George Best
| George Best | |
|---|---|
|
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| Political career | |
| Order | N/A |
| Vice President | N/A |
| Term of office | 3 years–N/A |
| Preceded by | N/A |
| Succeeded by | Pele |
| Political party | N/A |
| Personal details | |
| Nationality | N/A |
| Date of birth | 22nd May 1946 |
| Place of birth | Northern Ireland |
| Date of death | N/A |
| Place of death | N/A |
| First Lady | N/A |
“Why did they name Belfast Airport after George Best? It was the first place he went when he managed to get some money!”
Sir George of Best was a legendary football player, poet, drunk, shagger and liver-stealer who had a beard to rival Chuck Norris and impressed the world with his trademark skills of being able to kick a ball around on a bit of grass for a shitload of money and give women multiple orgasms from 50 yards away.
Early Life[edit]
George Best was born the son of Finn McCool who was a famous harmonica player in the local Belfast pubs.
His mother was a local seamstress who was a full time toothless mother of twelve. To help make ends meet in the economically deprived area of Belfast, she worked as a part time shoplifter.
George had eleven siblings, all of whom had ginger hair. As the only child missing the ginger gene, he was given opportunities not afforded to his Brothers and Sisters (ginger nuts were prohibited from attending schools in the United Kingdom until 1998). Thus, he had the benefit of a solid Irish education; four months in a brewery followed by one year work experience in an Irish joke factory.
George showed an aptitude for traditional Irish sport, but with the exception of window smashing, he was unimpressed by the range of sports on offer at that time (coal throwing, cat taunting and talking in high-pitched Irish tones).
On completing his education, he went on to invent football and change the face of the modern sporting era. He then proceeded to invent the drum, banner, pipe, and the colour orange.
Football[edit]
George Best's playng style combined balance, two-footedness and the ability to run really fast and kick a ball pretty well. He was also renowned for his ability at taking set piece kicks. His corner-taking ability rivalled that of the legendary Aryton Senna. Much of his playing style, stamina, and fleet footedness can be traced back to his early days, where, having swapped his bicycle for half a pint of lager, he had to navigate the derelict streets of Belfast on foot to deliver potatoes, Hail Marys and barking dogs to the local plebs.
After-match interviews[edit]
“I tough tat te manager touroughly trained te team troughout te week.”
His technique with the media has been held up as a shining beacon of eleoquence. Of note was his uncanny ability to pronounce any word containing a "th" as though it were "t".
His favorite word was 'shite', which he employed to describe everything other than himself.
International Football Career[edit]
Best represented Northern Iceland nine hundred and thirty six times. He eventually retired from the international game after the humiliating 3:1 defeat at the hands of the Dalai Lama charity XI. His Autobiography reflected on how disapointed he was with this particular result - especially as the opposition team was made up of three monks, six sherpas (who had never seen a ball before) a cripple, and one dead cat called Tiger.
England[edit]
After inventing Football and shagging the whole population of Ireland, he travelled to England to point out how they are all ugly, shite at football, and have shite accents.
While in England, he invented Manchester United and made them the greatest clothing manufacturer in the world. Following his invention of football and Manchester United, he realised that playing the game with a severed goats head as a 'ball' was proving to be somewhat impractical. Spectator injuries were common, and many of his teamates were maimed for life. Several alternatives were trialed in the search for a suitable replacement; Glass bottles, German Shepherds, peanut butter, shopping trolleys and bricks. One particular failure of note was the use of Rodney King (although this 'ball' would later be adopted by the LA Lakers). Finally, in 1836 George stumbled on the idea of using half an anvil painted blue. The modern 'ball' was invented.
Manchester united celebrated the game's giant leap forward by winning the European cup and selling a shit load more red shirts.
Following their 1941 FA Cup glory, Manchester United celebrated with the ritual sacrifice of 12 virgins, seven indian elephants and a Japanese exchange student. A media frenzy then ensued when it was discovered that George had later ground down the ivory and passed it off as kosher cocaine to visiting Israeli diplomats.
Following these events George was banned from football for three days, was forced to apologise to the Government of Israel, and sentenced to serve out 2 hours community service as a milkman. Being lactose intolerant, this punishment was particularly tough on George and the stress initiated his his lifelong love of getting smashed and shagging models.
America[edit]
Once George had exhausted the female population of the UK, he travelled to America to have sex with all their women and drink all their beer. Due to being educated in Belfast he could not think of any countries other then the ones starting with the letter A.
Best signed for the New York Red Bulls, primarily because this gave him unlimited access to free vodka mixers. His Red Bulls career was short lived, but his free scoring and insightfull play left as much of a mark at the club as his curry vomit stains and smashed windows. His success rate with women in New York left his goal tally of 35 in 40 games in the shade.
His proposal to allow guns on the field of play was debated by U.S. Soccer and rejected by a very narrow margin. Best felt this decision was a mistake and subsequently set fire to the Red Bulls stadium to make his point.
The Hollywood Years[edit]
Whilst in America Best met George Lucas (nobody) and began a steamy affair which resulted in Best being offered an acting role on the soon to be filmed Star Wars movie.
George played the part of John Key, an alien patron in the famous Cantina Bar scene. Best's Star Wars career was doomed after he (having consumed thirty eight vodka red bulls), refused to leave the set and insisted on "one more Space Shot" from the bar. The resulting alien punch up is one of the most widely discussed topics in Star Wars fan forums. Shouts of 'Dis music is fucking shite.. and 'dere's no fuckin' way I'm goin' ta tatooine on tat pile o' shite.. can clearly be heard during this scene.
His next foray into the world of acting was as a stunt man on the Bruce Lee movie 'Below the Belt'. His work on this project earned him an oscar for Best Costume Design at the 1971 Oscars. Best attended the ceremony, but was refused access to the stage after punching Raquel Welch in the face.
Return to London[edit]
Best eventually returned to London in 1782, and resumed his Football career with Arsenal. By this stage in his career, he could only manage three minutes playing time a week, followed by lengthy drinking sessions and brick throwing.
The early 90's saw the 'Britpop Revival'; a 20 second period where Britons actually thought bands like Oasis were popular. Best (due to his Father's harmonica talents), secured the management rights to a little known girl group called The Spice Girls. His tenure as band manager lasted three days before he resigned citing 'A need to explore the purity of music and artistry'. Sporty Spice later revealed that Best was asked to leave after continually touching their breasts while they slept.
With his football career drawing to a close, Best took various jobs; TV Football pundit, childrens entertainer, architect, computer programmer and butcher. With none of these occupations providing the stimulus he craved, he took up a full time job as resident alcoholic in a Chelsea pub.
Deciding that he was unable to complete this role to best of his ability with one liver, he paid off a local Pathologist and secured a second liver. Best vowed to take care of this second liver, which he kept in a box in his jacket pocket for a further fifteen years.
Best enjoyed many years of success as a raging alcoholic and shagger of women half his age.
Death[edit]
Once Best had ran out of English speaking women to have sex with, he invaded Afganistan and after taking on the Taliban at darts, drank himself to death.