Gun control in the U.S.
“Gun control is like Vatican Roulette: knowing when to shoot.”
“In America, gun control you!”
Gun Control is one of the 4 major issues in U.S. politics, along with flag burning, baby eating, and Mexican border-hopping. It has sparked much debate between the left-wing Socialist Hippie and Southern redneck factions both among civilians and in the United States Congress.
History[edit]
Gun Control has long been debated in the two houses of U.S. Congress. Since Americans like to sweep their own history under the rug (which is filled with war, slavery, and massacres of Native Americans), we will skip the entire history of gun control and instead go right to the post-2000 era, otherwise known as the "Dick Cheney missile craze". Notably some shootings are not illegal, according to Cheney's law, shooting your lawyer in the face during a hunting trip is not a crime if they choose not to file charges, like challenging someone to a duel, but without actually asking them.
21st Century[edit]
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After a brief hiatus at the beginning of the century, the Gun Control debate surfaced again to the forefront of U.S. politics when the Federal Assault Weapons Ban of 1994 expired. This caused the Hippies in Congress to clamor for an extension of the ban, simply because it went along perfectly with their radical agenda including Gay rights and protecting the environment.
The reason behind this failure to extend the ban was the NRA, an anarchist terrorism operation that gained significant political power by bribing politicians in Congress and educating a bunch of dumb hicks regarding new concepts such as "Constitutional rights" and "The Second Amendment". The NRA made sure that Assault Weapons would be allowed, arguing that hard-working Americans needed them for purposes such as "target shooting", "hunting", and "self defense". Other, smaller anarchist terrorism organizations such as the Gun Owners of America advocated even more reactionary policies, such as allowing hillbillies to carry guns next to schools. The reasoning given for this stance is that some of the hillbillies in question may actually be Vietnam War veterans with PTSD, in which case they most certainly should be allowed to bear arms near a school, as well as bear legs.
Shootings at public schools, private colleges, movie theaters, and other locations during this century have sparked renewed debate about the issue of Gun Control every time they happen. Most recently were the 2012 Aurora shooting in a movie theater in Colorado, and the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. Incited by these incidents, many Hippies, Communists, and Environmental Wackos have protested in favor of an assault weapons ban. However, such a ban would take away "'r' freedom and heritages" as stated by one Karenga County redneck. As a solution to this problem, NRA Vice-President Wayne LaPierre, has proposed the sensible idea of bringing even more guns to the picture, putting forth a program of combating "bad guys with guns" with "good guys with guns". This would then result in bad guys with bigger guns, good guys with still bigger guns, bad guys with guns bigger than that, good guys with bigger guns still than that, and so on. Some rural southern towns have already embraced this idea, arming local PTSD veterans with weapons to help protect our schools, because bigger is better. It is widely believed that rent-a-cops in the schools with guns is a great idea, because we all know what a great job they do with mall security. An alternate plan is to hire trigger-happy hillbillies to guard the kids, by shooting any adult who comes within 100 yards of the school, especially if they are male and not wearing a suit and tie; because men wearing suits and ties never shoot anyone, as we all know from evening mystery/crime TV shows, as well as the Godfather movie or Breaking Bad. Never mind that metal detectors don't work on plastic, glass, ceramic knives and diamond knives, and can be thrown through body armor. People talk about requiring armed teachers, janitors or principles in school, but no one calls for schools to have expensive medical facilities like universities, even though certain inner city and backwoods elementary schools have higher rates of STDs, drug addiction and mass murders; possibly because than the nurses office would be an excellent place to rob. Nor is allowing school nurses to administer anesthesia and blood packs like paramedics do to shooting victims an option to lower the death toll, when right now being a school nurse mostly just consists of getting lied to by your patients more than Dr. House, because the kids want a day off, and putting ice on the occasional sprained ankle, with the occasional diagnosis of flu, food poisoning, pink eye or chickenpox. An assault weapons ban would also give officers an excuse to arrest gun collectors for not handing over their possessions, which really should belong to the government anyways to pay for their share of the national deficit. Besides, they put out lots of lead bullets, and lead is bad for the environment unless you are a car built in the 1970s or before, in which case lead is quite welcome in the gas tank. Never mind that they can make plastic guns now so plastic bullets might soon be feasible, they'll complain about all the extra plastic in the environment after they're done complaining about the lead. Finally, environmentalists complain that shooting Bambi just isn't nice, and it is totally unfair to the deer to hunt it with an automatic weapon.
Regional and partisan divides[edit]
Views on gun control in the U.S. vary from state to state. There are three different types of states when it comes to this issue. First of all, there's the states of the Socialist Hippies mentioned earlier, who tend to restrict the sale of firearms in favor of other forms of entertainment such as pot, LSD, Heroin, tree hugging, and protesting. Next, there are the Conservative states, who compensate for their lack of a social life by allowing the sale of dangerous weapons that prove to be a wonderful form of entertainment. Finally, there are those rural, whitebread states, who are anti gun control because they want to own rifles and shotguns for hunting, but who vote Democratic because they're poor pieces of shit who want the welfare checks and are too lazy/uneducated to get a job like the rest of us. In fact, according to a recent study conducted by Irrelevant Statistics Inc., this demographic makes up over 75% of the nation's unemployed. Go figure.
Types of firearms[edit]
Guns are generally sorted into three different categories based on their uses. These categories are listed below.
"Long guns"[edit]
This refers to weapons used by hicks and rednecks to "go shootin' dose damn deer eatin' all o' ma corn". These weapons are designed for killing animals rather than people, which makes them morally sound for all of those southern Evangelicals to own. Since the people who use these guns were incapable of comprehending a more descriptive name for them, having on average only a fourth grade education, the term "Long guns" was coined.
Handguns[edit]
These guns are generally used for self-defense and minor crimes such as robberies, as they are too weak and inaccurate to actually hurt anyone. Many people still feel safer in their homes owning one. Robbers tend to fit them with large, intimidating twenty to thirty round clips so that they can threaten to miss twenty times and actually damage some stuff if all the cash isn’t handed over to them instead of just miss a few times with no effect.
Assault Weapons[edit]
These guns are generally the type used to commit major crimes (such as mass murders), and were intended for military use when they were created. However, they are currently purchasable legally in the U.S. in most states so that a bunch of rich boys can “play with their toys”. The Republicans in Congress make a compelling argument that if these guns were banned, the rich C.E.O.s not able to use them would experience lowered quality of life and have to raise their salary to compensate for this, meaning that there would be less money left in their companies for creating jobs. Some states continue to defy this sensible argument, calling it “illogical” and instituting assault weapon bans within their state. These states are justly labeled as “liberal” and “gay”.
See also[edit]
- Magnets: Fuckin' magnets, how do they work?!
- Gun control: Fuckin' gun control, how does it work?!