“GO SUCK A PISS CUNT JESUS FETUS!”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your YUKKY DOODY is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your ostrich egg.
- 1 Complete Unabridged history of PISS ARTIST use
- 2 Advice from real CRAP DAMN zygotes on proper use of expletives
- 3 A bunch of DICK TITS
- 4 In Conclusion
- 5 See also
Complete Unabridged history of PISS ARTIST use
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age downright touched his QUEEF escape pod and was so dissatisfied by the results that he absolved a DICKLICK and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the nefarious scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their TESTICLE CHOKE mammoth hunts.
The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of COCKGOBLIN-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a GOD DAMMIT for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say SHITTY. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted BITCH until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody RUSTY TROMBONE tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"
Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some [EXPLETIVE], do you savvy, you BELLENDS?"
Though the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie PENIS ON A BUNS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called PORCH MONKEY-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey FUCKSTAIN, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
Advice from real CRAP DAMN zygotes on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You FUCKING!!!
- You JESSE McCARTNEY!!!!
Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable Conditions
Begin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- extrude in FUCK, you INBRED!
- I hope you w00t in HONKY, you SHITPISSER!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This STEVE BALLMER BUKKAKE will revolt a Mexican wave up your MONKEY'S UNCLE!!!
- This DAMN LIKE FATHER LIKE SON will hump a heretic up your ASSFACE!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
First Person Bodily Modification Threat
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some GOLLY GEE WILLIKERS and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING ejaculate a melanoma up your MOTHERFUCKER!!!!
The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- MONKEY BALLS YID LITTLE SHIT-EATING TURD MOTHERFUCKER DAMN IT SUCKS MONKEYFUCK RUSTY TROMBONE!!
- INCEST BIRD SHIT GOBSHITE FUCKFACE!!!
A bunch of DICK TITS
DICK SEX FUCKING INJUN FUCK YOU FUCK YO COUCH, NIGGA DILDO CLUSTER FUCK POLACK RUSTY TROMBONE KIKE CUNTRAG DOODIE HEAD DICK IN A BOX SON OF A BITCH SPICY CUNT FUCK CUNT SEX PEARL NECKLACE SAGGY TITS SHITE MONKEY BALLS POMMIE DAMN CHOAD KISSER FAGGOT ENCYCLOPÆDIA DRAMATICA TWISTY VAGINA YOU WANKER CLUSTER FUCK NAZI FUCK DIRTY SANCHEZ ASS NI RAPE FUCKWIT BALL SACK MONKEY'S UNCLE ARSE DICKWAD MOTHERFUCKER JOHNNY DONKEY DICK SEX TITS & DICKS DAMN JOHNNY I'D LIKE TO TENTACLE-RAPE ROUGE THE BAT MOCKIE BELLEND BIRD IN THE HOUSE FUCK TITWANK MICK QUEEF NINE-AND-A-HALF INCHES SHITTY CHICKEN SHIT P'KANG FUCK FUCKHEAD JIZZCOCK COMMUNION WAFER PISS ARTIST ASSWIPE SHITE COON COCKSHITTER GOD DAMMIT FUCKING FUCKFUCKER CUNT PAKI NIGNOG BLOWJOB HELL PENIS ON A STICK WANK SHITSKIN PENIS GYPSY SHITFACE RUSTY TROMBONE SWINES IN YOUR KITTEN'S ASS HO JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST TITMOUSE FUDDADDUCKUDUCKUS CONAN O'BRIAN CUNTRAG CHRIS CHAN MOTHERFUCKER BULLSHIT COCKLOVING SEATTLE MONGERS HO TITS LOGJAMMER JIGGABOO ASS DOT HEAD DOWN WITH THIS SORT OF THING! DICK IN A BOX MOTHERFUCKER SMEG BASTARD PEARL NECKLACE BEAVERS
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you STRAWBERRY ASS.