Anne Ramsey

Ramsey at the 1988 Academy Awards

“This is what it sounds like... when doves cry.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the singing of The Ramsey

“She's got a lovely bunch of coconuts.”

~ Jim Newton on the physique of The Ramsey

“She crashed her own new bus.”

~ Ed Sullivan on crack

Anne Ramsey (March 27, 1929 – August 11, 1988), also known simply as "The Ramsey", was an American stage, television, and film actress. She is probably most famous as the illegitimate offspring of Tori Amos and her piano, Bosendorfer. The exact date and time of birth are unknown, but leading Ramsey experts claim that she was born sometime between The Big Bang and the End of Time. Other equally credible experts claim Ramsey was never born at all and that she was just a figment of Tori's imagination's imagination (See: recursive decent parser).

Early childhood

"The Ramsey"'s early childhood was punctuated with devil worshiping and cannibalism. The latter was the cause of her beautifully cleft tongue; the former was the cause of her demonic inhabited hump. At an early age, "The Ramsey" showed she was capable of vomiting pea soup while singing The Star Spangled Banner and still performing better than Danny DeVito in the role of a man. This ability landed her many Hollywood roles, more than Danny DeVito at least.

Known powers

Not much is known about her known powers, except that they are largely unknown by those who know... you know?

• Confustication - with a mere flick of her sporked tongue, Ramsey can inflict paralysis of the thought centers, turning even the mightiest intellect into George W. Bush.
• Obliviatum Incantatum - or the "Song of Oblivion" is said to sound like the end of the Universe, only not so quiet.
• "The Hump" - the hump has the ability to deflect projectiles (even bullets) while acting as a water reservoir, in case of drought. Ramsey is notoriously known for her insatiable thirst for water and being target practice for her delinquent daughters, Tori Amos and Nancy Grace.

The religion

Ramseyism is the belief that "The Ramsey" will bring the end of the universe. Believers must cleave their tongues using rusty sporks, so they may more closely resemble "The Ramsey". Some have claimed to have grown humps, but researchers believe this is simply the cause of drinking water from New Jersey, and not divine intervention.

Drama and theatre

"The Ramsey" has starred in many world renowned and much acclaimed movies, none of which are of note. Nonetheless, we have compiled a list of her known roles. NOTE: "The Ramsey" was sometimes known to change shape to accommodate her role. At times she has been seen to appear to be Danny DeVito, and other times as Arnold Swartzinigger, aka Mr. Bean. She has even been known to play every character in Hamlet concurrently.

Television roles

• "Hugh Steverson" in The Ramsey Files - this long running series is noted for it's bloody humor and satyrical violence. Based loosely on Tuesdays with Ramsey, "Hugh", portrayed most eloquently by Ramsey, is on the never ending search for the hump of the covenant. The hump is said to hold all of "The Ramsey"s mojo power. It can be seen every other Gruesday in the month of Smarch.

Movie roles

• "Mom" in Throw Danny from the Train - a story about Ramsey and the attempt to kill Danny DeVito for his life insurance policy.
• "Mom" in The Goonies - a story of the Ramsey and her attempt to raise three rambunctious boys. Hilarity ensues when some locals try to steal her pirate ship.
• "Mom" in Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot - co-starring That Guy, Ramsey becomes the hero of small-town America when she creates a wonder tonic capable of increasing the velocity of your spit to stop criminals.
• "Go Girl" in El Frenetico and Go Girl - "The Ramsey" plays a kung-fu fighting raver-girl who, with her partner's assistance (played by Danny DeVito in drag), destroys an evil candy-maker's plans to rule the world through tooth decay.
• "Ramsey"(et al) in The Passion of the Ramsey - "The Ramsey" plays herself (and everyone else) in the epic, award winning story of how she destroyed the continent of Washington D.C. through the powers of her mighty hump. Reports of anal probing during the showing of this movie are false, except in France, but was only available for gold class patrons.