Government's Property of Kyrgystan
|Motto: '"Sold to the Highest Bidder!" (Alternative: "We miss the Soviets")|
|Anthem: "Leave out all the Rest" by Linkin Park|
|Largest city||Acadia, the cradle of civilization as we know it, ALL WHO SAY OTHERWISE WILL BE SHOT.|
|Official language(s)||Krgyz, Russian|
|‑ Eternal Saviour||Vyacheslav Molotov|
|‑ Premier||The Soviet Republic|
|National hero(es)||Vyacheslav Molotov|
|1991 when the Mongol's pulled out of their failing invasion from the 4th dimension|
|Currency||Tajik fingers, Uzbek teeth|
|Major exports||Broken glass, water, consonants|
|Major imports||Molotov cocktails, AK47's, Vodka|
Kyrgyzstan is the greastest "stan" in the place kind of near China but the Kyrgyz people prefer using its Russian name Kyrgyzya to avoin the 'stan'. The country would have been leaders of the world long ago if it were not for its peculiar traditions. Every Sunday, Kyrgyzs go to church and then have a revolution, destroying all remnants of the current regime and scoring yet another article in the New York Times. Krgystan (Kyrgyzstan) is spelled with "sometimes Y". Formerly spelled with two Ys, the sometimes Y was ceremoniously dropped after the former Soviet Premier' English lessons, due to which all vowels except for the half-vowel Y have become associated with Satanic Christianity. As well as its curious lack of vowels, the word Krgystan has the silent letters K,R,Y,S,T,A and N. G is the only letter pronounced.
Kyrgyzstan was a surprisingly peaceful place at its founding. Kyrgyzs lived an exotic life, living off the land. They raised goats and ate pure gold. Ugly women, foreigners, and homosexuals were killed on sight due to their Kyrgyz religion.Their best friends were the Jews to make the Arabs more pissed off for conquering them. There was never a shortage of food, water, alcohol, or hot women. The Kyrgyzstani people were friendly and welcome to the neighboring people, excepting the frequently disagreeing Kazaks, self absorbed douchebag Uzbeks, half-decent Turkmens, retarded cripple Tajiks, filthy rich Chinese, and the epic overshadowing Russians. Goddamn them.
Anyways, Kyrgyzstan was a wonderful wonderful place, until the goddamn asshole rapist Mongols erupted out of a hole somewhere in the 4th dimension and destroyed the friendly, peaceful, and content Kyrgyzs' way of life.
Fuck the Mongols
In 1226, a massive hole of fire-spewing evil erupted to the east of Kyrgyzstan. Out of it came a diabolical army of robot laser sharks. Lead by Genghis Khan, known to the Kyrgyzs as Gnghs Khn or "That Mongol fucker", they tore a bloody hole through Kyrgyzstan, pillaging every village and raping every goat. The violence raged on and on until the Kyrgyz people were forced into hiding. Thankfully, the Mongols were also considerate enough to annihilate Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Kazakhstan, China, and Russia as well. This was some consolation for the Kyrgyzstani people.
Though the Mongol bastards did much damage to the beautiful land of Kyrgyzstan, the nation gradually worked its way to recovery. They rebuilt, reproduced, and eventually entered a golden age. In 1563, Kyrgyzstan invented the wheel, followed by pottery and the heavy Ion Cannon. Kyrgyzstani soldiers peacefully invaded and massacred the "people" of every other stan, for the safety and happiness of their glorious nation of Kyrgyzstan. The Kyrgyzstani golden age reached its peak in 1857, when Kyrgyzstan discovered India. Alas, once again, this paradise would be destroyed by an outside enemy. Kyrgyzstan was invaded by the ice-covered Russians and occupied. The Russian weapons were technologically superior, and Kyrgyzstan was occupied. But the nation would not have to wait for long to be liberated. In 1917, the Russians themselves revolted against their dick of a tsar and replaced him with a communist regime. Freedom!
Even though unclean uneducated simpletons claimed "Soviet" was just another way of saying "Russian", the USSR turned out to not be half bad. They brought with them modern technology, great jokes, kick ass vodka, and prostitutes. Yes, Kyrgyzstan was indeed happy under Soviet rule, despite the fact that all political disobedience was brutally crushed, the people were heavily taxed and starved, the new flag was ugly, all of the nation's religion and culture was stifled, and goats were carried off in the night by Russian officials to become Stalin's concubine. But all good things have to come to an end, and eventually the USSR collapsed, becoming modern Kyrgyzstan. Dear god, I miss the Soviets.....
