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The Happiest Weasel!
Scientific classification
Kingdom Animalia
Phylum Slinky
Class Thief
Order Tube sock
Family Lagomorph
Genus Musktelid
Species putridius
Binomial name
Musktelid putridius
Primary armament 1d+3,war dancing (coarse sharpening stone)
Secondary armament 1d1+4 Dook(may cause madness)
Power supply 3.2L 295 hp(222 KW for communists) H6- the Porche Boxter Sedan Trim engine
Health 3
Mana 2
Strength .6
Intelligence 5
Weight 2.2 Lb.
Length (1'5)-(3) Ft
Special attack War Dance, Huffing, teleportation, Realigning the space-time continuum
Conservation status
Light Truck/ Medium Rare
It is crimethink to find this hidden image in cs_italy.

Ferrets, also known as long-kittens, are small mammals closely related to minks and weasels, but not bellydancers. Dehabitation destroyed what should be their natural habitat long ago , so they are now most often found in movie theatres and condominiums. They are a member of the Slinky family.

Ferrets are by nature world conquerors, and routinely devise doomsday devices capable of eradicating all life on Earth. However, they never manage to build these devices to a point of functionality, due to distraction by shiny and crinkly sounding components.One of the most well know ferrets is Brian Gibbons.

Little known facts about Ferrets[edit]

Ferret's hate tall building's.
  • Ferrets regularly defy the laws of physics by being solid, liquid, and completey insanely cute all at the same time.
  • The mob is run by ferrets.
  • Ferrets own the high fructose corn syrup industry (ferret crap)
  • If you catch people referring to something being "Ferret-Size", you can safely presume that whatever object they are referring to is the perfect size at the given time.
  • In some Eastern countries, it is common to vigorously rub the luxurious furry underbelly of a ferret for luck. This has resulted in the creation of many "Stop the Sexual Abuse of Ferrets!!" organizations where many famous people have been known to speak out against this vile and sickening practice. No ferrets have ever complained.
  • There has been rumours that Mariah Carey has donated 5 fully functioning merkins to various ferret support groups from her own private collection (which had previously been turned down by the Salvation Army who threatened to sing if they were not taken back immediately).
  • Ferrets cannot be found unless they wish to be.
  • Ferrets are as mad as a bag of badgers.
  • Ferrets are in fact sometimes made of equal parts Silly Putty and chaos.
  • Ferrets are in the same family as a stoat, read also Stoat Box
  • Ferrets are the cause of global warming, but this has been covered up by the Bush Administration
  • Ferrets are Professors of Maths. First there was one, then just another one won't make a difference, then a few more for company, next world domination!
  • Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Cornflakes may contain traces of ferrets.
  • A group of ferrets is called a Business - generally a thieving business.
  • Ferrets were first kept as pets in Japan, which lead to the creation of the ninja, when owners attempted to emulate their furry companions.
  • The verb "ferret" refers to when something is moved for the sheer joy of annoying someone else. This term came about to describe ferrets stealing various household objects from shoes to bowls to the occasional swiffer duster.
  • Ferrets one day evolved from what we now know as "Trailer Trash" around the year 2005.
  • Ferrets dance a lot when music is on.
  • Ferrets collect socks to help build their evil machines.
  • Although theorized by scientists, little or no proof has been found of a mythological ferret habitation colloquially known as "Ferretopia".
  • Ferrets caused 9/11.
  • Ferrets have x-ray vision but rely on hippies to feed them
  • Ferrets can teleport from one from to another
  • The natural prey of Ferrets are Lolcats
  • Ferrets prefer to eat Lolcats in the form of soft tacos. They donate extra Lolcat meat to Taco Bell.
  • napoleon Bonaparte was secretly a ferret
  • Napoleon Bonaparte wishes he was a ferret, only because they are several feet taller than him.

Known Attacks Involving Ferrets[edit]

  • The take over of the Island of Mandango.
  • Have you seen that movie where the blue people who are like, 5 metres tall get attacked by the midgets in their robo suits, it was just like that but replace "blue people" with ferrets and "robo" with guinea pigs who have been smoking some weird sh!t lately. Know what I Mean?
  • Ferrets took over El Salvador in 2002 and have been ruling ever since.

The Happy Dance[edit]

The Happy Dance is when the common house ferret goes bat fuck insane. They usually do this when they need tacos. They need tacos or they will explode. That happens to them sometimes.

File:Dancing Ferret

Use By Nihilists[edit]

Unlike myths state, Nihilists do not in fact use marmots. They use ferrets as their main armaments. That guy was wrong. What the fuck is a marmot anyway?

Ferret qualities[edit]

The smell of a ferret is somewhere between that of a felled oak tree and two day old squirrel sushi. That being said, ferrets smell much better than cats, which we all know are the enemy of all that is holy anyway. Christ, cats stink. Anyway, ferrets possess many upstanding qualities, such as suicidal curiosity, the ability to sleep through the second coming of Republican Jesus, and the ability to fit into a space slightly larger than three quarks wide. Ferrets also have an adorable face that is approximately as cute as Pokemon dolls, pound puppies, and three year old girls in pigtails and summer dresses all rolled into one. Ferrets exhibit a natural disposition for elasticity. The source of this insatiable bounciness has to this day not been determined; all scientific evidence gathered thus far by varying international research communities has proved inconclusive and subsequently missing, along with all implicated personnel's socks.

Washing a ferret[edit]

Do not attempt to wash a ferret. Ferrets take great pleasure in doing the exact opposite of what you want them to do. Therefore, washing a ferret only increases the smell, just to spite you. Also, as nature's natural scientist, they will immediately run to the dirtiest part of the house to evenly distribute cleanliness and dirt. The ferret will also be, in the ferret and everyone else's mind, completely justified in biting the hell out your hand. After all, if you tried to drown Uncyclopedia (the content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit) it would also bite the hell out of your hand. Or maybe just sic Steve Ballmer on your ass. Either way, you'll be sorry!