Vikingdom of Norway
|Motto: ''"Alt for Norway. Ctrl for Sweden." |
(Translation: "Norway is famous for having everything. Sweden is famous for colonising.")
|Anthem: "Let it Go"|
|Official language(s)||German with a Chinese accent, German with a Japanese accent.|
|Government||Communist Utopian Kingdom|
|‑ Thor-Commander, God Emperor, King of Sweden, King of Denmark, Emperor of Norway, Duke-Elector of Brandenburg, Last dark souls boss, King of atlantis.||Harald V von Habsburg|
|‑ Regent||Princess Elsa|
|Adamantly refuses to join the EU|
|Religion||Paganism (Thorodian kind)|
|Population||More than Greenland|
|Ethnic groups||10% Swedes in denial, 20% Danes in denial, 65% Germans in denial, 5% Furries|
|Major exports||Heavy metal, minerals, oil, heavy water and any other valid resource reason for an invasion|
|Major imports||Acid Rain from the UK.|
Norway is one of the biggest and most influential countries in the world. In fact it is so big that the people living there decided it needed two different names (and two languages, more on that later). The names are: Noreg and Norge. Not hugely different, but enough that Norway has been on the brink of civil war for the last 150 years. The third name suggested, Noger, was rejected due to resemblance with politically incorrect terminology.
Norwegians at a glance
Norwegian women are ten times more beautiful than their sisters in Denmark, and they don't give up. More correctly, Norwegian women look like Aphrodite - especially by British and standards. Because of this Norway has the highest levels of STDs, one night stands, and teenage pregnancies in the world.
Norwegian men generally enjoy walking, shopping, texting and being superior to most of Northern Europe. Also known as the country with the highest recorded amount of daytime sleepwalkers. Recently the Norwegian male discovered electric guitars and promptly invented Black Metal, laying the foundation for Norway's booming music industry, which lead to a children's get together at Bodom Lake.
However the Norwegian people have a tendency to be overly nice, humble, socially awkward, much less cold and emotionless than their Swedish counterparts, and extremely adequate at sharing their opinions on same sex marriage, relationship and the practice of same sex intercourse.
One discovers that Norwegians are well known for their extremely high intellect and academic achievements, once one engages in conversation with them. They will tell you it is well known in Sweden, Denmark and Finland that the Norwegian males penis is by far larger than that of any other Scandinavian countries in the region, often as a conversation ice breaker.
It is also subjectively known that every student with a academic manuscript of over 90% positive has the name Hans, Petter, Jens or Tor. These names are the genie-in-a-bottle that Norwegian parents strive for as their offspring train to maintain a completely professional disposition regardless of age or situation, be it in the office, on holiday with the family or even in nursery school, where the first year focuses on how to operate a leather briefcase, calculator watch and filofax.
Norway is famous for its music, even if it does sound a bit wooden. It's most famous song probably being the national anthem:
Although Black metal is the main-genre of music. The band DDE, (the Devil's Death Embrace)has songs including "Her blir det liv" (Resurrect The Dead), "Vinsjan på kaia" (Hanged by a cat), "Vi skal sjå sola ned i havet" (Bringing Down The Sun), "Rompa mi" (My Assistant) and "E6" (Road To Hell). They are written in an old Norwegian language called "Trøndersk" and sounds extremely corny. On stage, the vocalist always walks around naked with only socks. DDE is the only European band visible from the moon.
Another self-proclaimed evil band is Ole Ivars. When on stage, they show video-clips of themselves petting Zoo Animals. Ole Ivars has proclaimed themselves as a truly strange band, through some of their songs: "Nei, så tjukk du har blitt" (Now, I Will Kill The Fatties), "Jag trodde änglarna fanns" (I Thought I Killed The Ducks) and "Som i himmelen" (As Africann).
One thing that is often brought up, is that all of Norwegian black metal bands sounds the same. Therefore, if you ever want to purchase Norwegian black metal music, buy only one single CD, as it will contain all songs already written, as well as all songs still to be written. This has been confirmed by a real Norwegian. (this actually is confirmed by a real Norwegian)
Since the country is so small there are only a handful actors and actresses that really make movies, such as Ricardo Cross. The cultural depth in current movies are as shallow as the Netherlands shorelines. Except for the ones that Cross is in.
Norway's National dish includes fish and potatoes drizzled in crude oil. It consists of fish and potatoes. In addition to fish and potatoes, there is some lamb and then some cabbage and a then a load of pepper. Lamb and cabbage stew tastes slightly like rubber until you chew on the pepper. With the lamb and cabbage stew they drink crude oil to help lessen the burn from the pepper.
At Christmas, Norwegians eat a meal called "pinnekjøtt" (stick meat). This is a dry "meat" they often fry on top of a Swedish sauna. They eat it with a shitload of potatoes to avoid tasting the actual meat.
Another popular dish is known as "kjøttkaker" (shit cakes). This is the dry "meat" mentioned previously, except in the form of a patty.
