Coalville

“I married in Coalville once, shame it was my cousin”

~ Oscar Wilde on Coalville

Coalville is a former mining town situated in The People's Republic of the East Midlands, famed throughout Leicestershire for being the county's largest cesspit. Located eight miles south west of Loughborough, and five miles south east of Ashby-de-la-Zouch, Coalville was founded a safe distance away from any other literate civilisation to avoid contaminating the female population of the said settlements with bouts of beard growth, a condition which has spread rapidly among residents of the town. Indeed, residents regularly boast of the town's current title of being the only town in a first world country to still be rife with ebola.

Transport

It may be of no major surprise that there is a railway that passes right through the town centre, but currently no station exists. There was once a station, but after entering service, mass emigration of citizens occurred, and so the station was promptly shut to protect the outside world from having even more fools released into it.

A station was planned to be rebuilt on the passing line in 1993, with proposed trains consisting of a fleet of 'Old West' style handcar pump trolleys; it was to be named 'The Ivanhoe line', but sadly Ivan and his hoe broke up, and so the plans were scrapped. Dr Scam Sarvey continues to plead with National Rail to keep Coalville unconnected from the rest of the world, for fear of major outbreaks of diseases previously thought of as extinct.

Entertainment

Coalville is well known for the nightclub 'Emporium', where underage local harlots gather, rather like a taxi rank, but with ladies of easy virtue as opposed to taxis.

There is also a local MENSA institution for Coalville, whose meeting place is shown in the photo.

Notable Facts

- The film "Dawn of the dead" was shot on location in Coalville and was originally intended as a documentaary

- Coalville boasts highest reported incest rate in UK

- Coalville has its own climate "darrrkkbahhd" which translated from zombie to english means "Shit"

- Former singer and spunk receptacle Kerry Katona is the town's mayor and spiritual leader