Jelly Babies
Jelly Babies hail from the frozen wastes of Western Australia, and are closely related to Bigfoot and gummy bears. Often considered a byproduct of industrial waste, they are in fact a type of bacteria that has evolved to live in Western Australia by gaining the ability to change their pigmentation to the colours of the rainbow and more.
Jelly Babies can live for up to 14 years, and are ready to leave their parents and forage for themselves at 13. In this one year they call their own, the average Jelly Baby will find a burger joint and start eating. Unfortunately, because the period of time Jelly Babies are independent from their parents is less than the time needed to reproduce, Jelly Babies are expected to be extinct by 2014. Jelly Babies are not the slow-moving, dull creatures you would assume them to be. When fully grown, they are smarter than John Kerry and faster than a giraffe.
Meaning of colours[edit]
Jelly Babies come in many different colours, with huge differences in personality. Red Jelly Babies (everyone knows they taste the best) are usually outgoing and friendly. They can usually be found at the heads of biker gangs, mascots of sport teams and can always be trusted to help out fellow members of the Jelly Family with science homework. Green and orange Jelly Babies are introverts, preferring to visit Star Wars conventions and hang at Internet Cafes and Art Galleries. Black Jelly Babies usually die before the age of 10 due to racial discrimination.
The Jelly Man of Perth[edit]
Also known by his real name, Spartacus, this member of the Jelly Baby family wreaked havoc on one of Western Australia's major cities. In just one day he managed to call a regional apocalypse and bring about the death of entire kingdoms. Along with a group of disgruntled teenagers, he filled the water system of Western Australia with jelly, which gave residents such a fright when it game out of the drinking tap that they either died of shock or decided to run like hell and eventually die of exhaustion. He then attacked several major bridges, and destroyed the Sydney Oprah house with long-range eye beams.
In politics and space[edit]
Most Jelly Babies do not make it into the harsh world of politics, but those that do are extremely successful and influential. Perhaps the most high-profile Jelly Baby in politics is James Blunt.
To be an astronaut is one of the highest honours for a Jelly Baby, and those who make it are worshipped like Gods. The frail body of a Jelly Baby cannot last long in the zero-gravity environment of space, and will eventually drift apart, if proper safety measures such as wearing a seat belt, putting on a helmet, wearing reflective brake lights, drawing childish images on the visors of others' helmets, taming wild badgers or throwing five-cent coins off skyscrapers are not used.
Enemies[edit]
Although Jelly Babies have no natural predators, genetically modified creatures such as koalas, Chuck Norris, The Doctor, Mr. T and John Howard enjoy to nibble at these delicious treats. Upon eating a Jelly Baby that was supposedly a friend of Chuck Norris, Oscar Wilde broke the awkward silence with the phrase "Well, you sure do know how to make delicious friends." The resulting fight destroyed all knowledge of the Muppets, a technologically advanced race that lived thousands of years before humans existed.
What to do if you see one[edit]
- Give the damn thing some respect.
- Offer it your condolences - it would suck to be made of jelly.
- Poke it with a stick and see if it cries.
- Call its mother derogatory names.
- Threaten it with things that are able to reduce it to a gooey ball, such as your kitchen microwave.
- Convince it to vote Republican.
- Swap Oscar Wilde quotes with it.
- Play fetch.
- Ask if it's ever experienced deja vu.
- See how long you can stretch it.
- Kick its head and see if it falls over.
- Ask if it's ever experienced deja vu.
- Kick its dog and see if it falls over.
- Kick its dog's head and see if it comes off.
- Swap witty jokes with it.
- Leave it on a planet.
- Play I Spy.
- Paint emo hair on it with a vivid.
- Scare it with koalas.
- Threaten to eat it.
- Attach it to a passing blimp.
- Force it to watch Billy Connolly shows.
- Show that son of a bitch who's boss.