Exams
“Exams suck...especially pharmacy ones”
“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
“Pass exams,you shall not.”
“If only I had passed all my exams, I wouldn't be wasting my time putting a quote on every god damn page of uncyclopedia! I might be doing somthing worthwhile with my life!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Exams are also known as 'assessments', 'tests', 'fun times' and 'celebrations of learning', referring to an activity typically undertaken in the education and counseling industries to measure criticize the performance and ability of an individual. Often, an exam will consist of a number of tasks or questions requiring the examinee to complete the task or question whilst blindfolded and listening to Elton John via a pair of leather headphones (in continents where Elton John is banned, period music is piped through the examinee's brains instead).
Humans may be examined up to thrice throughout their entire lives, primarily at an educational establishment or occasionally a public house. Standard tests include 'SATs', 'SITs', 'SETs', 'SOOTs' and 'Rectal'. These tests occasionally involve large and pulsating pneumatic metal coils inserted into one of several holes depending on the roll of a die.
Exam results are typically graded using an alphabetical scale ranging from A through to E, F, N, U and U2.
History of Exams[edit]
Exams were created before schools were. But in those days, exams served the purpose of getting into renowned political positions such as:
- Hitler's Personal Secretary
- Lead Assassin of the Trans-siberian Orchestra
- President of the United States
- Superman
- Pope
- The 8th sign of the Apocolypse, which was later dropped due to cheating by the Mayor of Earlsbridge
- Jesus's personal Cheese Grater
Many other positions were also taken up by exams, but of course, these are the important four, also known as the "Fantastic Five".
Exams as Torture Mechanisms[edit]
Administering of exams is a form of torture which has survived from the Dark Ages. Unlike stretching people, drowning them in cow shit, or pouring scalding oil on happy children, examinations are one of the few horrors of old which are still considered socially acceptable. What most people don't know is that exams are constitutionally outlawed, and that if an exam writer strives for his right to liberty and the pursuit of happiness, he can simply punch the exam administrator in the face. (This will automatically earn you an A+ grade; Also, an automatic diploma will be granted to one who urinates on an incapacitated invigilator) Obviously the two aforementioned actions are a well kept secrets as few take advantage of the system in this manner. In the future, those who try to force exams on the unfortunate will be shot by firing squad.
Worldy problems associated with exams include stress, incontinence, and death.
Example Exam Tasks[edit]
Multiple-choice[edit]
For questions of this type, the examinee may be presented with a question or task followed by a sequence of possible solutions. The aim is to select the most-likely solution and highlight it via burning a hole in the paper or rock on which it is written. Usually, it is advisable to choose response 'B'.
True and False Questions[edit]
Questions in this format usually provide a box for both True, and False answers. Most likely, these are simple answers in response to the completely non-logical questions that precede them. Best chance with these is to look at your astronomical sign, and proceed to choose from there.
Written Answer Questions[edit]
Questions of this type present the examinee with a question which they must answer in full written form. Typically, the question will include a limitation such as, "You are not allowed to use the letters 'E, A, Y, U2 or Eleven'", a simultaneous task, "Write down your answer in a different accent" or a innovation in exam paper structure, such as not being allowed to know what the actual question is.
Note:The answer will always be 42
Calculation[edit]
This variety of question is found almost exclusively on English papers. It requires you to remember a mathematical formula that will allow you to work out a perfect analysis of the language. Strangely, the answer is always "All of Shakespeare's characters are gay." The formula is as follows:
Physical[edit]
A task of this type requires the examinee to complete some type of physical task. Example tasks from the 1953 SOOT exam included, "Run for 10 miles within an hour", "Run at 5 litres an hour" and "Eat sweets."
Random[edit]
A question or task of this type requires a random response from the examinee, directed at the examinator examinating the examinee during the exam. Random responses range from doing something absolutely unpredictable to performing an act that no one could have predicted nor expected.
Philosophical[edit]
Sometimes, a question will not be quite clear. For example, it may be a test on Bob Dylan and how many roads he walked down before he became a man, and how many roads will the average man have to walk. In these cases, it is strongly recommended that you pseudointellectualize and compare the question to at least one form of radical feminism. Note: You will not find these questions on a philosophy exam, as philosophy is a science.
Art[edit]
A question will never be clear. As a practical exam it might, for example, ask you to become a tree. Candidates must decide for themselves whether this is a literal command, something best answered in expressive dance or simply an invitation to prance around in dark glasses and wear a beret. This is a form of multiple choice, where the correct answer is c. Exam tip: for maximum marks storm out declaring that art was born free and should not be chained to examinations AND that you are proud to be a transvestite and are about to go off to dress up as a nun.
The Bonus Round[edit]
In this stage of an exam, candidates may be asked to answer quick-fire questions about current issues while having to dress-up in pantyhose and clown wigs. Slimey goop and confetti may also dumped on the examinee's head. Candidates may also play their "joker", which allows them to double their points for the current round.
Oral[edit]
This is the stage of the examination process during which one may be exposed to a thrilling tongue-lashing of a readhead (you know what I mean - stop pretending you don't). It is also in this phase that involves having to dress up in a french maid's uniform complete with red swastika armband in order to test one's abilities in facilitating an oral examination.
Final Exam[edit]
The word final originates from fine as suggested by Darwin's Theory of Evolution. Just like anus became anal. Einstein said to his sex slave that every final exam would be fine. Thus there is no need to stick with books before exam. Just go to a wild party.