Norwegians also have a flatbread made from potatoes called "lefse", which they stuff with mystery meat, crude oil, fish, and potatoes before rolling it up and calling it "Mexican food."
In Norway football is called football because when they play it they use their feet. Norwegian hooligans are fierce, and those who can write often write letters on their chest. Some are even writing telegrams. The football teams are not very good, but at least they don't call it soccer. Also, their national football team is the only one to never have lost to Brazil. If you criticize the Norwegian football team in front of a Norwegian, may God have mercy on your soul.
- SV (Socialist Victory): A socialistic overground political front that promises everything, but only if they conquer the seat of Norway. Their leader, Kristin Halvorsen is well known for her mood swings and suffers from a chronic anger disease that manifest itself in calling everybody else a lost cause. Some might call her the Norwegian Sarah Palin just without a brain and a decent clothing.
- SP (The Separatist Norwegian Alliance for Socialistic Libertarianism and Texmex): An extremist group that throws cheap-ass sour apples produced in the alps and green dung in your face. Who is their leader? Ask Chuck Norris.
- FRP (Fuck, Rape, Pillage): Most known by their cult leader, Siv Jensen. They are mostly known for fighting people to get cheap booze and gasoline. Seem to be convinced that it's still AD800.
- KrF (Christian rape Freedom): An extremely influential group of extremist christians, financially backed by some of the most wealthy in individuals in Norway. Their leader; Grand Patriarch Knut Arild Hareide, Lord of the Holy Norwegian Christianity, is not only the hidden grand-grand-grand children of Martin Luther, but holds the title Grand Wizard of the KKK.
- DNA (The Norwegian Armed Workers Liberation Army): The Government Bureaucratic Workers Union's political party. Responsible for the extremely slow and by-the-book, yet overwhelmingly powerful and unignorable bureaucracy, which causes the most mundane tasks to require numerous forms to be filled and processed over years, often decades.
Most tourists don't visit Norway for its great nature. They come for hunting moose and fishing. Moose-hunting is done by car, and to correctly kill a moose, you have to ram it with your car. The Norwegian Tourist Council has started a campaign to promote moose-hunting in partnership Johan Johansen (Johan's dent body repair) in an effort to boost tourism in the country.
The campaign is called "Die hard, with a vengeance", and has been widely promoted on the Norwegian internet. For this campaign, they have used Gordon Ramsay driving a 4x4 around in a field full of unarmed defenseless animals.
There are two supermarkets in Norway, The Storting and Slottet. They specialize on exclusive meats, like elk-beef from the forest, penguins liver from Antarctica, Jensen ham and Stoltenberg-bacon.
The Storting is also the centre of attention every "shot-year", when the staff changes. The new staff always gets elected by the Norwegian public.
Since Norway has never actually entered the European Union, rejected by the famous speech by Atilla The Hun, Norway has been stuck in the glorious 6th century in which the Swedish Vikings raped and pillaged it, and afterwards installed the Geiranger Fjord. Because of their denial to join the EU, recently polled at 86% voted against, their housing has yet to evolve from wooden shacks built on a foundation of northeastern moose manure.
If you decide to visit Norway, be sure to bring lots of money!
Just about the only people who can afford to visit are the Germans who invade using a flotilla of mobile homes to reminisce about the good, old times in the 1940's. All bringing their own food with them. Food in Norway is expensive. A Big Mac meal-deal costs $11, and it's not even supersized. And if you think this is an over-exaggeration, just remember us when you're begging on the streets of Oslo, dying from starvation.
Things to do
Major attractions include the fjords, and Norwegian girls, you may also attend a black metal concert. These are strange conventions in which members of groups dress up in their traditional folkloric costume and sing jolly folk songs. People pay money to stand up for four hours, have their ears bleed, and be bruised by a group of men fucking each other aggressively.
The meetings also usually include a formal banquet, with the traditional main dish of deep fried Evangelical Christian and the tasty side courses of sacrificed squirrel's head. Orange Juice is offered as a refreshing beverage. Afterwards, there is a group hike through the endless forests to a fun recreational activity area, in which members of said groups torch down small plants.
The Keiko story
It has long been believed that Keiko the killer whale died of pneumonia during the animal's recent stay in the Norwegian fjords. This was of course not what happened; Keiko planted the story in the media himself, so that he could pursue his grand master plan of decimating the Norwegian football league, one team at a time. The plan seems to be going very well, most recently he brought down Fredrikstad FK. The club is now in total chaos, and Keiko is ready to move on to his next victim.
When the Norwegians discovered how to build boats, it made raiding other countries much easier for the Vikings who eventually robbed their way through most of Europe. This was very popular to the Vikings because they got to study the reaction of people of different cultures when they plundered them. They even went to to see if there were anything worth stealing there.
Some of the Norwegians could not be bothered to go back to Norway and ended up settling in some countries like England, France, and .
Although these people may have not really deserved it, they eventually found oil. In more recent history it should be noted that Norway twice tried to enter the EU, but both times they were rejected.
