Moose
“Why the long face?”
The moose, or mousse, is a living shampoo bio-engineered by Garnier Haircare Products Inc. to serve as a living mascot for that great and terrible company. Its Latin name is Garnierius Shampooicus, and its less Latin name is Christ, look at that f***ing great deer over there! It smells like cherry!.
Garnier breeds these creatures in a secret facility on Mount Everest and raises them on a diet of pure lemongrass picked from the freshest mountain peaks to ensure they show off their luxurious shampooed fur in the best light. It is possible to acquire a moose by paying Garnier Haircare Products Inc. the princely sum of $1,000,000; they use this money to fund their less well known research into using shampoos as a uranium substitute in nuclear warheads. With fur that self-covers itself in the latest Garnier products and emitting a faint scent of citrus and cherry, the moose is highly prized by supermodels and poofs for its endless supply of haircare shampoos and conditioners. They even feature specially crafted hooks on their heads for their owners to hang clothes on while getting changing.
There are rumors that a group of particularly dark-furred moose escaped from the Garnier North Pole facility and made their way to Canada in a frenzied, shampoo-fueled bloodbath. Suspected casualties include three dogs, a bus stop sign, and an old woman's handbag. Such creatures are known as "chocolate moose" and are among the most dangerous creatures known to man; apparently they have learned to adapt their special hooks to break apart tough carcasses so the moose may feed on the sweet organs within. The best way to deal with these creatures known so far is to release grease into their environment; this clogs up their special shampoo producing pores and makes their coat greasy and repugnant to look at, causing the moose in question to collapse and die as it is now worthless to the Garnier regime.
Some scientists believe that moose existed happily in the wild before the coming of the Garnier corporation and, rather than being bio-engineered, were simply repeatedly coated in shampoo and conditioner until they were so saturated they began to produce the substances naturally. This was mostly fringe science until recently, but now possible evidence has been recently found of a moose-like creature living in the far-off land of Ireland, a place where other freak-of-nature creatures such as leprechauns and lepers flourish, in the distant past. This species of moose, tentatively called the "Keg Elk" appeared to create copious amounts of Irish Guinness from its pores instead of shampoo and may have been the cause of the great Irish Potato Famine (because the Irish were far too drunk to bother about silly potatoes).
Characteristics[edit]
The typical moose is a large beast, roughly in the shape of the bloated corpse of a stag, and is covered in long, perfectly soft hair and smells strongly of lemon. Garnier also produces moose that smell of other best-selling Garnier fragrant shampoos, including cherry, dynamite, snot and walrus blubber. It has long coat-hook shaped antlers to hang clothes on and hooves used to sand down their owner's fingernails before a show.
The current generation of moose has poor vision, because of an incident in 1997 when a newly purchased moose, on looking upon its new owner for the first time, brutally savaged her because she did not look like someone worthy of appearing in a Garnier brand advert. Garnier is still dealing with this Sarah Jessica Parker incident, and the moose's owner also took them to court and won a large sum of money.
Behavior[edit]
Though few common people have ever seen a moose due to the exorbitant fee charged by the Garnier facility to acquire one, they have been extensively documented by the rich Hollywood Scientists, including Brian Cox, the robotic torso that houses the brain of Albert Einstein, and Chevy Chase. They are docile creatures who are content to spend the day providing an endless supply of haircare products to their owner and anyone else who happens to be nearby, and as long as they are given enough pure, freshly picked lemongrass and scented rosewater, will not object to being reduced to a walking shampoo bottle. Garnier is already advertising its next collection of moose ("It walks, talks, and lives hair care! Disclaimer: Moose cannot actually talk."), which will feature rough tongues that can be used to easily apply hair-gel and the ability to order a moose with custom printed fur or one that produces a custom scent of shampoo.
Some hippies suggest that the moose is naturally a very evil creature and is only kept docile and dumb by the constant accompanying smell of overpowering shampoo, lowering the creature's brain activity levels. Without it, they say, the Earth would currently be ruled by moose overlords and us their pathetic servants. Whether this is true or not, only Garnier knows, but if it is, God help us all; there will be no survivors.
Diet[edit]
The Garnier Corporation Moose Care Handbook suggests that all moose are kept on pure, freshly picked lemongrass and scented rosewater (of course, these products are also sold at exorbitant prices by the Garnier Conglomerate). The Hollywood Scientists have been experimenting with other diets but as the creatures seem to blatently refuse anything with even the slightest hint of fat or grease within, finding substitutes seems like a difficult job. The newly discovered prehistoric "Keg Elk" is supposed to have subsided purely on potatoes and potato vodka, so these foodstuffs are currently being looked into as possible alternatives for modern day moose feed.
The above hippies mention that the moose's natural diet involves the blood of children, dead puppies, and the misery of the human race. Most scientists dismiss this as total nonsense, but the Garnier Organisation have been strangely quiet on the matter.