Celebrity Advice/Answer 8

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People say I'm crazy, but I only talk to gophers on screen. At home I talk to God and the house-plants.

Dear Duncan,

If anyone can sympathize with your plight then I guess it’s me. But don’t despair, life ain’t out to get get you. Remember, God’s on your side and He doesn’t want you to let this sort of shit happen to you. In my experience most cops are just fucking Nazis, man – especially the Jewish ones. Are the cops in Aberdeen all Jews too? The LAPD is like a fucking kibbutz or something.

Take my advice, pal. Buy a pick-up truck, get loaded and drive it home. If the cops try to stop you, drive right over the squad car. Better yet, get out and crucify one of those kike mother-fuckers, see how they like it. That'll teach them for persecuting Our Lord, the Yiddish bastards.

And, if your old lady gives you a hard time when you get home – give her a right hand straight on the jaw. Doesn’t it say in the Good Book that the only language dames understand is violence? I think it’s in Leviticus somewhere, most things are.

Mel G.

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