The Second Coming Project
“What do I care? I'm Jewish!”
“Sick.”
“Hey! When Confucius turn?”
“Wait... Aren't I your God?”
The Second Coming Project[edit]
For two-thousand years now, followers of Jesus Christ have patiently awaited the fabled 'Second Coming.' However, one elite group has stopped just waiting around, and taken the course of history into their own hands.
Formation and Early Years[edit]
In 1964, a Harvard Scientist named Jason Britman, after a careful reading of the New Testament, reached the conclusion that the Lord helps they who help themselves. He decided that Jesus' second coming would not come to pass without a human catalyst of some sort. He spent the next seven years writing his book on the subject, "Jesus Reborn," in which he chronicled efforts of mankind that led to Jesus' birth, and admonishing that the second coming could never occur until the righteous faithful made it occur. He advocated the use of the new technology of cloning, which he called 'God's gift to mankind that he may be reborn, just as God gave mankind sex to promote his lineage in the first place.' The book met with scathing reviews in the Christian community, and Britman was denounced as a heretic. Even so, he developed quite a following, and in 1973, The Second Coming Project was formed. Top Britmanist scientists extracted what they were 'just positive' was Christ's DNA from the Shroud of Turin, and the long process began. For years they struggled, but the closest they ever got was a guy named James Critio, who, while a skilled carpenter, was lacking in the soul-saving department. The initial Second Coming Project was disbanded in 1986 after Britman's death from a Tomahawk wound.
First Reinventions[edit]
Flash forward four more years. While Britman's original dream had fizzled, his ideology lived on, and the Second Second Coming Project was formed. The 'NeoBritmanists,' as they were called, decided that cloning was too insecure a science, and relied instead on the magic of robotics. The Second Second Coming Project led to the activation of Robot Jesus, but the NeoBritmanists rejected him when he proved only interested in saving the souls of other robots. The Third Second Coming Project, in 1992, tried to integrate the technologies of the previous two attempts and created Cyborg Jesus, but his radical teachings of 'Convert or Be Assimilated' never really caught on. After only three months, Cyborg Jesus accidentally crucified himself by his own robotic framework. According to his own prophesies, he is due for resurrection sometime in 2024.
Later Reinventions[edit]
Four more Second Coming Projects were started throughout the 90's:
The Fourth Second Coming Project (1993): Lizard Jesus
The Fifth Second Coming Project (1995): Marshmallow Jesus
The Sixth Second Coming Project (1997): 007 Jesus
The Seventh Second Coming Project (1999): Computer Program Jesus
The last four Jesii decided they should collaborate their teachings, and currently operate their joint 'NeoneoneoneoBritmanist through NeoneoneoneoneoneoneoBritmanist' religion out of an office in Los Angeles. In 2001, the Eighth Second Coming Project decided to take a different route, and began to work on bringing about the second coming of Mohammed. They did this by praying really hard that Mohammed would come back. Apparently, Allah really heard them, because the prophet himself stood among them within twelve seconds, making this to date the shortest Second Coming Project ever. Mohammed dwelt with us for only a few days, however, returning again to heaven after leaving us with a commandment to form the Ninth Second Coming Project, the result of which was Robot Buddha.
Non-official Spinoffs[edit]
In 1973, a group calling themselves the 'Second Coming through Necromancy Project' tried to use their Satanic powers to create Zombie Jesus. Satan was not amused. Because of their Satanic affiliations and lack of ties to Britman, they are not considered part of the official Second Coming Project.
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus. | |
| Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself; the one who started it all! | Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus |
| Jebus: Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother | Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus |
| Evil Jesus: Drunken saviour, friend of whores and thieves. | Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware |
| Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes! | Your own: Personal Jesus |
| Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere! | ¿Qué?: Jesús |
| Ultra Jesus: All Jesii wrapped into one | Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus |
| The moral superiority of being religious, without the calories: Jesus Lites™ | Back with a vengeance! Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish: Enough said. | Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus |
| Disco Jesus: Knows how to love you | What would Jesus smoke? Sweet smoking Jesus |
| Jesus of Nazareth: Singer and Songwriter | Salvation by Trickle-Down: Supply-side Jesus |
| Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: Just like daddy | Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification: Messiah |
| For your tiny sins: MicroJesus | Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus |
| Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone | He's blonde, cultish, and believes in racial purity. No, he's not a Nazi, he's Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints |
| Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV | An alpha prototype Christ: Jesus 1.5a |
| Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find | The one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something: Jesus LaBrie |
| MC Jesus: The Jewish Rap Sensation |
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES! | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |
| Pity them, and feed them table scraps. If you are still confused about which one you want... then you're fucking retarded, bitch! | |
| Bad Jesii | |
|---|---|
| All Jesii wrapped into no-one: Atheist Jesus | Sabbath Night Fever: The Bee-Jesus |
| Piss Christ: Ewww! | You crack my back, I'll crack yours: Chiropractor Jesus |
| Evil Jesus: Careful of this Jesus | "Promoting God's chain of Churches": McJesus |
| Prehistoric Jesus: The find of the century | Djesus: French Jesus |
| The real reason Christ was crucified: Jesus of Jerusalem | And for anyone we've missed out on: Society of Jesus |