From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Adherents will only consume meat if it is raised away from any pigs and then prepared halal or with a sensual oil massage.

Jizzlam is the premier 'sex positive' sect of Islam, in the sense that the sect subscribes to all aspects of Sharia law except those pertaining to sexual activity. While garden variety Islam condemns even vegetables shaped like genitals as haram, adherents of the sect (referred to as Jizzlamists) have proudly incorporated sexuality into ritual traditions lasting 15 minutes or less, maybe 25 when someone gets the whipped cream out. As a result of the denomination's syncretism, Sunni tend to see Jizzlamists as guilty of apostasy, while Shia look upon them as heathen believers of a false faith. Atheists, however, view them mostly on late night pay per view.

Although all Islamic sects follow the same sharia teachings, Jizzlamists often do so for different reasons to others; while all denominations teach one to eschew from use of alcohol, Jizzlamists do so because they believe alcohol cheapens the holy act of intercourse, and also prevents one from attempting the more flexible and exotic positions.

The organized sect originated in the times of the Kufa Caliphate, but followers of Jizzlam often claim The Prophet himself as an early proponent, however his marriage with the 9 year old Aisha may have overstepped the bounds of sexual freedom even in Jizzlamic thought.


Prayer is still practiced in mosques, which look remarkably similar to other mosques except for the teams and teams of tired-looking janitors with mops and disinfectant.

The basic creed of Jizzlam, which is shared with all other Islam sects, is the oath; "I testify that there are no deities other than Allah alone and I testify that Muhammad is his Messenger." Insulting The Prophet (Muhammad) is therefore prohibited and punishable by death, however complimenting both his girth and virility is permissible. Jizzlamic adherents are also firm believers in the religious tolerance of Islam, derived from The Prophet's command to 'protect' members of non-Islamic faiths that is usually read as an endorsement for interfaith cooperation and contraception.

Where Jizzlam differs from other Islamic sects is their interpretation of the hadith, or traditional retelling of The Prophet's words and experiences. Adherents believe that The Prophet was too embarrassed to publicly discuss sexual matters in salacious detail where his dozens of elderly aunts may be listening, but mother would fret if he didn't invite them to the damn sermons. He instead saved his true teachings on sexual matters for raucous thigh-slapping tales over a pint of rose water with his mates, and often with the more phallic cooked meals for illustration, too.

The Prophet supported polygamy, as is widely known because elderly aunts enjoy boring things like marriage, however his progressive nature may have encompassed a wide array of other intimate affairs if Jizzlamic interpretation of Sharia is believed. These include everything from the description of a rather different form of fluid that is allowed for consumption during the Ramadan fast, to the approval of any form of intercourse involving 10 concubines, 2 goats, 3 barrels of honey and a ripe fig.

Interestingly all non-sexual aspects of Sharia are fiercely maintained, though often for differing reasons:

  • Pro-hygine (ablution): Although believers in sex, the sect are only believers in sex when prefixed with the word 'safe'. Every man and woman must clean his or her self religiously before and after or, if in a shower, during intercourse. A contagious rash is the only thing more irritating to most mosque goers than a Zionist state.
  • Anti-alcohol: A social lubricant for the millennia since the Greeks first fermented fruit, alcohol has become notorious for date rapes by the various college kids who adopted those Greek names along with their liquor. Jizzlamists decided centuries ago it was better to trust the sober desires of a woman, or tell her something similarly soppy, than abuse her brain and liver with a mild poison. Plus it lessens the chances of sick on your proverbial.
  • Criminal punishment: Despite rather enjoying a hand feeling about in the pocket, traditional Jizzlamic still supports harsh punishments for theft and robbery. Amputation of limbs was once the norm, but today the punishment for repeat offenses is banishment to demeaning small end convenience store ownership. Many of the convicted would still prefer the former.


