Poutine
“The poutine in Quebec, he tastes like the shit.”
Poutine was the Prime Minister of Canada from 711-725 AD. He is to Canada what pâté de foie gras and Jerry Lewis are to France, combined.
Discovery and modern use[edit]
While his 14-year rule lead to significant cultural advancements, including the establishment of Atheism as the national religion, he is best known for the bizarre accident in which he died. While attempting to make a giant cauldron of gravy for his Thanksgiving dinner, he was absentmindedly snacking on cheese fries, which he had invented a week ago. He slipped on a banana and fell into the gravy, along with his fries and a small irish slave. While his loved ones were horrified upon discovering his gooey corpse, they had to admit that he was pretty tasty. A Pontiac variant of this recipe is to use a carcass of a Quebec Language Police officer for the gooey part and the rather thick skull for the bowl which has roughly the equivalent insulating R-value as styrofoam and tastes about the same.
Atheists quickly realized the importance of his discovery, and introduced batches of "poutine" (some containing a little bit of His Irish slave, some vegetarian) into their weekly religious services. For it is written, "The Lord is my food cart, I shall not go hungry."
Other poutines[edit]
When on pilgrimage to Québec, one must be cautious not to confuse «poutine» with «putain», otherwise who knows what you may end up eating.
New Brunswick also exports a variation of poutine, in which the ingredients are actually compressed under a heavy weight until they congeal into a solid lump which resembles a medicine ball.
Vladimir Putin, the czar of Russia, is often mistaken for the food. His name comes from the fact that the Poutine clan of Cossacks were well-known for their sallow complexions, weakness for cheese, gravy and fried potatoes and their tendency to die early from heart disease. Due to his Poutinian heritage, he has an entire wing of the Kremlin devoted to producing it. He imports Ukrainian slaves to use in the product. Poutine Gaufrette-Odorante is the best friend of Groslard Toilette-Puante.
Frequently asked questions[edit]
- Does anyone really actually eat something that looks like it came out of the back of a moose?
- Yes, his name is Gord.
- Where can I get a poutine?
- In Québec and any Macdo in the Northern Hemisphere. Except the United States.
- What is the fastest way to get a heart attack in the province of Québec?
- Find a building with a sign outside labelled “LaFleur” or “Chez Ashton”
- Repeat the phrase, “Une poutine, s’il vous plaît” (for Americans, simply approach the counter and shout repeatedly, “GIMMEE A GODDAMN POO-TEEN!” — it’s expected)
- Exchange small metal objects or pieces of paper for a plate of something resembling moose excrement (see above)
- Eat
- Repeat
- Why would someone do this?
- Native Québecois use it as a compact, high-calorie fuel source for their long journeys to and from the bar to get Canadian Beer, which they use to keep their blood from freezing. These treks often involve many miles of burrowing through solid ice, and short periods of hibernation along the way are not uncommon.
See also[edit]
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