Bruno Mars

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Bruno Mars during the filming of an infomercial for toilet paper.

“Hee-hee, someone stole my moves, sucka!”

“Mmm,that afro of his....would go perfect with a Béarnais sauce.”

~ Armin Meiwes on Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars (born Bruno Sammartino) is a Grammy winning singer, songwriter and vaudeville performer. He still believes that it is the 1950s as proven by his dress sense and old-timey catchphrases. He has been noted to say "Hey dollface, show us those gams!" and "I saw you crazy cats with that Calico Queen!". Practically anyone under 65 would struggle to understand him. He is known for his heart-swooning songs and his tween-girl-exclusive fan base. He lists only Chris Eubank and Cameo as his singing influences. He has collaborated with many artists including Barry White, Ke$ha, Édith Piaf and Kitty Wells. Rumour has it that his afro has "sexual powers", but this is highly controversial and open to much debate.

Early life[edit]

Bruno was born Bruno Jupiter Sammartino on October 31, 1932 in Honolulu,Hawaii. His parents Richard Pryor and Björk were both born in Reykjavík, Iceland. He is the brother of Marlon, Tito, Jackie and Jermaine Jackson.

From the ripe-old age of 6 months, his father encouraged him to start his own Elvis tribute act. He would gurgle along to such hits as "Blue Suede Shoes" and "Hound Dog", only stopping occasionally for nappy changes or to be burped. His act was a big hit in all the sticky bars of back-street Honolulu. So much so, that all the bars offered him 20% off all their Long Island Ice Teas after 11pm.

At the age of 2 he decided to shorten his name to Bruno Jupiter. After a while, Jupiter became his least favorite planet due to it having the strongest pull of gravity in the solar system. So he changed his name to Bruno Mars. Mars being relatively the same land mass as Earth, therefore more endearing to his (then) demographic of 2 year olds.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bruno Mars.

At school he was the quiet kid that would shuffle around, unnoticed. It was not until he joined a school band known as "The Sneezingtons" (and also sister-band "threadwormettes") that he started to get noticed. He got expelled on many occassions for too much moonwalking, infringing the trademark of Michael Jackson which his teachers took offense to.

He left Hawaii for LA when he was 16 without telling a soul. When he arrived in Inglewood he spent his days busking and fortune telling. He was known at this time as 'Mystic Mars' by his clientelle. "Listen to your fortune by song" was his sales-pitch. His sang "(I Just) Died in Your Arms" by Cutting Crew the most often. He claimed that the hardest thing to adjust to in LA was the food. He had previously lived entirely on a Spam and pineapple diet.(Even people in Hawaii thought that it was weird.)


Bruno Mars got his first big break when he did an impromptu performance of "On the Good Ship Lollipop" for Berry Gordy of Motown records. Because of his gusto and 'swag' he was signed. After about a week of no song writing and excessive use of the company photocopier, his contract was torn up. He then returned to what he knows best; performing as an Elvis tribute act and drowning his sorrow in Long Island Iced Teas.

Bruno, not one to accept defeat, performed endlessly to anyone that would listen to him sing. His first hit single 'Grenade' was made during this difficult time as a result of a real life event. While performing non-stop outside a Californian military base, a soldier just had enough with his constant whiney pitch. The soldier threw a grenade directly at Bruno's kisser. It landed in his hands, failed to explode and thus Bruno had his 'eureka' moment.

Bruno's performances is peppered with a lot of crotch thrusting which has attracted the attention of many protestors, particularly the Westboro Baptist Church. They hold signs which say "Thrust your crotch, rot in hell!" and ironically, "Locked Out Of Heaven" outside of his concerts. He travels with a 30-piece orchestra at all times. Many of his girlfriends find this slightly off putting, particularly when getting intimate.

Despite his early rise to fame and smashing success as an entertainer, he is still not a billionaire. Too friggin bad.

The Afro[edit]

Bruno Mars' first grew out his afro during his time singing in the Jackson 5. The afro has attracted great intrigue from the general populus. Scientists have listed it amongst several afrodisiacs which include oysters, chocolate and emu blood. Noone quite knows how the height of the afro is achieved. Many speculate that it has a reinforced steel structure at the base. This is quite credible given that he is often seen tugging pianos by his hair (as he did in the 'Grenade' music video) and letting women climb up his hair to get to his second floor bedroom. His afro always causes problems when moving through customs at the airport. He has been known to smuggle cans of Spam and his Hooters discount card in his 'fro. These are prohibited items in many middle eastern countries. He was detained several times for Spam related offenses and did a 4 year stint in an Iraqi jail.


Currently, Bruno Mars is spending most of his time growing his afro. When he has the time he endeavors to star in Colgate infomercials and work as a wedding singer.