Plushophilia

Why are you looking at me like that? I didn't do it! You're the one who's crazy!

Plushophilia is the sexual and/or romantic attraction to stuffed animals. This is one of the more misunderstood sexual practices in the world, given that people are self-assured, closed-minded buttfucks in general, but who cares? Masturbating with a plushie is one of the best things you can do with your spare time (granted that you're into that sort of thing, you sick fuck.)

And how exactly does one have sex with a plush toy, you ask? The answer is, any way you want. It's not like the plushie is going to object (unless you imagine that it has a personality.) Most often, humping is involved, or the use of an SPH (strategically placed hole). In case you were wondering, masturbation is actually good for you. Yes, sir. That was really random--kind of.

How do stuffed animals turn you on?

Just a good ol' round of sexual roleplaying.

Whether it's a stuffed Bugs Bunny, or just your average old teddy bear; when you're a pulshophile, anything may turn you on. If the stuffed animal happens to be a cartoon character, most plushophiles will find footage of the character (who is assumetly bipedal) on all fours. This will arouse them in the feeling that they're not usually exposing themselves in this manner. They will also usually drool and hump when they find the character bending over to reveal their buttocks. This is well known as visual plushophilia.

When to do it

"Okay honey, i'm just dropping off your father at his board meeting! Be back in an hour!" Most plushophiles do their work when nobody's around. The second the car engine starts; the windows are closed, the hidden plush toy is taken out, and some funky music is usually turned on. Of course, there is the odd plushophiliac that is fat, lonely, and old, and pretty much does what they do pretty much anyday.

Reception

So, if it such an innocent and wholesome practice, why in the world do people have a problem with it? Well, first of all, there is the issue of size. Plushies generally aren't the size of a full-grown human. To answer this dilemma, quoted from the movie Bride of Chucky:

"It's not the size that matters--it's what you do with it."

Another issue is the possible implications of bestiality. Many people have no strong opinions for or against bestiality, but plushophilia is:

1. Only bestiality if you imagine it to be, and
2. Is a potential healthy outlet for people's bestiality fantasies.

So, you and your pet poodle's ass are safe. But we all know who's fault it is when it starts defecating semen enriched feces. Oh yeah, you're cleaning that up as well.

Then there is the stereotype of fat, smelly middle-aged men as furries that is often associated with plushophilia. This does not have to be true, although it is. For all you know, the abuser could be a cute little teenager (maybe not cute, but still not a fat smelly middle-aged man).

Response from the Plush Toys

In 2005, victims of plushophilia started the NAARP (National Association for Anal Raped Plushes). Many of these plushes sued their abusers. However, due to scientific research and recent study, plush toys can not sue people nor start organizations.

Conclusion

Be forewarned: this is not a comprehensive field guide to plushophilia. I'm not God (or Satan for that matter). If your little brother's teddy bear is mysteriously covered in a gooey substance, it's not our problem.