- You may be looking for god and not even know it!
“ITS FOCKING DRY ”
“These are not the cheese you are looking for. ”
It has long been believed that Cheese is the holiest substance in existence. Recently however, scientists, priests and 9 year old nerds around the globe recently discovered a new, holier and LIGMA resistant variant of cheese - the cheese naan.
How to acquire the cheese naan
It is extremely hard to acquire the holy and fabled cheese naan, for the cheese naan cannot be simply made or found, but instead has to be summoned in a ritual that for some odd reason resembles the rituals used to summon Satan and Adolf Hitler. Similar to Cheese, the cheese naan can also be obtained by stealing pre-summoned cheese naan from over-priced Indian restaurants, or you could just buy them off the black market.
If you have done years of training as a priest or have bribed enough naan priests, you may make your own cheese naan. While methods and recipes vary from person to person and often involve secret family recipes, there are basics that most makers follow.
Basic cheese naan recipe
- Step 1. One could make naan from scratch, but why bother when it is more fun to buy it? Go to the local marketplace to the naan seller of your choice. After a quick look, insult his/her naan, picking up a few and sailing them in the air while screaming insults. The seller will then realize you are a local and will be easier to deal with. Then spend as much time as you can to haggle the price down to as little as you can. When the seller is dancing around and needs to use a toilet, you know you can strike the best deal. After that is done and you have your 500 naan, insist on a further quantity discount. When the seller begins weeping, you know you have struck the best price and he/she may even let you have the naan for free, just so you will leave.
- Step 2. Repeat the same with the cheese seller and spice seller in the same market. While not quite as fun, they may have already seen or heard you with the naan seller and will probably offer you a rock bottom price to get rid of you quickly. Of course, you will badger them into giving you an even better price. You will also insist that they measure in the old English system as your mother's recipe used that system. So, you will also need:
- 125 pounds (lbs.) (56.8 kg.) of paneer cheese
- 5 lbs. of sumac
- 3 lbs. of thyme
- 2 lbs. of oregano
- 4 lbs. of sesame seeds
- 1.5 lbs. of sea salt
Make sure that all is to be delivered to your house within the hour, telling each seller that when you speak to their mothers the next week, you will mention their disrespect if they do not deliver on time.
- Step 3. If you have no slaves, then gather all your children or any street urchins or monkeys hanging around. Have several of them grate the cheese finely and set aside. Make sure to threaten them with death to prevent them from eating any cheese.
- Step 4. Have the rest of your helpers grind the spices together.
- Step 5. All helpers must now match pairs of naan together so they are exactly the same. Again, death threats make the work go quickly. Set everything aside to just before the meal to insure hot cheese naan.
- Step 6. Cheese and spices are placed evenly between the pairs of naan. Preheat you naan toaster (see image at right), using one of the helpers to check the temperature. You don't want your cheese naan to burn.
- Step 7. Use your helpers to toast the cheese naan lightly by holding them between their fingers, and toes, too, if they are monkeys. Then have each helper carefully dropped into the toaster for the calculated time. This is hot work so make sure to drink a icy nimbu pani or two.
- Step 8. Have the most coordinated surviving helper cut the cheese paneer into wedges and serve immediately. The recipe will serve a standard extended Indian family plus provide the required leftovers to take home.
- Step 9. If you had monkey helpers, give them some of the cheese naan, some shiny trinkets and promise them that you will leave a generous offering at Hanuman's local temple. If you had human helpers, shoo them out of kitchen into the yard and slam the door behind them, telling them they will need to do better next time.
Uses of the cheese naan
There are many uses to the cheese naan, most of them just upgrades to the effects of consuming normal cheese. There are some extra effects that can be obtained from consuming the Cheese naan however. Some effects include instant obesity, the power to read and memorize the entirety of the Holy Bible (both Testaments) in a fraction of a second and the ability to pronounce the equivalent of the letter E in all known languages in existence.
Due to the fact that the Cheese naan was only discovered quite recently, not much is known about the Cheese naan. If you know more about the Cheese naan, feel free to edit in more information.