Cold-EEZE

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Cold-EEZE is a common medicine used to treat the common cold by middle class white people who cannot suck it up. This medicine consists entirely of zinc, which is an element much like iron or nickle, but since zinc was invented by Satan rather than God, it can cure the common cold by warming people up with the fires of hell inside their mouths. Because of this, it has been processed into Cold-EEZE for its medicinal properties.

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Nomenclature[edit]

Cold-EEZE comes from the old English word "Cald" combined with the modern english word "easy". Unfortunately, due to the official language of Hell being Latin, there was a slight mistranslation of the second part of the hyphenated word, leading to "ease" being spelled with three Es and in all caps, whilst also adding a random Z and dropping an A and an S. In fact, due to this awful translation, Satan himself has proclaimed that he is now in the market for a new translator. Job perks include only being burned in an eternal fire for 23 hours a day. What a deal!

History[edit]

In the year 667, Satan faced a predicament. He had just recived a new group of sinners to punish, but this batch did not find any problem with being burned in fire. Scholars believe this issue results from the people being retired cat ladies, who tended to roast themselves in 90 degree rooms while laying under covers anyway. Even so, Satan needed a new method of torture. He noticed that the women very much enjoyed hard cany, despite their tendency to preemptively swallow them and choking. Working from here, Satan designed a new sort of hard candy that left a metallic taste in people's mouths, induced vomiting, and was called "healthy". Satan was so stunned by the amount of suffering endured by the women who sucked on the foul new substance that in the 1900's, he told his minion, Doctor Reverend Martin Luther King Jr Boulevard Street, that once he finished destroying the Catholic Church, improving the lives of African Americans, and cheating on more women than previously thought possible, he should market his new creation to the world as a new medicine. Hence, in 1996, only a few decades after the untimely assassination of the civil rights leader, Satan, and the descent of Mr. Street to hell as a replacement, Cold-EEZE was rolled out into national markets on a massive scale.

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Reception[edit]

Cold-EEZE has been widely acclaimed by leading soccer moms as the greatest thing since the Honda Odyssey. As rave reviews of the latest method to punish children while telling them it will shorten their cold spread, sales skyrocketed, icebergs melted, God abandoned us all, and an army of Soccer Moms named Stacy demanded to speak with the drug store managers. With an influx of money, Lucifer&Son Co. was able to introduce Cold-EEZE as a liquid, pill, and nasal spray (which was recalled by the FDA after cases of spontaneous human combustion among school aged children who inhaled the fumes). All in all, the operation was a success, allowing pain and misery to rule the world like it hadn't since the very dawn of fanny packs.

Conspiracies[edit]

Despite a pretty obvious goal of causing human suffering, multiple groups have presented conspiracies on what they believe the true motive of the supplement is.

-World-renown scientists and research agencies have declared that Cold-EEZE is actually the most effective anti cold remedy. They state that it, on average reduces the length of colds by 50%. Skeptics to this theory point out that, since the common cold has a 100% lethality rate, Cold-EEZE seems to only cause a faster and less painful death, sending people to Hell faster, which is certainly part of the devil's plan.

-The Flat Earth Society claims that Cold-EEZE is merely a method to continue the illusion that the earth is round. They don't say how, but this is a much more plausible theory, having convinced 98% of Trump voters.

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