CSI: Luton

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CSI: Luton is the first of the popular series of detective dramas, CSI to be set in the town of Luton, England, UK indeed it is only the second series to be based outside the United States. It was originally intended that this series be based around the better known city of London however, owing to the sheer amount of serious crime that took place in the town Luton was chosen instead. The program deals in a very realistic manor with much of this criminal activity including the vandalisation of street furniture (lamp-posts, pillar-boxes, benches, etc.), playing of ball games in areas where signs command that ball games not be played, teenagers writing their names in wet concrete and perhaps most controversially of all – numerous incidents of bicycle theft by multiple men named Nathan.


It has long been accepted by people in the know that having a plot is a waste of time, if people wanted stories they would read books and as no one has read a book since 1994 there is no point inreally bothering with narrative. The makers of CSI: Luton realised this and so filled the drama with stuff that people really want to watch, like sex, sex, sex, expolsions, violence and LUTON

Why Luton?[edit]

In their press release dated 05 April 2009 the makers of the program gave a number of reasons for their choosing Luton as the location for this program:

1. The historic victory of Luton Town Football Club in the Johnston’s Paint Trophy of 2009 which attracted much interest in the town from all over the world, indeed the universe.

2. The fact that Luton begins with ‘L’ as does Las Vegas, the location the first CSI.

3. The fact that Crime is illegal in Luton, this makes fertile ground for police drama.

4. Luton is famous for hats, people like hats, therefore people like CSI: Luton - simple as!


The show is funded by drug money.

Title Music[edit]

Keeping with the recurring theme of using songs by English band The Who in the opening credits, CSI: Luton will use the song 'Borris the Spider'. It is thought this may be the basis for the introduction of the new Supernintendendo, Agent Borris Wenham, who will make his first appearance in episode 10. Agent Borris is set to be the nemesis of Appelby and Philby as he is their superior and often quashes proposals made by them, such as Comical-Hat-Fridays.


Supernintendo Agent Borris Wenham[edit]

  • Played by: Unknown, 2008-Present
  • First Appearance: Twas The Night Before Christmas 2x14

Borris is the head, the boss, the big cheese of the Luton department of Crime Scene Investigators. He does not get on well with the people below him, who often despise him. He is referenced many times during the first two series and makes his first appearance in the series two christmas special, to liase with the team after internal affairs are brought in to investigate the death of The Grinch in custody.

Chief Detective Sir Clive Appleby[edit]

  • Played by: Trevor Eve, 2007-Present
  • First Appearance: AutoPilot 1x01

The Chief Detective of CSI: Luton. Sir Clive was raised by wolves on the West coast of Ireland and speaks only in Latin. He one was himself arrested for eating a gentleman suspected of deliberately ignoring a ‘Keep of the Grass’ notice.

Dr. Samuel Jenkins M.D.[edit]

  • Played by: Ian Cashmere, 2007-Present
  • First Appearance: AutoPilot 1x01

The teams medical doctor in charge of performing autopsies on dead bodies. Has a belief in conspiracy theories and paranormal phenomena. He loves to eat Ginsters Pasties and Pies and drinks excessivly. He has his own act at a local nightclub where he attempts to perform magic but rarley succeeds. He dropped out of school in the 10th grade and now lives in a council flat with the stuffed body of his dead mother for company.

Detective Ian Rutterford[edit]

  • Played by: Neil Jackson, 2007-Present
  • First Appearance: AutoPilot 1x01

A somewhat cockey detective, Ian is a fan of Countdown and sees himself as a somewhat James Bond figure often offering to undercover or spy on a suspect when the case calls for it. He is an experienced weapons handler and a skilled boxer fighting for the department in battles with their counterparts across the UK.

Detective Jayne Philby[edit]

  • Played by: Someone ,2008-Present
  • First Appearance: On 'Ye Bike

She is perhaps the most balanced detective on the team, she enjoys ham sandwiches and once appeared on hit television show ‘Deal or no Deal’. She has two children who are both weird and she lives in a two-up, two-down house but has filled it with furniture she has built in her spare time.