The prayer itself is designed to praise Allah for his infinite mercy. Much the same way Allah provided humans seven gates to hell and eight gates to heaven, Allah gave us wrinkly, hairy appendages that often get caught in zippers, but in his infinite mercy he also blessed these with the ability to feel really, really good.

A common misconception is that Jizzlamic prayer must always involve love making, however doing so for the five daily prayer sessions mandated by all Islamic teaching would test the flesh of even the most devout teenage boy. Simply reciting Quranic verse and then indecently exposing oneself towards Mecca is considered satisfactory. Religious duties are usually performed on a comfortable mat, while shoes are also left at the door to prevent the dirtiness extending beyond the confines of the mat.


The uniquely open minded nature of Jizzlam owes its origins to the efforts of several early Islamic figures who worked to blend 'sex positive' interpretations of The Prophet's word with long sessions of heavy petting by nubile assistants.


The scene of the first Islamic-Jizzlamic conflict, Basra was littered with thousands of corpses and hundreds of stiffs.

Most Islamic sects have traditionally viewed man as the 'maintainer' of women, something apparently best achieved by wrapping them up tightly and putting them in storage to keep them in mint condition. For the most part, any Islamic woman who sought to transition from this role of child-bearer to flesh-barer or, Allah forbid, degree-bearer soon found herself on the outer edge of her community.

Jizzlam, however, embraces the Quranic interpretations of al-Gogurl, who was converted after personally hearing from The Prophet of his meeting with the angel Gabriel and Gabriel's mesmerizing set of abs. As a 12 year old girl, the idea of an androgynous angel with a long and dark past obviously captivated her, and for several years she invited people to hear about Islam in secret and to look upon her various sketches of effeminate boys.

An adult al-Gogurl was of the belief The Prophet only condemned the display of the female form because talking about that is really awkward when your elderly aunts are looking at you. As the first female convert of The Prophet, she is considered "one of the guys" in traditional hadith and would therefore have been privy to his true opinions on sex because she was like a bro, just with a shapelier form, you know? Her writings suggest it is Allah's will that women get in touch with their own sexuality, particularly when achieved via full-body massage at women-only spas.

Following The Prophet's death in 632, al-Gogurl completed a period of exploration, coming in contact with the Caliphs warring over the succession. When chastised by the Caliph in Kufa for prostrating herself in front of all manner of Arabic tribal royalty, she delivered a fiery speech affirming that a woman should not feel ashamed for assessing all her options and their very, very pert pecs. Indeed, when the Caliph refused to stop his asshole friends from trying to pressure women into wearing those burkas the men liked, al-Gogurl raised an army and besieged his forces near Basra. Despite early gains, her forces become quite distressed after remaining upright for more than 4 hours and were soundly defeated, and she retired to a life of writing religious doctrine and the odd erotic fiction.

Her first act as a scholar was to codify the female right to education, even in humanities if she chose to disappoint her parents. Although Islamic text already forbids female infanticide, in her later writings al-Gogurl also further clarified the raising of daughters:

When news is brought of the birth of a female child, his face darkens and he is filled with inward grief! "Who shall inherit my gentleman's literature," he cries! "What of my dutch ovens and pull my finger jokes?" With shame the father hides himself from his people because of the rolling of teenage eyes his actions may prompt! Shall he chaperon her dates or allow her to go with the athletic team? Ah! what an evil he decides on if he accompanies a couple to Lover's point!

This is then proceeded by 37 volumes specifically banning female circumcision, another 4 elucidating that there was no other interpretation of this ban, and a page of diagrams concluding with a comically large foot repeatedly stepping on a man responsible for female circumcision.

Gays and lesbians

Open minded and closed minded at the same time. Bisexuals are welcomed in Jizzlam, too.

For a group of people who are so ambivalent towards the intermingling of different sexes and so supportive of covering any trace of female sexuality, most sects of Islam have historically been harsh on the gay community. In conventional Islamic thought, the homosexual has been something to put your rocks on, rather than something to get your rocks off. This all changed with the hadith compiled by one al-Jibbiti, an 9th century Persian scholar with a flair for jurisprudence and robes that never clashed.

