Atheist Hell

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This is what Heaven actually looks like. It is full of nuns patrolling for people with morals that seem priestly.

Atheist Hell is a miserable, swirling torrent of pain, misery, and quarterly estimated taxes.

No; that is Regular Hell. Atheist Hell is a pleasant place full of fun, smart people, Mimosas with breakfast, never a cover charge, and not listening to old white people preach about talking plants.

Atheists, who do not believe in creation on the whim of a bearded man, a lifetime of temptation by God and Satan, nor the fear of eternal damnation, find nothing more heavenly than spending eternity in Atheist Hell.

Comparison to Heaven[edit]

Christian people picture Heaven as an idyllic place, full of wonder and goodness. However it is, in fact, a horrible, twisted place, not unlike its closest Earthly imitation: the inside of a Catholic High School. Regular Heaven is cold, dank, and drippy, and the Nuns have grown to fifty feet tall and have graduated from rulers to steel yardsticks so firm that the first "rap on the knuckles" renders the new arrival a paraplegic.

Of course, since it is Heaven, anyone who dies is respawned after waiting an obligatory ten seconds, just like in that Hello: Combat Involved. The Nuns are controlled by Super-Nuns whom they address as "Mother"; who are in turn controlled by someone they call "The Holy Father,"; and he answers only to "God," though his real calling seems to be acolytes with firm buttocks.

Atheists, who are often told they are "going to Hell," do, in fact, always go to Hell. But they go to Atheist Hell, unlike their religious counterparts. In Atheist Hell, one finds pleasure, joy, happiness, and anything you ever really wanted but God refused to give you.[1]

Atheist Heaven[edit]

There is no Atheist Heaven. Atheists don't need one. In fact, atheists got rid of their Heaven years ago, as leasing two buildings was costing them a ridiculous amount of money.[2][3] So they just joined Atheist Hell and put everyone in the same place. The two buildings had the same stuff in them anyway, just a bunch of holograms and robots like in Scooby Doo. The move enabled atheists to eliminate redundant jobs, saving enough money to rightsize the business.

Other Atheist Hells[edit]

Technically speaking, most of the central United States, from Chicago westward to about Albuquerque, is an Atheist Hell. The atheist who finds himself in this Hell, sipping a beer on the front porch, will be visited by a steady stream of neighbors inviting him to services, prayer breakfasts, communion, and crap like that. They all offer to pray that God will make that unsightly growth on your upper lip go away.

Unlike the Christian Hell, Atheist Hell often "freezes over."


  1. This is one of the reasons you became an atheist anyway. No matter how many times you prayed for your parents, grandparents, foster parents, and friends, they were all murdered by an axe-wielding stalker from Seattle.
  2. Seriously. Have you ever tried leasing two entire buildings in Minneapolis?
  3. It's really expensive

See also[edit]