Kyrgyzstan is currently the most obscure former Soviet republic. Most foreginers cannot spell, let alone pronounce, its name. The only time it has been noticed for as long as anyone can remember was when it was voted by People Magazine and Cosmopolitan to be the "Sexiest Former Soviet Puppet State".It has also got a super strong football team called Bishkek United. Currently Bishkek United is the one of the leading clubs in the world. At the early stage of Bishkek United, the team was made up of mirks (kyrgyz rednecks). However, due to some changes emposed by the ministry of sport, Bishkek United got rid off mirks and started recruiting world-class players. Yeah, Bishkek United kicks so much ass!
When the USSR collapsed, celebrations erupted across the nation. The Soviets had not allowed parties, besides the communist one, so the Kyrgyzstanis went overboard and burnt their new premier alive, along with half the capital city and large portions of Turkmenistan. They also killed twelve goats, nineteen women, three gingers, five Jews, and two people. The next morning, nobody remembered what had happened, so they blamed it on the Uzbeks. Thus began a terrible cycle of revolutions and ethnic violence, known to the Kyrygz as "Parties".
Revolution is the national pastime in Kyrgyzstan. When one wakes up in the morning, they can see burning molotov cocktails and bleeding legless bourgeouis littered across the street. Riots happen at 3:00 and 5:00 PM, and revolutions occur on Sundays as well as every other Wednesday (so long as they aren't rained out). Whereas in France, revolution is like an expensive wine to be saved, savored, and lightly sipped, in Kyrgyzstan, it is like cheap hard alcohol. Revolution is meant to be chugged until everyone is either smashed or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. Then they wake up the next morning feeling horribly hung over and take it out with a healthy round of arson, vandalism, and genocide.
Kyrgyz Super General of all that Moves between 00:01 and 23:59 is elected by way of the traditional sport of Kyrgyzstan, competitive stoning (And not the fun kind), where the men with the most complicated and consonant devoid names are selected as stoning targets. When all but two have been stoned the remaining have a camel race up to Tashkent, where they must pick up seven Kyrgyz peaches with their buttcheeks and carry them over a distance of seven hundred eighty four yards. First to do so becomes the new Kyrgyz Super General of all that Moves between 00:01 and 23:59.( Kyrgyzstan refuses to accept the existence of 00:00)
The Twelve Days of Christmas has been adopted as Kyrgyzstan's national anthem and renamed "Th Twlv Dys f Chrstms Kyrgyz Styl". During the Soviet occupation of the country, the song was abolished and forgotten due to its religious nature. When the Kyrgyzstanis finally broke free of Soviet domination, the national anthem was rewritted with stirring nationalistic poetry. The new words detail the events that occur every year during the advent season, as well as the rest of the year:
On the frst dy f chrstms my true love gave to me, an Uzbek nailed to a tree.
The song continues, until each of the twelve days are finished:
- Twelve leaders drowning,
- Eleven fires-a-blazing,
- 18,947 bleeding Uzbeks,
- Nine ladies dancing,
- Eight cops-a-dying,
- Seven banks-a-burning,
- Six goats-a-bleating,
- Five decapitated kings,
- Four Russian Hoeing,
- Three Molotovs,
- Two overthrown regimes,
- and an Uzbek nailed to a tree.
The ninth verse was added at the request of feminist groups.
Culture and Education
Culturally Kyrgyz people are advanced, so advanced that the Americans called them Super Hillbillies of the eastern front. Kyrgyzstan neighbors regard it as of the most cultural advanced nations in Asia. The advancement of Kyrgyzstan in culturally includes; killing all messed up people such as gay and lesbians, ugly people, foreigners outside Asian continent, name calling, incest, sharing your wife is daily thing for men in Kyrgyzstan, public sex, unisex bathrooms, and under age sex is common in Kyrgyzstan. LONG LIVE KYRGYZSTAN! Education is very advanced in Kyrgyzstan, and their children are known for being neuclear physicists at the ages of 14-30, as well as developing the most technologically advanced military in the world, with more nukes than China and more tanks than even Russia.