Detective Michael Richards[edit]

  • Played by: Sean Gallagher, 2008-Present
  • First Appearance: The Good, The Scag & The Ugly 2x04

A detective with a love for prostitutes, Michael often sneeks off to get down and dirty with someone. A man who has many affairs which have resulted in the end of his marriages, he now lives with his younger brother who runs an underwear company. On the surface Michael appears to be a hard man, sometimes coming across as head strong, in reality he has a heart of gold often protecting members of the team, risking his life jumping onto the roof of moving buses and giving people advice. He however does not like to let on that he has a sensitive side as he thinks it will destroy the relationship he has built with his collegues.

Detective Phil Mason[edit]

  • Played by: Jason Flemyng, 2009-Present
  • First Appearance: City Of Violent Fights 3x01

A living, breathing action man. Phil is a detective who makes his own rules and someone who does not tollerate fools/idiots. Former SAS material, he once climbed halfway up K2 before getting bored and running all the way back down again. He takes pride in his hobbies which include, surfing, wind surfing, stock car racing, rock climbing, motorbikes, skiing, paragliding, flying planes and strangly flower arranging. Often seen beating a suspect and disobeying orders Phil relies on his gut more than his head to do his police work, yet his physical abilities have made it easy for him to get out of tight situations including: jumping from a moving train ringed with a bomb, hanging on the underside of a 4x4, being dropped three stories from a building, chasing suspects across rooftops and piloting a helecopter through a hanger full of people. He favourite movie has been revealed to be "Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels".

PC Connor Ashdown[edit]

  • Played by: Unknown, 2008-Present
  • First Appearance: Bin There, Done That 2x11

A baby-faced PC fresh out training, Connor is a geek who loves anything Science Fiction and anything regarding nature and technology. He is quite unsure of himself, often questioning his usefulness to the team and whether or not he is doing, or has done the right thing - a matter which takes up much of the screen time. Despite being a PC he is not that much of an health freak, choosing to play computer games or chess rather than doing exercise which causes sports freak Detective Rutterford to take the mick out of him.

PC Augustine Cakesby[edit]

  • Played by: Victoria Hamilton, 2009-Present
  • First Appearance: 24 adDresses 3x08

An older PC who is nearing retirement, but decided to transfer to Luton for a quiter life. Instead she found it was not the urban retreat she hoped, although the many shops have allowed her to continur her main hobby, which includes collecting hats and small African children.

Lieutenant Daniel Lumpknee[edit]

  • Played by: Your ugly motha, 1934-Present
  • First Appearance: Men don't wear fishnets 5x00

A young eager-beaver Army Lieutenant of questionable sexuality and musical taste. Usually seen with a pair of small white earphones in his ears, and a big black penis in his mouth. Dan was raised an only child by his locksmith father, hooker mother and 2 Yorkshire Terriers, in a small 3 bedroom house in quaint suburban surroundings. At the age of 6, both of his parents were tragically killed when an unknown assailant, dressed in a bright red fleece and black track suit bottoms, pummeled them both to death, devoured their flesh, and proceeded to violate the young Daniel in every hole known to man and some not yet discovered. Dan spent the next 15 years of his life in councilling for his bed wetting. Angered by what had happened to his parents, Lt Dan swore vengence and to protect Luton from "The Big Red" as he was nicknamed.

Recurring Characters[edit]

Barry the Skip Famous for only eating the popular prawn based snack ‘Skips’ Barry is both a notorious bicycle thie'f', and manufacturer of counterfeit Sainsbury’s Nectar loyalty cards. Barry manages to outsmart the CSI on a number of occasions, notably when he flees the country disguised as a pillar box.

James the Park. A man named James who lives, as his name might suggest, in a public park. He uses pigeons as criminal foot soldiers to carry out his bidding. He is only convicted when a duck (whom he refused to feed) offers information to the police in exchange for stale bread. James’ brother once appeared in ITV’s Taggart, though James prefers not to speak of this.

Barry the lamp A criminal lamp, with many bright ideas.

John the Tree appeared in episode 7 of series one for 10 secs, John had no dialogue and was payed £500,000 for his role, as he is a tree it is unclear as yet how he will spend this money.


