Crapping in a bucket from a very high building
Crapping in a bucket from a very high building may not be a very catchy name; but it sure as hell is an addictive sport!
The rules are pretty self explanatory but I'll try and explain. What it means you to do is place a bucket at the base of a very high building (say the empire state building) go to the top, drop trou, perch your bare ass over the edge and squeeze out a steamer aiming for the bucket below.
- Getting it in the bucket (a clanger): 15 pts
- Hitting the rim of the bucket (a rimmer): 10 pts
- Hitting within a metre of the bucket (a pavement cake): 5 pts
- Further away (a man made meteor): 0 pts
- Hitting an animal (Eg. Cats, Dogs, Manbearpigs etc.): -5 pts
- Hitting a bystander (People looking out of windows, people on the ground): -20 pts
- Hitting all four Jonas Brothers with a single round: priceless
This sport, once a backstreet money maker, is now one of the most popular alternative sports in the world. Champions have been discovered from all countries and nations including; Pete The Hairy, Jorg 'Thunderguts' Hurdygurdy, Steve 'the Squit' Jobbs and the American champion Terry 'The Torpedo' Depp (not related to the actor).
It is now having nightly slots on sky sports having viewer ratings of over 9000!!!!!!!!! Check the scanner. Many celebs are jumping on the bandwagon including; Chuck Norris, Mr.T, Philip Henry, David Beckham and even The Hoff.
While practising for the 2005 championship Ann Coulter used a novel approach for motivation - she pasted a picture of Keith Olbermann on the bottom of the bucket. After squeezing for 7 minutes she finally passed a peanut sized turd, immediately keeled over, and was declared brain dead after x-rays of her skull revealed that it had been emptied.
A lot of controversy has surrounded this game including rumors that players where eating banned substances to make their crap more aerodynamic. Also several spectators were knocked unconscious by stray turds but it was thrown out of court when the judge ruled that it was their fault for standing so near the damn fucking bucket. Shut Up.
Many people see this sport as a social event; in fact many people have made great friends when casually practicing the sport. HRM the Queen has even been known to practice this magical sport from her garden wall.
2002 World Championship
The 2002 world championship was the biggest and most spectacular show ever in the history of this sport. No less than 55 countries took part and it was watched worldwide. The championship was held in New York, as America had one the year before, and the building chosen for the event was of course the Empire State Building.
The points went as follows;
Pete the Hairy
- 1 Clanger: 15 pts
- 2 Rimmers: 20 pts
- 4 pavement cakes: 20 pts
- 2 man made meteors: 0 pts
- Total: 55 pts
Terry 'The Torpedo' Depp
- 2 Clangers: 30 pts
- 0 Rimmers: 0 pts
- 3 pavement cakes: 15 pts
- 4 man made meteors: 0 pts
- Total: 45pts
- 3 Clangers: 45 pts
- 0 Rimmers: 0 pts
- 1 pavement cake: 5 pts
- 3 man made meteors: 0 pts
- Total: 50 pts
Pete the Hairy was a surprise winner as 'Sloppy' Joe had been a number one favorite to win. After a lot of uproar the judges ruled that Pete should be tested for drugs and his crap tested for illegal streamlining substances. after rigorous tests Pete was found to be under the influence of a pre match kitten huff and his turd contained large amounts of cement mix which added weight and made the turd fall straight being unaffected by wind turbulence. Pete was stripped of the trophy and champion title and it was given to 'sloppy' Joe (who, incidentally, was later found to be under the influence of kittens at the 2003 championships and was forced in to early retirement).