Emperor of Mankind
The Emperor of Mankind, also known as Big Emps, DA EMPRA, Big E, The Empanator, The Fresh Prince of Humanity, Space Jesus or The Manly Man Emperor of Mankind, is the leader and religious figure head (most likely to his dismay) of the Empire of Mankind. He once ran around the galaxy helping humanity when it was fucked over by a bunch of murder-fucking-god-making-bullshit known as the age of strife. He had some son issues and ended up sitting on a golden toilet to stay alive.
Early Life[edit]
His birth has not been widely documented, but it is accepted that he was born when a bunch of shamans (past shitty not-so-fake psychic) committed mass suicide when they saw the disgusting, murderous, mind-fucking rapist that would rule over the universe in the future, however they accidentally combined all their souls as they all collectively went straight to the nearest vagina like the old creepy fucks they were. This all happened around stone age so it was kinda socially acceptable for the time. So he popped out around ancient Turkey and hung out for a while giving humanity pointers throughout the millennia. He may have been several of the "good" leaders throughout history as well as some not so good, because he can change his appearance (apparently Tzeentch taught him a few pointers on how to be a cheeky fuck), one of the powers included in "omnipotence". He is benevolent to the species, but in a Tough Love way. For most of the time, he watched over humanity making sure they didn't fuck up too badly. However, reports state that he did fuck up around the early 21st century, getting himself elected to a nation and fucking up a bunch of stuff nearly having a missile party with our ACTUAL lord and savior *BLAM* HERESY! I mean an inferior not-god...
When mankind went galactic and things were good, he was set to retire, but then Terminator Salvation happened when a bunch of knife ears (Eldar) wanted to have an orgy with knives and a shit ton of drugs happened to create the god of sex, drugs and rock 'n roll, Slaanesh. This fucked the galaxy SO HARD a hole opened up to check for STDS, instead an army of demons came out and went on a murder spree before the universal gynaecologist could come and have a look, doctors have named this the Eye Of Terror as it is the single most worst infection of interdenominational murder crabs they had ever seen. As such, Emps got up, took a deep breath, and went public.
Beginnings[edit]
The Emperor's rise to power during the Age of Strife, once he made up his mind, was fast. Rising from humble shop keeping beginnings, he soon maintained a chain of emporiums originating in what would become Vietnam, and became a powerful, rich and famous man with a direct audience of the kings and rulers of the time. Many called him the 'Rouge Trader' because fully 70% of his Emporiums dealt in make-up and related cosmetics.
In time, this fame and unprecedented access to the rulers of the Asiatic continent gained him the opportunity to rise to power in the courts, and he organized a largely peaceful coup of the states and united them under his banner. His dominance was total, but he inspired a fierce loyalty in his subjects through his bucket loads of charisma and, no doubt, through his powerful psychic abilities. Who said that?
He also flew to the moon to make 20 sons who he called his 'lil babby Primarch's' to help him run the emporiums and beat the shit out of the competitors. Horus, one of his sons, was left in charge of the store for a little while as Emps worked on his Emporum's web site way project. Horus fucked up real bad, causing many of Emps' sons to turn against him and causing one of Emps' sons Mangus's book store called Prospero to burn down after Horus told Leman Russ (another of his sons and one of the biggest furries known to man) that is was a good idea. Emps then found out about this, they had a massive fight causing Emps to go on a juice cleanse and to forever sit at his desk to keep back the trolls as Magnus accidentally uploaded it before it was ready.
Accomplishments[edit]
The Emperor's first reign in ancient times was largely undocumented during his time, as under his rule he suppressed all forms of the written word, for fear of the peasant masses writing instruction manuals and Chuck Norris facts. However, one of his descendants, The Unholy One, decreed that all of his forefather's deeds 'must be writ on the air itself'. Rolling their eyes, his scribes wrote it down on paper, and just told him they had done as he asked.
Hence we now know that the man who became Emperor, after cornering the market on cheap rouge and eyeliner, began to crave more and more. He locked himself away in his vaults and only his maniac cackles could be heard echoing through his palace while he painted himself all shades of the rainbow in lip gloss. Then something happened to him. The records are unclear as to the nature of the epiphany the Emperor underwent, but they all agree with Aegis the Procrastian when he wrote in AD134 that 'it must have been pretty fucking crazy.'
There was no noise from the vaults for some time. The clerks went about their business in the palace, filling out shipping orders and stamping the incoming forms. Then he appeared to them, with raven hair and golden robes, with sandals flashing with fire and his mascara perfectly applied. And yea, he was right mighty.
Domination of the rest of the earth came quickly afterwards. The nations of Middle Earth, as the Afro-Eurasian lands were then known, fell quickly to him and his clerks. No boutique was safe, no perfume counter was left unturned. The Emperor finally decided to put his degree in genetics into use. Thunder Warriors were a thing for a while. He then started recruiting some of the very first space Jacksons, a good chunk of them coming from Albania, particularly the mafia, and soon all of the lands were his, and his alone.
And he did sit upon a throne made of jade. And the models of the earth did their little turns on the catwalk for him.
Oh, and the Emporiums live on today, in spirit if not in fact, in the Wal-Mart chain, which can also trace its roots back to ancient Asia.