at John Deere crossings. Without the distinctive red fursuit within which the Chrysler engineers designed the Plymouth Furry, however, the effect was lost.

What you can do to help

Christine the Plymouth Furry
  • Draw a real lion/wolf/tiger out of its cage, and see if the furry runs. He will either do that or sprout an erection, and either way, he dies (unless he is a Dragonfur).
  • Or force them to watch human porn. This exposure to normality will often make their heads explode and their bodies burst into flames.
  • Pull the page out on Duke Otterland and how he got laughed out of the small press by both non-furries and those screaming yiff in hell.
  • Putting down furries with a dose of arsenic is an option that is much more humane than leg-hold traps.
  • Pull aside a furry and give them a small press publication; showing them how that small press will see them as a walking punchline and ask the right questions to weird them out.

Note

  1. Or at least half of an actual animal, which amounts to the same thing.

See also


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