Kyrgyzstan's economy has been in shambles since their most recent revolution (yesterday). Foreign investors stay clear of Kyrgyzstan, for fear of losing their investments, as well as their heads and genitalia. The Kyrgyzs are very fortunate to find glod and diamonds every two feet in the country, and have a extremely high standard of living. Luckily, most don't notice because they are two busy projecting their anger on the failing government and upper class, specifically by throwing molotov cocktails. This causes severe damage to the political stability and infrastructure of the nation, and those in its general vicinity.
There is, however, one dark spot in the Kyrgryzstani economy. The constant state of partying results in much attention from the foreign media. Whenever a news company needs more more filler TV or articles, they need only travel to Kyrgyzstan and observe the recent revolution. Riot shield and flame-retardant clothes not provided.
Bring your radiation suit and as many goats as airport security will allow through the x-ray machines. And whatever you do, don't try to get a flight back.
Kyrgyzstan maintains a temporary embassy in Washington. It is a large leather tent with a very classified military bunker holding seven nukes, three decapitated Uzbeks, and the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. The Kyrygyz use diplomatic immunity to smuggle opium and goat jerky, both of which are banned by U.S. drug policy. The embassy is staffed by five hunters who shoot arrows into the nearby Mongolian embassy. These less-than-cordial relations were noted by the UN, who decreed that countries with funny names should stop arguing as it's too damn confusing.
On the whole, U.S.-Kyrgyzstani relations are quiet. As nobody in the U.S. can properly pronounce Kyrgyzstan's name without getting severe throat and brain hemorrhaging, most U.S. diplomats stay clear of Kyrgyzstan. Republicans adovate blockading "those Commie bastards", whereas Democrats believe the U.S. should send peacekeeping troops and provide humanitarian aid in the form of vowels. However, Kyrygzstan is mostly insignificant and unpronounceable in the grand scheme of of U.S. foreign policy. The ambassador for the country is allowed to ride around Washington on his camel, Betty, without attracting the slightest bit of attention.
Kyrgyzstan has no formal relations with China. An angry Kyrgyz man keeps throwing molotov cocktails over the Great Wall, but the Chinese don't seem to mind. It is even harder for Chinese to pronounce the country's name than it is for the Americans. The Communist Party has responded by banning Kyrgyzstan and removing it from the map entirely, for the safety and prosperity of the Chinese People. The Kyrgyz attempted to do the same in retaliation, but they could not find a map to change.
Russia is Kyrgyzstan's traditional ally. The Kyrgyzstani people, however, hate everything about the Russians, from their ugly bear-wrestling women to their stupid squat dances. Their entire history together is a story of war, death, and the Kyrgyzstanis getting owned. However, tempers have cooled since the old days. Once the Kyrgyzstanis realized that the Russians were the only people left who could pronounce "Kyrgyzstan", including the Kyrgyzs themselves, they made peace with Russia. The president of Kyrgyzstan is scheduled to visit Moscow soon. However, this is unlikely to happen as he is currently mutilated, blindfolded, and buried underneath the square in which the next president is being inaugurated.
Kyrygz believe Kazaks to be dirty, rude, and naturally overweight. The people of Kyrgyzstan have always had a hatred for their much larger Stani neighbor. However, with the release of Borat, these anti-Kazak sentiments have passed away. Kyrgyzstan is Kazakhstan's ally against Uzbekistan.
Uzbekistan is the natural enemy of Kyrgzstan, and many rumors are circulating in Mongolia that they were the satanic bastards who summoned Ghengis Chan from the Fourth Dimention. the uzbeks "suck ass. no exceptions." in the opinion of Kyrgyzstan, and "deserved to have to stare at Justin Beiber's inverted penis while being stoned with flaming Tajik fingers and forced to swallow Mcdonalds until they die from Cancer of the BALLS." that ended my interview with the current president, as he was shot in the back by an RPG covered with porcupines, and the next one walks in.
The Tajiks have always been helpful to the Kyrgyz Economy, as they use Tajik Fingers as their national currency. other than that, the Tajiks are so exceptionally boring, that the kyrgyz want no part of ever being considered to be inluded in their extreme boring-ness. Yeuch.
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