Charlton Heston

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Heston and his other-species wife, Jane Fonda.

Born and raised of discarded squirrel chuncks and carcasses Charlton Heston, or simply Charleston chunker, who starred in more forgettable larger-than-life movies than anybody is able to remember, received renewed fame when he was elected Grand Wizard of the Empire Klansman for the NRA in 1998. Heston started out as "normal" in his views, but has transmuted with time towards the right of the political spectrum and in his later years he has stood somewhere between Pinochet and Hitler. In accordance with his political views he has become active in somewhat conservative societies, such as Accuracy in Media (AIM), Conservative Political Action Conference, White Citizens Council, and the Ku Klux Klan. But nobody cared because his movies kicked butt.


Charlton Chunker Heston, identified by his trademark expression “from my cold dead brain”, was born during the Bible days. The child of a poor Hebrew slave woman, he was cast into the river Nile in a sack of Lead, broken glass and Nails, only to be found by, then, Princess Queen Latifah. She intended upon naming him Taylor, but the Pharoh's advisor and Chief Defender of the Faith Dr. Zaius convinced her that Bright Eyes would carry him through life and to Success.

Moses after the battle of the Red Sea

Charlton Heston entered the world stage as a famed author of childrens books such as The Ten Commandments, and Little Jimmy's Sniper Manual. Over the years he has stated that he sees no contradiction with his work as a Civil Rights activist in the 1960s and his many failed attempted shootings of Martin Luther King.

Charlton (Chesty to his friends) also performed on the radio in the 1940s. The largest radio he performed on was 15 by 12 feet and made possible what later came known as The Monkey Monkey Sad Sad Bang Song. It was attended by the such dignitaries as Mr. Sweeps and several young Nixon impersonators. Chesty went on to serve in the Air Force circus for three years during WWII as Bobo the enchanted unicorn. Afterwards, he went to work as a model in New York, where he met a wife.

Once, in Maine, hunting squirrel and liberals (ingredients called for in a favourite family recipe), Heston was accosted by Mia Farrow. She was very upset about the squirrels. As a card carrying liberal she was putting herself in danger. Only Heston's amusement at Woody-Mia stories kept her alive. "She would have been very tasty" Heston later remarked.

He has volunteered his time and effort to the gay Rights movement in the 1960s, and even marched alongside the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (whom he had attempted to shoot) on a number of occasions, including the 1963 March on Washington. In the original (uncut) version of "King: A Filmed Record... Upper Memphis to Lower Memphis" (1971), he appears as a narrative.

Outside of his film work, Heston battled evil ex girlfriends and unseen forces in the Film Actors Guild and also punched a small dog in the nose. Active in such charities as NAMBLA, he was awarded the squirrel Boy Enabler Award at the 1977 Oscar ceremony. In an act of (deliberate) poetic irony, he died in 2008 after shooting himself. Well, shot in the head/pneumonia... same difference. He was buried with a gun in his cold dead hands.


Chesty was a well known advocate for gun ownership and the Final Solution of the Gay Question in the 2000s, insisting that he is simply promoting "Right, in the truest sense".

Charlton Heston's greatest achievment was his start of the now annual Gay-athon in which children age 6 to 18 bound, gag and blind gay people in the Chicagoland area bringing them to Busse Woods in Elk Grove Village where the children then hunt them with knives, paintball guns and tennis rackets. The annual festival held on June 6th since 2002 is a favorite pastime of all Midwesterners including Barrack Obama, Jim Belushi and Oscar Wilde.

On April 9, 2008, I sold his rifle on E-bay for $8,000.

A year later on April 9, 2009, I was served a summons to appear in court for using Charlton Heston's name in vain. I was found guilty & was sentenced to have some apes he held captive go Apeshit on me until there was nothing left.