Series 1 - 2007[edit]

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
1 AutoPilot Jerry Bruckheimer 22 June 2007 A plane lands safely at London Luton Airport, but the cabin crew are shocked to discover that there has been no pilot on board for the final 30 minutes of the flight. What happened to him?

First Appearance of Chief Detective Sir Clive Appleby, Dr. Samuel Jenkins M.D and Detective Ian Rutterford

20,000 Million Viewers
2 Loot On! Jerry Bruckheimer 29 June 2007 After loosing to Swansea, Luton Town FC fans start a riot which leads to widespread looting of butter from local supermarkets and several rapes and murders. 34 Million Viewers
3 Junction 11 On The M1 Danny Cannon 6 July 2007 A man disappears who was last seen driving towards Junction 11 on the M1. But where was he going? 8 Million Viewers
4 The Mall - Part One Danny Cannon & Arthur Hailey 13 July 2007 A man holds up Lutons Arndale Mall in an attempt to rob the following stores: Argos, Boots, Debenhams, Tesco Metro, Wilkinsons, Marks and Spencers and Primark after Argos didn't give him a 5-year guarantee on his new plasma TV. 17.6 Million Viewers
5 The Mall - Part Two Danny Cannon & Arthur Hailey 20 July 2007 The man is given a 5-year guarntee for his TV and they throw in a free microwave for good measure. But has he been fobbed off? 3 Million Viewer
6 Two Feet In The Grave David Renwick 27 July 2007 Someone dies in a graveyard. But was it murder? 10 Million Viewers
7 Life's A Ditch Arthur Hailey 3 August 2007 A body is found dead in a ditch at the side of the road. Was the person hit by a Nissan Micra? Frankly; no one cares! 3 Million Viewers
8 Angels & Semens Jerry Bruckheimer 10 August 2007 Several bodies are found with Semen pouring from their ears and a group of primary school students have the key to unlocking the case. Did the victims really hear their killer coming?! 26 Million Viewers
9 Homecoming John Hegley 17 August 2007 A man is gunned down in a busy Luton highstreet on his way home from work. 19 Million Viewers
10 JudgeMental David Renwick 24 August 2007 A typical Luton high court judge goes on a killing spree within the courthouse. 28 Million Viewers
11 She Said She Was Sixteen! Vaughan Savidge 31 August 2007 A 15 year old girl accuses an 18 year old boy for eating her out.....taking her out for a meal when she was just 15 and then taking her back to his place. But is she telling the truth? 6 Million Male Viewers
12 The Hat Factory - Part One Jerry Bruckheimer 7 September 2007 One of Luton's old hat factories is robbed. That says it all really! 88 Million Viewers
13 The Hat Factory - Part Two Jerry Bruckheimer 14 September 2007 Part two of the above. Ends on a shocking cliffhanger - apprently?! 16 Million Viewers

Series 2 - 2008[edit]

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
14 On 'Ye Bike Jerry Bruckheimer 20 June 2008 A controversial case of theft involving a bicycle divides the teams loyalties.

First Appearance of Detective Jayne Philby

10 Million Viewers
15 The Man With The Golden Son Danny Connon & Arthur Hailey 27 June 2008 The owner of a chinese takeaway is shocked to discover that both his shop and his son have been sprayed with gold paint...and his son is dead. The team then set out to track down a David Jason look-a-like who is accused of the crime. 1 Million Viewers
16 Beauty & The Deceased David Renwick 4 July 2008 A beauty model finds her boyfriend dead in a hotel room while she is taking part in a Luton Beauty Pagent. 14 Million Viewers
17 The Good, The Scag & The Ugly Arthur Hailey 11 July 2008 The team try to catch a drug dealer...but fail. 60 minutes of your life wasted.

First Appearance of Detective Michael Richards

6 Million Viewers
18 Ten Things I Slate About You Danny Cannon & David Renwick 18 July 2008 The team are called to one of Luton's failing comprehensives where one girl has accused another of slating her boyfriend and her family. 12 Million Viewer
19 Only Bi The Night - Part One John Hegley 25 July 2008 A man who is bisexual is accused of raping several women in Wardown Park after they had left a Kings Of Leon concert.

