Du hast

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The front cover of Du hast.

Du hast (also known as "Do hast?" by many English speaking morons) is the first and only single ever released by the exotic German dance group Rammstein. The single was released in 1997, and features the 5th and only track from the band's first and only album Sehnsucht, which won 100 consecutive Platinum awards in every country in Europe, and a few in America, all 100% certified by the RIAA. Many people believe that Rammstein released tracks and singles such as Du riechst so gut, Engel, Sonne, and Amerika (among many other made-up, fictional singles), but this is a lie. Du hast is the one and only single, and song, ever created by Rammstein, and you can't prove otherwise.

Versions[edit]

Rammstein released versions in three languages: German, English and German, and Klingon. The last version was expected to be the most popular, but only residents of the former East Germany have shown interest in it. However, as downloads and even record players are beyond their technological understanding, sales have been poor. Still, those easterners now gather each year in their town squares and sing Du hast at Christmastime.

Pointless arguing about lyrical content[edit]

For years, people have been waging wars over the lyrical content of the song. It is predicted that the cultural effect that the single had on the German people led to a spacetime shockwave which radiated back to the year 1914, sparking the assassination of Franz Ferdinand, effectively causing World War 1. So, what is the arguing about? It is unknown to some people what the word "hast" translates to. 99% of the human population believe it to mean "have", making Du hast mean "you have", however, scientists have sequenced the full genome of Du hast and have figured out that "Du hasst" objectively translates to "You hate".

Regardless of scientific progress, many believers are still vehemently confident that "Du hast" means "You have", despite the fact that the entire song is practically a mish-mash of wedding vows, with the connotation of a wedding obviously showing that the song is about hatred. Of course, that's what weddings are all about.

The song has garnered critical praise for its intricate and subtle lyrics. That, coupled with its quiet and fragile melodic structure has led to Germans proposing that Du hast be made the national anthem. Classical Music Magazine described it as 'reminiscent of fairies dancing in a forest meadow, assuming Godzilla and Ghidorah are fairies and the forest meadow was being hit by massive meteorites while volcanos were erupting at the same time'.

Uses[edit]

German Rammstein fans will gather every other month on the border with France and turn up the song full blast. This causes the French military to go on full alert under the assumption that German forces are once again crossing the border. However, a quick call from the French president offering surrender terms to Germany will usually sort things out. At this point, with only a few nukes accidentally dropped on Switzerland or Belgium, full-scale war is avoided. Meanwhile, residents of Alsace-Lorraine have had a good night's sleep spoiled. Complaints have been made that their ability to properly march during strikes has been affected.

At the same time in France, this has caused a wave of interest in Les Lapins Crétins (Am. Raving Rabbids) after Du hast became its new opening theme music.

In a visit by a group of Carmelite nuns to the White House, President Donald Trump noted 'When I wrote this song and gave it to Ramstand, I never thought it would get as big as it did. Fair's fair, guys, give me a little credit. You know – royalties? And don't send Angela Merkel over for a blow job or something. America and Americans deserve cash. After all, we gave the krauts the Crimea and $50 billion.'

Beggars in Germany will sing the song while sparing for change on streetcorners. This has proven to be effective, especially when the beggar is accompanied by a drummer and electric bassist.