Embarrassing Bodies

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The first frame of every Embarrassing Bodies episode.

Embarassing Bodies refers to both the former largest county in England, and the Comedy TV series which was based within it.


Started in 2007 by Jamie Oliver and Heston Blumenthal as a televised method of collecting meat for their own cooking deeds, Embarrassing Bodies has since flowered in to a show where people seeking legitimate help on making their grotesque, and unhumanly deformed husks look presentable can do just that (of course, with a reasonable admission fee of 790,911.81 Mexican Pesos). The Embarrassing Bodies county of the UK was recently absorbed by the Warwickshire county, and thus, all of the organisms that once lived their unfortunate lives in the Embarrassing Bodies county have now defected to the second best place for them; Coventry.

Annually, the Embarrassing Bodies TV crew would (up until 2012, when they were apprehended for crimes against humanity) send hunting parties of Government-funded military squads throughout the streets of Coventry, London, and Birmingham to capture and detain people whom they considered to have 'inferior' or 'outrageously disgusting' bodies. These captured men, women and children would be interrogated and attacked in the cold confines of their prison cells (funded in part by the Obama administration, after Barack Obama's rise to power in the USA) and forced to rehearse long scripts written for their television appearances with Heston and Oliver, with the threat of death looming over them if they didn't comply.

The Freak family from Coventry.

This horrendous treatment of the freaks of Coventry continued for 5 full series, until the Obama administration found conclusive evidence that the morbidly obese people that the crew were capturing for the show were actually Americans that had defected from cities in Texas in favor of Coventry, subsequently withdrew their support of the British prison system, and launched attacks against the Embarrassing Bodies TV crew with the use of Drones, killing more captives than members of the crew, and also eviscerating the majority of Coventry, leaving the city in its current state. After this, a further 3 series of Embarrassing Bodies were produced under a new crew who eventually opted to help their subjects, and not harvest their flesh. The 8th series ended in 2015.

Famous Appearances[edit]

The show saw many famous (or soon-to-be) figures forced in to it, all of which were never seen again afterwards. Perhaps the most famous for his grotesque features was a very malnourished man only referred to as "Keith", who featured in a now-lost episode of Series 4. Having being starved in the Coventry streets for the past 10 years, and being forced to lick puddles of water infected with strains of deadly Coventry viruses, Keith's body appeared very similar to that of an actual human skeleton. The one feature of Keith's body that truly set him apart from many other examples, however, was not his skeletal demeanor, but rather his Croissant-shaped penis, coupled with his seemingly empty scrotum. The appearance of these extremities on public television caused many subsequent viewers to commit suicide, as the thought of such a terrifying image was unforgettable to them.

Elton John also voluntarily attended the show during series 7 and flashed his decaying genitalia to the population of Britain, causing a wave of suicides almost 110% larger than the first. This episode also became lost to time.

Heston and Oliver's use of Human Meat / Jamie's 30 Minute Meals[edit]

During the entire run of the Embarrassing Bodies TV show, Jamie Oliver, who co-ran the show, also hosted his own cooking show, Jamie's 30 Minute Meals, and frequently filmed (unreleased) episodes of the show featuring Heston Blumenthal, who acted behind the scenes of the Embarrassing Bodies show as a meat collector. The two frequently created such strangely appealing dishes as "fat man's foreskin casserole", of which the meat ingredient, a fat man's foreskin (later identified to belong to a deceased man who appeared on a televised Embarrassing Bodies episode months before the Jamie's 30 Minute Meals episode was filmed.) was used. In one particular episode, well-received serial killer and potential child molester Ainsley Harriott was invited on to the show to cook his own dish. According to police reports, the footage showed Harriott supplying his own severed human giblets to assemble his dish, implying that he, too, was as guilty as Oliver and Blumenthal.

The outrageous episodes of the series, whilst filmed in their entirety, were seized by the US government during their retaliatory attack on the Embarrassing Bodies cast, and were never released to the public as the meat of the victims, while claimed by Jamie to be "200% British citizen meat!" were actually 100% American citizen meat, and 150% American citizen fat. This seizure of the filmed episodes explains why the televised episodes of Jamie's 30 Minute Meals only lasted for one series. When interrogated by US Armed forces, Oliver explained that upon hearing that the US forces were invading, Blumenthal committed suicide by self-boiling in a giant lobster pot, evading capture in the most extreme way possible. Oliver also explained to authorities that his intent was to revitalize the Cannibalism market, popularizing the consumption of human meat by incorporating such outlandish foods in to his later series of Jamie's 30 Minute Meals, and he was using the show Embarrassing Bodies to harvest the deformed flesh of the self-conscious victims to achieve this goal. Finally, Oliver admitted to recruiting the help of Peter Scully to hide the bodies of his victims, and bury their bones; unfortunately for the both of them, all of the bones were eventually found under Oliver's kitchen floor.

Jamie Oliver was sentenced to 30 consecutive life sentences in Guantanamo Bay, a small paradise Oasis located somewhere in the United States of America, and ever since, has served as the luxury vacation spot's one and only Michelin star chef, cooking (and cooking for) all of the inmates since his arrival, and having occasional run-ins with the less-talented, and Michelin-star-less TV chef Gordon Ramsay, who Oliver also killed, cooked, and buried the bones of in full view of the Guantanamo Bay cafeteria.