Guest starring The Kings Of Leon

30 Million Viewers
20 Only Bi The Night - Part Two John Hegley 1 August 2008 Conclusion of the above. The team continue to search the park.

Guest starring The Kings Of Leon

20.7 Million Viewers
21 Carnival Canibal David Renwick 8 August 2008 The late May bank Holiday returns to Luton and some of the visitors are shocked when instead of candy floss they are given body parts. 18 Million Viewers
22 Chavtastic Danny Cannon 15 August 2008 Luton Hoo is invaded by a group of chavs that will not leave and its up to the team to stop them from taking over the building. 2.6 Million Viewers
23 A Bridge Too Far John Hegley 22 August 2008 Someone is caught with riding their bike on the pedestrain suspension bridge over the River Lea and is arrested. 3 Million Viewers
24 Bin There, Done That David Renwick & Arthur Hailey 29 August 2008 A wheelie bin is nicked from a house down a street so the team try to find the culprit.

First Appearance of PC Connor Ashdown

16 Million Viewers
25 East Luton Corridor - Part One Jerry Bruckheimer 5 September 2008 A man is murdered in the East Luton Corridor while it is under development. 8 Million Viewers
26 East Luton Corridor - Part Two Jerry Bruckheimer 12 September 2008 Another man is murdered in the East Luton corridor and so the team investigate. 8 Million Viewers
27 Twas The Night Before The Night Before Christmas (2008 Christmas Special) Jerry Bruckheimer & David Renwick 19 December 2008 Christmas is stolen and the team pull in all the usual suspects. The Grinch dies whilst in custody causing Internal Affairs to be called in.

First Appearance of Supernintendo Agent Borris Wenham

99 Million Viewers

Series 3 - 2009[edit]

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
28 City Of Violent Fights Jerry Bruckheimer 19 June 2009 The team go undercover to stop the illegal sale of VCR's late on friday nights, however there is more to the case than meets the eye when they get caught up in several street fights that are taking place on friday nights interupting the usual calmness of Luton at that time.

First Appearance of Detective Phil Mason

10 Million Viewers
29 Sex, Lies & Chicken & Mushroom Pies David Renwick 26 June 2009 The team go undercover yet again when they are informed that the owner of a fish and chips shop is running wife swap parties after hours. The team are not going to take this news lying down... 145 Million Viewers
30 OverChode Danny Cannon 3 July 2009 An ICT specialist is found dead at his home and the motivation seems to be that his ex-girlfriend murdered him because he did not tell her he had a chode. The girlfriend however; maintains that she was "well over" the fact that he had a chode. But is she telling the truth? 16 Million Viewers
31 Organ Doner Arthur Hailey 10 July 2009 The team get more than they bargained for when they are forced to track down the person responcible for killing several people and taking their organs. 3 Million Viewers
32 The Small Matter Of Murder David Renwick 17 July 2009 A dwarf is murdered. 9 Million Viewer
33 Take A Look At The Doorman Jerry Bruckheimer 24 July 2009 A nightclub doorman is severly beaten and his partner decapitated, could one have killed the other or is something else to blame? 13 Million Viewers
34 I Must Stress That I Do Not Have A Mistress! John Hegley 31 July 2009 A caring and loving family man is found after the team raid a sex club. With his help the team hope to bring down another 'cathouse' yet his assistance may cost him his marriage if his wife finds out that he has a mistress. Will the man go all the way to help the team? 23 Million Viewers
35 24 adDresses Jerry Bruckheimer 7 August 2009 The team are called to wasteland where a naked woman is found. Inside her coat pocket the team find a list with twenty-four names and addresses on. With no clues and no leads can the team address the issue at hand and work out how the woman died?