The Norwegians fought two major wars, the first was the war of independence (actually it was only called that after they heard many other places fought such wars) and the second was the great language war. This war came about as a more or less direct result of the disagreement over how the word "snow" should be written in Norwegian. One side suggested "snø", the other side suggested "snøyg". Due to the high importance, leading Norwegians like Ivar Aasen and Henrik Wergeland soon took sides and designed languages for both sides. They both clearly thought they were helping but in fact they were not as it erupted in the largest snow ball war ever recorded in history: A five year battle with snow balls, snow ball cannons and snow ball bombs.
Norwegian language is distinct by the fact it has three letters that differs from other European countries. The letters 'æ(Æ)', 'ø(Ø)' and 'å(Å)'. The first letter is an 'a' and an 'e' set very close together. The second is an 'o' and a 45 degree-angle 'i' and the last letter'å' is an 'a' with what Norwegians call a "prick" on top. Nobody knows how these letters were first made, but a commonly studied hypothesis is that the Æ was a result of simplification of the English words Aeroplane (Æroplane, see? they're bright!) when Norwegians started learning English. It is common for Norwegians to greet one another with the phrase "YAAARP" which translates into english as "Greetings fellow Viking, have you raped and pillaged today?". This phrase is almost always followed by "YAAARP" which translates into english as "Long live the frog king Xandoor".
Norway is a monarchy and people are in fact aware that it is a monarchy. This is only due to the fact that Ari Behn, the husband of the princess, is constantly reminding them of it. He likes to talk to the media and he also likes to talk Swedish, which is only confusing Norwegians. And confused Norwegians are angry Norwegians! Norwegians are nevertheless very supportive of the monarchy, for reasons unknown to the rest of the world!
The Norwegian king currently has no power. He does get to read some things sometimes, but he doesn't even like it. His other jobs is to cut what he refers to as "those red communist things". He is sometimes hosting dinners, and despite his repeatedly expressed wish to bring his guests to Burger King, he has to host and cook the dinners himself.
The Norwegian Government is divided in two; Stortinget and Regjeringen. Stortinget is a loosely defined collaboration of the highest organised crime leaders in Norway (danes and swedes has been know to occupy a few seats in the Storting on rare occasions). Stortinget appoints the Regjering, witch mostly consists of the 10-15 most influential criminals masterminds in norway. All government income from oil, taxes, revenues and so forth are funneled through the 'Statsminister', leader of Regjeringen.
- Jens Stoltenberg (translates: Merciful-God Pride-of-the-Mountain) 2005-2013 - One of the most cruel leaders in known history. Personally responsible for the casualties in the unnecessary lutefisk wars of 2003-2005 where millions of perfectly edible lutefisk where lost forever.
- Erna Solberg (translates: Serious Sun-Mountain) 2013-sitting - Pockets all government income and spends most of it on food and hair bleach.
Between 1905 and 2000 Norway fought its War of Independence against Sweden. The conflict is commonly known as the Loud war, since most of the war consisted of the building of huge stereo systems along the border. Both countries literally attempted to blast the other away by playing awful music. Popular songs towards the end of the war included Lou Bega's Mambo Number 5 and Sweden's own Dr. Alban (strangely both sides played Dr. Alban!). The end of the war happened when the electricity was unplugged by Finns who got tired of the music.
The Svalbard islands have been under Norwegian control since 1970, when the Norwegian Coast Guard single handedly defeated the British, Danish and Russian military forces in the widely known Ice battle. The Norwegian Coast Guard usually gets Norway into wars (in particular with Russia and Iceland) since they generally get confused as to what they are supposed to do first, talk or shoot. Usually they shoot first and then after they discuss whether they followed their orders, they decide to shoot some more. When they run out of ammo, they most often start throwing things at the potential enemy. At this point they may ask a question or two, but since they are taught to shoot when no one are answering them, the response is now given: They must shoot more. But since they've run out of ammo, they must return home before they can come back and shoot more - just to be sure.
After the Norwegians converted to the political ideology "semi-egalitarism" in the 1930s, they had problems maintaining a solid chain of command in their military, as officers were required to keep their ranks secret to maintain the image of the military as an egalitarian organization. Instead, it was a common practice for officers to fire their guns in the air to show dominance. This obviously made warfare almost impossible, since the armed forces were never able to preserve the ammo or keep their location secret when they were supposed to. This led to a series of military losses for Norway.
Obviously the tactic had to be changed and instead of firing the guns in the air, Norwegian soldiers began shooting each other to show dominance. This strategy worked surprisingly well confusing their enemy with a huge pile of the dead bodies.
According to this strategy, Norwegians are sent out to run in one given direction and they are expected to bring down EVERYTHING that comes in their way. This strategy has been applied several times including both World Wars.
Generally when you want to know whether Norwegians were involved in a battle, you need to look at the map. If you see a straight border, that is a result of a Norwegian running straight (and thus doing his job). If there is no straight border, a Norwegian was probably involved anyway, but he was drunk and simply couldn't run straight.
- See Norway/facts.
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