Charlotte Church

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Charlotte Church and her big brains. Be honest, you would, wouldn't you!

Charlotte Church is the most famous example of Wales's main export: religious architecture. Since the demise of the coal industry, the Charlotte Church has been sold in a prefabricated slate kit to at least 21 English parish councils and the Iona Community of Loch Fannich. Its popularity has seen the name Charlotte Church adopted by several Welsh country and western singers, although the most famous Charlotte Church has now carved out a career in vox pop and inflammatory oration.

Early Life and Career[edit]

Charlotte Church was conceived in Cardiff, Wales during a bara brith baking competition. Her mother, Llandaff Cathedral, was penetrated by a searing Ray of Light. Ray was boiling mad after having his bread disqualified by a judge from Hollywood. Even before Charlotte was born it was discovered she was a musical prodigy. Whenever her heavily pregnant mother came near crying babies, her ample belly emitted a mysterious and eerie sound in perfect harmony with their screams and yells. Charlotte was also known to kick off her booties in time to the sound of the theme from Antiques Roadshow. By the time she started primary school, she had already recorded a highly successful remix of Baa Baa Black Sheep (Have you any wool?) and had defeated both MC Hammer and Will Smith in a rap battle. She then decided to apply her skills to classical music and trained extensively at her school choir, which was in Wales.

Charlotte's first exposure to the British public came when, aged 11, she phoned up Andrew Lloyd Webber while he was performing a puppet show with the Bobbsey Twins characters, Richard & Judy. Lloyd Webber asked her to sing the theme tune from the Guinness ad, which he relayed through the loud speaker system each time Richard hit Judy with his string of sausages. Her stonking success was followed by performances on various ITV talent shows, singing a range of songs including one off a Stella Artois advert and the 1664 symphony (the one that was unfinished, due to it being such a great year for beer).

Within a year Charlotte had secured a massive recording contract and had a huge hit with that song about Jesus and pie. Her album, Voice of A Welsh Angel, sold over 200 copies in Wales, outselling U2, Oasis, Madonna and Boyz II Men combined, making it the best-selling album in the history of Wales. Amongst her huge fanbase were many famous people, and she was invited to perform for Pope John Paul II, Bill Clinton and Jade Goody, none of whom speak Welsh.

Later Career[edit]

At the age of 16, Church decided to stop singing classical music. This was partly because she wanted to move into pop music and partly due to boredom reading this biography. This period in Charlotte's life was dominated by a big blue inflatable dolphin. The dolphin had come to her one night in a dream and told her that she must start a campaign against binge drinking. "I think binge drinking is very, very dangerous, y'know," said Church, "but I think the really important point that most people overlook is that a big blue inflatable dolphin told me so."

In 2005, something amazing happened. She woke up one morning to find her name written on the back of a cigarette packet. She was shocked to find that the cigarette packet was in the bedroom of that most infamous of Welsh DJs, Eminem, as she had previously been led to believe she was in the bedroom of her mother's favourite Where's Wally?. But at least he was Welsh. Church sang him a suitable aria and vowed to clean up her act. She would now devote at least one afternoon a month to the healing power of prayer and only drink sacramental wine on a Thursday. It was on one such day she recorded her first pop album. When she took it out to her loyal legions of two fans, they looked at her blankly and said "oh - we were expecting a glass of fizzy pop".

But amazingly the album, entitled Tissues and Alcohol Issues, was a huge success, particularly popular amongst teenage boys with low self-esteem. The first single, Crazy Bucket of KFC, was number one in every country in the world except the Faroe Islands. It is also Queen Elizabeth II's third footman's favourite song, and according to rumours put about by the people of HRH Prince Charles, looks set to replace God Save The Queen as Britain's national anthem.

Church also released the song Call My Biscuit with a video featuring her teenage boy fans with really, really low self-esteem wearing inappropriate clothing like tight corsets that make them feel faint and 6 inch stiletto gold boots that are dangerous for doing an Irish jig.

At the end of 2005 Church found new boyfriend Jim Henson in Manhattan after a meteor shower party. Henson made a Muppet for Church who played rugby for Wales and stuck his hair up with lots of gel. Church sent Henson a picture of her Muppet in a top hat decorated with macaroni that was posted online by a group of very tiny male Smurfs.

Lung Capacity[edit]

Charlotte warms up for her latest display of lung power

Charlotte Church has the biggest pair of lungs in Wales and therefore the world. She recently proved this fact by going head to head with Tom Jones in a balloon inflating challenge and winning. The resulting balloons can be seen from space. Some say that Shirley Bassey could beat her lung capacity when in her prime, but much like when discussing whether Muhammad Ali would beat Lennox Lewis, it is impossible to know for sure, as modern balloon technology was not available for Bassey.

Church's massive chest has often posed a problem over the years. She has never eaten cake on her birthday, as she always sends the cake flying when blowing out the candles. In an attempt to enjoy her cake, Church took up smoking, but her lungs are far too powerful. They cannot be stopped. However, there are some advantages to having such an expansive torso. Her ability to hold her breath under water enables her to drink like a fish, a talent that has been often exhibited while on tour in Ibiza.