First Appearance of PC Augustine Cakesby

6 Million Viewers
36 Natural Porn Killers Danny Cannon 14 August 2009 In order to finance their final year at The University of Bedfordshire - Luton Campus, a group of students agree to take part in a few porn films. The problem is someone has accidentally returned them to Blockbuster instead of their copies of Borat leading to this person winding up dead. Who is murdering the students? Why are they doing it? And can they be stopped? 123 Million Viewers
37 Night At Luton Museum John Hegley & Arthur Hailey 21 August 2009 Reports flood in that a security guard at the Luton Museum has seen figures moving in their at night. Are they the waxworks? Is the guard blind as a bat? Or are they real people robbing the place? 1 Million Viewers
38 9+5=Murder David Renwick 28 August 2009 At a run-down Luton comprehensive the team are shocked to hear that a depressed maths teacher has gone on a killing spree after a child commented that they will never use algerbra in the future so there is no point learning it. 8 Million Viewers
39 Alice In Underwear - Part One Danny Cannon & John Hegley 4 September 2009 The team find a young woman called Alice dead on a train that has just stopped at Leagrave Railway Station. On closer inspection they discover that she is only wearing her underwear and nothing else. Now the team must build up the breast of the case... 44 Million Viewers
40 Alice In Underwear - Part Two Danny Cannon & John Hegley 11 September 2009 The team discover that Alice's underwear is infact a thong!!!!!! Oh yeah they also think she was murdered after she refused to hand over her clothes to an escaped female convict, but how right are they? Long story short....not very! 44 Million Viewers

Series 4 - 2010[edit]

Due to the success of the third series, a fourth has was comissioned for summer 2010, following on from the CSI: Swansea cross-over "Trilogy of Errors".

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
42 A Happy Suicide David Renwick 11 June 2010 Someone takes their own life...or did they? It's time for the team to investigate. TBA
43 The Good, The Bad & The Dead Danny Cannon & Arthur Hailey 18 June 2010 Three teenagers are last seen mucking around in an abandoned building, the next minute one ends up dead. Who killed the dead teenager, the good teenager? The bad? Or someone else? TBA
44 Money Is The Where? (A.K.A) Communication Problems David Renwick 25 June 2010 Some money is nicked from one of Luton's Spar shops by an oriental man who passes it onto someone else. When the team try and find out who there are communication problems dragging the episode out to 60 minutes running lengh! TBA
45 The Man Who Liked Boys John Hegley & Arthur Hailey 2 July 2010 A man who likes young boys must be stopped before he can get to the playground... TBA
46 You Will Wake Up Dead! Danny Cannon 9 July 2010 After a vicious fight in a Luton Pub one man tells the other that he should buy his gravestone as next time they meet he will end up dead. Ironically this man does end up dead, but did the other man do it? Yes he did! TBA
47 The Man Who Could Not Die...Because He Was Already Dead! Jerry Bruckheimer 16 July 2010 The team discover that a man in Luton is immortal and cannot die, then after some tests are run on his body it is discovered that the man cannot die because he is already dead. Yet another pointless CSI episode! TBA
48 Dead Weight - Part One Jerry Bruckheimer 23 July 2010 A man is found weighed down in concrete at a building site. Did he slip and fall in? Not likely. TBA
49 Dead Weight - Part Two Jerry Bruckheimer 30 July 2010 The team discover that there are several other bodies in the same pit that the first man was found in. Now they need to build the rest of the case up to reach a conclusion. A half decent episode! TBA
50 A Counterfeit Countess Counts Her Cash Danny Cannon 6 August 2010 A woman obessessed with spending money on shoes soon realises that all her money has been spent and soon she starts printing and spending her homemade bank notes, an action that causes her to really put her foot in it, as the team find out. TBA
51 Someone Who Was Lucky Arthur Hailey 13 August 2010 Someone survives an attack that could of killed them so the team spend the whole episode telling said person how lucky they were. TBA
52 The Long Good-die David Renwick 20 August 2010 A wife decides to split up with her husband who doesn't want to leave his wife but gives her a longwinded goodbye which results in the wife stabbing her husband...or so it would seem... TBA
53 Till Death Does Us Apart - Part One Danny Cannon & David Renwick 27 August 2010 A newly wedded couple are found dead.

