A Queef is an emission (or expulsion) of air from the vagina of Queen Elizabeth, often during or after sexual intercourse or (less often) other sexual acts, stretching or exercise. In layman's terms, the event is also known as a pussyfart or a butterfly kiss.
Detecting the Event
When introduced at Court, servicing Her Royal Majesty's Secret Service, or exercising the dogs with the Queen, there may a time in which a sound from the Queen may announce that HM has Queefed.
Because this is a biological event, there will be no announcement by the Footman that a Queef has been expelled, so one should keep their ears cocked for the whisper like sound. The sound of a Queef is somewhat comparable to flatulence from the anus but does not involve waste gases and thus often has no specific odor associated.
As is the case whenever one meets the Queen of England, there are protocols that must be followed to prevent one from not only embarrassing oneself, but HM, as well. With her advanced age, the the likelihood that the Queen will Queef is greater than the possibility that HM will say the word "fuck".
- In the event that a Queef is suspected, but not confirmed, do nothing. This includes asking the Queen if she just heard someone make a "pussy fart". Do not state that you have just received a whiff of curry. Instead continue on as if nothing has happened, and whatever you do, do not smile or snicker.
- In the event that a Queef is heard, and one is a woman, one "takes the bullet" for the Queen and excuses themselves. Then one slowly backs away from the Queen, and when ten paces away from HM, turns and runs at fastest pace possible, ultimately leaving the Royal grounds, never to return again. Yes, we know that you have waited your whole life to meet the Queen. But it is also your duty to the Crown, and you will be remembered as a great patriot.
- In the event that a Queef is heard, and one is a man, one stops to admire either the nearest piece of art (if indoors) or the nearest bird (even if it is imaginary).
- In the event that a Queef is heard, and Camilla is proximate to the Queen, then people of any sex may glare at Camilla and thus placing the blame on her, and thus removing any suspicion from the Queen. Don't feel bad for Camilla. This arrangement was part of the deal made by the Queen and Camilla before the wedding. (That, and the Queen gets to saddle up Camilla for an occasional trot on the grounds at Windsor.)
In different foreign lands, it is possible for the Constitutional (titular) Monarch, if a woman to Queef as well, however certain language particularities may come into play. For example:
- In Swedish (the language of Norse love) a Queef is called a dam stinka.
- In olde English, the word is Kweeff.
- In Nerd, the word is Vaginal Flatulence.
Where's the Queef?
- Queen Victoria never Queefed.
- Despite being a Queen, and being backed up by Queen, Freddie Mercury never Queefed either.
- When a Vagina does Queef, the motion that its anatomical parts impart is called a Quaver.
- Wendy's International, the U.S. fast-food giant was best known for its 1988 commercial entitled "Where's the beef?" However Clara Peller, the old woman assigned to deliver the line, repeatedly said "Where's the Queef?" in 97 of 98 camera takes.
- Queefing from jumping
- Queefing from stretching
- Big Queef
- Alicia Queefs
- Queefer Sutherland
- Queef Urban
- Queef Olbermann
- Queef West
- Francis Scott Queef
- Steve McQueef
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This article was chosen as the Best Rewrite in the July 2007 Poo Lit Surprise writing competition.