At age sixteen al-Jibbiti made the pilgrimage to Mecca together with his widowed mother and his collection of prose about chiseled, topless Khorasan dock workers. From there he made a series of travels in order to, well let's say, increase his knowledge of hadith, which was all mother needed to hear about that matter. He traveled all the important centers of Islamic learning of his time, spoke at length to scholars and exchanged information on the hadith, then on the musnad, then on the cold tiles, then on the hadith again. The popular belief is that he heard from over 1,000 men and learned over 600,000 oral traditions, tens of which involved the spoken word.

Jizzlamists derive their support for the gay community from al-Jibbiti's description of with what he believed to be the correct retelling of The Prophet's experience with homosexuals:

The Prophet cursed effeminate men and their firm buttocks and their pouty lips; those men who assume the manners of women and those women who assume the manners of men, and he said, "Turn them out of your houses!" The Prophet turned out such-and-such man, and 'Umar turned out such-and-such woman, and he turned out so much such-and-such his loins became rather red and swollen.

The minarets of a typical mosque may originate from an early Jizzlamic tradition to advertise to passing homosexual men which house of worship had the largest male appendage in its congregation (usually on a Khorasan dock worker). Lesbians were also encouraged by the typically high number of elderly aunts in attendance, some of who were possibly bi-curious.


As of 2014, the global population of Jizzlamic believers numbered up to 800,000, with hard figures surprisingly easy to come by. The sect is widely distributed across Asia, with significant communities in Northern Iraq, Southern Thailand and those communities of the Indian subcontinent that feel the kamasutra isn't quite advanced enough.

Jizzlamic extremism

Since the 1980s Jizzlamic extremists have detonated up to a dozen car bombs outside offices of the Saudi religious police. During the insurgency over 350 women have tragically been seen by male non-relatives and treated like human beings.

For the past few centuries, armed Jizzlamic groups have been in conflict with the Saudi state over its opposition to women's rights, and American support for the Saudi leadership has caused a degree of antagonism between fundamentalist Jizzlam and the Western nation.

In 2006 Jizzlamist militants in Northern Iraq took prisoner a group of missionaries from Tennessee after it was revealed the group had attempted to spread abstinence-based sexual education. The US public were suitably shocked when the militants broadcast video a week later of the missionaries having their purity rings brutally cut off, but fortunately a Navy SEAL team freed the hostages before they were forced to speak positively on video about abortion.

In 2009 the "Underwear Bomber", an educated dual Nigerian and Yemeni citizen, attempted to set off a device in his nether regions while aboard a Northwest Airlines flight, mimicking the modus operandi of a Jizzlamist by thrusting his flaming groin about the cabin. Thankfully he was revealed to be just a regular murderous terrorist, however all aboard the plane were taken for a cold shower and some gonorrhea booster shots, and the seats were shampoo-ed just in case.

Many extremists remain steadfast in their opposition to America, however there have been recent overtures from moderates offering a chance at peace and, logically, some truly wild make up sex.

Jizzlamic persecution

Militants of the Islamic State are fanatically opposed to the sect, and in mid-2014 the bloodthirsty terrorists vowed to attack several Jizzlamic villages in Iraq and to, in an act of genocide, "...rub one out entirely". The US Military delivered aid to the besieged village, to which the militants responded "(American) efforts to pull us off will only blow up in your face and eyes!" The threats only ended when the Islamic State militants killed their spokesman with a blow to the groin, but not like that.

Sadly members currently face great persecution, usually by antagonistic clerics who claim the dissemination of Jizzlamic texts is an attempt to make the elderly aunts of the congregation have sex. The thought of their elderly aunts in coitus obviously disgusts crowds and many take up arms against Jizzlam, because too many people seem to derive more pleasure from complaining about sex than having it themselves.

See also

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 1 December 2014
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/01 December 2014Template:FA/2014</includeonly>