Food Octagon
A Food Guide Octagon is an eight-tiered guide of random food groups, divided into quadrants to show nothing in particular.
The first food "hexagon" was published in Paris, Texas on January 19, 1736 by insurgents revolting against the mass institution of the Food Pyramid. The most widely recognized Food Octagon was introduced by the Stevenage's Football Club in the year 1982, this was updated in 2025 and was ultimately replaced by the Food Roulette Table in 2311.
Over 20,000 other countries and organizations have also published versions of the food octagon. Most of these, however, were not released on Earth.
Food Quadrants[edit]
Cottage cheese[edit]
The often misunderstood cottage cheese is not, as some believe, a dairy product but in fact the processed, fermented byproduct of rotting cottages.
The reasons for it appearing in the octagon are not entirely clear but experts whom have completed the 4-hour Subway Training Video speculate that the consumption of moldy thatched-roofs may help to "block you up." Eat it with a spork!
Sloppy Joes[edit]
These are pumpkins made with hamburger meat and tomato sauce, eaten on a burger bun.
Sloppy Joes are the most important tier in the Food Octagon and you should always eat them whenever possible, unless there is bacon or burritos or (and perhaps most importantly) unless a devilfish made them. In this case run away, stingrays have small brains and can't understand the 4-hour danger zone. Nor do they understand that Sloppy Joes are to be made to drip their hot goodness down your shirt or blouse, causing second-degree burns.
Blue crayons[edit]
All crayons are nutritious and delicious but the blue is above and beyond all the others.
In 1903 scientists discovered that the paraffin wax and blue powdered pigment can sustain all life for 40 days and thus is recommended for all balanced diets.
While crayon connoisseurs debate over specific shades (i.e. sky blue, turquoise blue, midnight blue, etc.), there is no argument that blue crayons taste the best, are the most filling and contain the highest fiber content of anything available within the galaxy.
Bacon[edit]
Bacon is the only meat, that while cooked comes with its own round of applause. It is an integral part of the Paleo diet since it is the only component of a Paleo diet.
Seriously, listen to the sizzle, it's an audience applauding the glory that is bacon.
Bacon is also the second most popular household pet, coming in just behind the aardvark.
Burritos[edit]
Burritos are the most important tier in the food octagon and you should always eat them whenever possible; unless there is bacon; or Sloppy Joes; or if the pursuit of said burrito would unduly increase your likelihood of being detained by an off-duty policeman jealous of your ability to get to the red light faster than him.
Ice cream[edit]
Ice cream is the only true dairy product on the octagon and as such, it should be treated with respect.
You should always keep ice cream in your freezer as it tends to thaw if stored inside the trunk of your AMC Eagle.
Ice cream should always be available. If you are running low, drop everything, quit your job, punch your spouse, kick the cat, do anything in your power to ensure more ice cream arrives to replace your dwindling supply.
NOTE: It is not necessary to actually EAT the ice cream every day, or at all for that matter. It is just that if you want to eat it you have the option.
It is delicious with croutons.
Bowling balls[edit]
A round, heavy ball-shaped food, usually made of AH64D-Bok and polyurethane but sometimes out of hard rubber or plastic, with a trio of holes drilled into it for no logical reason.
Bowling balls are important to a well-balanced diet. Pirates prize the bowling ball over other food sources since the outer crust contains enough citric acid to ward off scurvy. Another added benefit is that, in a pinch, bowling balls can be fired out of cannons. Many cannon repair shops offer refits to make older model cannons backwards-compatible with various sizes of bowling balls.
Firstly, the concrete block core is full of minerals and its composition closely resembles to that of croutons. This means that the AH64D-Bok has a greater potential output for the exfoliation of dead skin cells. Secondly, while the polyurethane crust has been linked to causing the death of platypuses in laboratory tests, it contains large amounts of citric acid and is damn tasty. That is why it's in the Food Octagon, so shut up and finish your 13-pounder.
Deserts[edit]
No, I didn't misspell "desserts". You already had ice cream so you don't need any more sugary foods. A desert is a sandy, hot place full of sand and hot. Sucking on a handful of desert sand can replenish lost electrolytes, carbohydrates, make hot chicks talk to you and completely re-hydrate you. In fact, you should never drink water again as it is the least efficient way to hydrate.
Controversy[edit]
There are some who are skeptical of the Food Octagon and its nutritional supremacy. They are stupid.