Guest Starring Rick Astley as lead singer of the wedding band

54 Till Death Does Us Apart - Part Two Danny Cannon & David Renwick 27 August 2010 Conclusion to the above.

Guest Stars a wedding cake

55 2010 Christmas Special: Violent Night Carol Mendohlson & Anthoney E. Zuiker 24 December 2010 Luton is put into a state of panic as a series of violent murders are attributed to a dysfunctional group of carol singers.

Series 5 - 2011[edit]

A fifth series of the show was aired in Summer 2011.

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
56 Murder on the First-Capital Connect Arthur Hailey 3 June 2011 A dead body is found on a train where there are mysteriously no eyewitnesses. TBA
57 U.G.L.Y. Helen Raynor 10 June 2011 The team concludes that a ten year old girl was killed because she was ugly. TBA
58 Udderly Terrified David Renwick & John Hegley 17 June 2011 A man is trampled to death by a cow. TBA
59 Stuck on You Jerry Bruckheimer 24 June 2011 A mysterious series of events involving people being super-glued to their beloved pets attracts the attention of the CSIs. TBA
60 Bad House Danny Cannon 1 July 2011 Five people are found dead inside a house rumoured to be possessed by supernatural powers. Meanwhile, Augustine has trouble returning a faulty microwave back to Comet. TBA
61 Sweet Mary! Richard Curtis 8 July 2011 The team is called in when they discover a 15 year old girl is not in fact a virgin. TBA
62 High (90 minute episode) Anthony E. Zuiker 15 July 2011 In a special 90 minute edition, Phil, Jayne and Ian are sent undercover into a notorious drug organisation. After having their cover blown, will they all make it out alive?

Final appearance of Detective Ian Rutterford

63 Goodnight, Sweet Prince Carol Mendohlson & Anthony E. Zuiker 22 July 2011 Still mourning the loss of Ian, the team investigates the death of an actor in a travelling theatre company. TBA
64 Luton's Burning Arthur Hailey & Helen Raynor 29 July 2011 The team investigates a fire at a local Pakistani newsagents, however they are quickly pulled off the case after it is revealed that nobody in fact gives a damn. TBA
65 Make a U-Turn, If Possible David Renwick 5 August 2011 The team is called out when a car is found parked on a set of double yellow lines. TBA
66 [Error 404] Danny Cannon & John Hegley 12 August 2011 A man is brought in to custody after throwing his computer out the window, killing a pedestrian. But could the fault lie in the server or Internet Explorer's pitifully slow loading times? TBA
67 @$%#~! Arthur Hailey 19 August 2011 A man with tourettes finds himself on the wrong side of the law, much to everybody's amusement. TBA
68 Connor Jerry Bruckheimer 26 August 2011 When Connor is brought in on allegations of possessing child pornography, it is up to the team to find a way to clear him, but complications arise when members of the team begin to express their own doubt towards Connor's innocence. TBA
69 Men Don't Wear Fishnets David Renwick & Helen Raynor 2 September 2011 A transvestite is reportedly driven on a killing spree. Meanwhile, a new addition to the team brings some unwanted tension.

First appearance of Lieutenant Daniel Lumpknee


DVD Release[edit]

Cover Art Series Episodes Bonus Features Release Date (UK)
Artwork TBC The Complete Series One AutoPilot - The Hat Facotry - Part Two Bonus Disc: Behind the scenes documentary of filming at the hat factory, character biographies, GMTV interview, series two English trailer, series two Japanese trailer, animated short, Radio One interview with Chris Moyles and an idiots guide to Luton 22nd December 2008
Artwork TBC The Complete Series Two On 'Ye Bike - East Luton Corridor - Part Two & Twas The Night Before Christmas (2008 Xmas Special) Bonus Disc: Documentary on filming the series premiere with a stolen bike, the lost episode, TV indents, Kings Of Leon on set talk, series three trailer, Delated scene of a scene, unfunny outakes, David Renwick's video diary and video of on-set pranks 21st December 2009
Artwork TBC The Complete Series Three City Of Viloent Fights - Alice In Underwear - Part One Bonus Disc: An up close and personal look at Alice's underwear, behind the laughter: a in-depth look at the gritty side of the show, series four trailer and hillariously unfunny outakes 20th December 2010