Hair loss

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Dr. Phil trying to convince the McDonald's staff that he in fact DID NOT eat the McDouble
A svelteDr. Phil before hair loss.
Dr. Phil after hair loss and additional castration.
Hare loss, tragic, but not to be confused with hair loss.

“Hair loss is whack”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hair loss

“You complete me!”

~ Oprah on Dr. Phil

Hair loss is literally the loss of hair, but is not to be confused with hare loss, a completely different matter.

History of hair loss[edit]

The Greek hair wars[edit]

Hair loss first originated in ancient Greece circa 900 BCE, where slaves were forced to remove all their hair. Once removed however, the hair seldom returned as it often migrated to colder climates to roost with other species. After these early signs of the disease, hair loss became a major fad between many species of hair. Note however, few cases of red hair surviving the migration have been reported, as they often sizzled & burnt before they could find another colony. Nationwide anarchy spread through Greece, with wars being declared on northern nations to retrieve the hair back. Scholars often refer to this time as the "Greek dark Ages" or the "Hair Wars".

However, a miraculous event occurred to cease the hair migrations; From Sparta rose one of the mightiest hairs to ever live, Haircules the Great. Haircules immediately took control of armies to the east & routed the opposing hair armies from the Red sea to the northern wastes. This epic series of events swayed the tide of the war & eventually, the migrating hairs returned to their homeland.

Hair loss from ancient times until the Middle Ages[edit]

After the Hair Wars, hair loss went into decline, with hairs becoming more comfortable their natural owners. In under arm & pubic regions, hair loss was at a minimal, while hair loss on the scalp was dropping at an alarming rate. By the late 1200's, hair loss was thought to have been eradicated & normalcy flodded over the world. In fact, nations in Germany & France, as well as other Mediterranian countries, were hairier than ever before & continue to be so.

Although this era was called the "Times of Hairy", it was also the prelude to a dark chapter in the history of hair loss & the war on it.

In 1347, Crabby Khan, a powerful Mongol hair from the east, invaded Europe to steal its hair. When the European hairs refused, he placed a single family of fleas onto a peasant's head, in order to freak out his hair so much it ran to Crabby Khan's side. However, Crabby Khan's plan backfired & the "Black Death" was born. This resulted in the death of over 40 million black hairs throughout Europe. Although there was still brown hair & red hair, the brown hair migrated to Britney Spears in her latest colour change &, well, nobody really wanted the red hair, so it migrated to the Saxons in England, who were all too drunk on ye ol' ale to notice this travesty.

Other unsuccessful movements that tried to follow in Crabby Khan's footsteps were the ill-fated "Hundred Hair's War" & the "'Merkin War of Independance", both resulting in mass cases of hair loss.

Recent history of hair loss[edit]

Hitler suggested eating watermelon to increase hair production. This is him saying the "..lon." bit of the word Vattermeelon.

The next big chapter in the story of hair loss was World War II. During this era, hair in the once hairy Germany, migrated to an unknown destination, later confirmed to be America with the hippies. Because of this mass hair exodus, the German people grew increasingly restless. Although Hitler tried his hardest to provide possible solutions to the problem, such as watermelon, his efforts were largely ignored. These hairless Germans became known in later years as the Neo-Nazis, & were often youth both angry & embarrassed at their hair leaving them.

However in the early 1940's, Hitler had an ingeneous plan to fix the hair loss problem & get some new territory at the same time, especially the much sought after Siberian wastes! Hitler held a large gathering outside of his parliament & announced that the German hair had not disappeared, but had instead migrated to the funny twirly bits of hair on the side of Jewish people's head. Public outrage ensued & soon the mass execution of Jews grew to enormous proportions.

Although Germany was set to win the war, America interviened & incited porpaganda that eventually ceased the slaughter. Documents retrieved from German archives suggest that the American's had dropped fliers that stated that the hair had in fact migrated to Hitler's moustache. This act eventually led to Hitler being killed in his own bunker.

The only film to actually document where the Germanic hair went is the American movie "Hair".

Hair now[edit]

Michael Jordan says slam dunks hair loss with other sufferers of the disease.

Hair loss now is being combated effectively, with new ways to savour hair being created hourly. Numerous stars & celebrities, such as Dr. Phil, Michael Jordan, Elmer Fudd, that annoying bald guy from the Late night show & Vince Vaughan, have all openly expressed their private battle with hair loss & how they strive to keep the world hair loss free. Now, hair loss has crept into a slump, with a moderate flow of cases being reported monthly.

How to keep hair loss at bay[edit]

The key to keeping hair on your head is simple; keep it happy. A happy hair is a friend forever. Give your hair massages & allow breathing holes in your helmets. Nothing stresses out a hair more than not being able to breathe. Arrange play dates with other hairs & brush your hair regularly to keep its self-esteem intact. Make sure that that the comb used isn't too sharp or prickly. This will lead to an annoyed scalp that will send the hair packing. The scalp isn't very appreciative of hair that gets the spiny comb. It pokes and prods the scalp, causing deep lacerations in the sternum that may lead to alien takeovers.

If you don't have the time to care for your hair all day, in New York, hair creches have been set up. There your hair will be able to explore the world of fun & play all day without stressing you out. Some hair creches even support nap times for your hair.

Be sure to choose the right watch dog for your hair. This example is the wrong choice.

Like an egg carton, every head has a bad egg. Although darker coloured hairs seem to be well behaved, blonde hairs always have more fun, & will often elope with exciting hair from other people. Be wary of the blonde hair. To keep these bad hairs in line, not just limited to blondes, you may enlist a variety of solutions:

1)You can spend the time gluing each of your individual hairs to your head. The process is simple, pluck out your hairs, glue them back in. Be sure to map out a simple diagram showing where each hair was taken from, as wrongly placed hairs will result in further hair unhappieness.

2)Hire a guard dog to tend to your hair. Sheep dogs are ideal, & will often round up escaping hair without being asked. However, you may choose a fatter dog which could just as easily keep those hairs in check by sitting on your head. Warning - This may cause suffocation.

3)Hold meetings with your hair frequently. Have a sit down & make sure you know what they aren't happy with. Items on the agenda could include: Are the holes in your new hat up to Hair title act, Clause 123.34 standards & regulations? Have the new hairs in apartment 37 signed the tenant's agreement? Who is maintaining the vacant apartment's? Did your girlfriend intentionally give you crabs last week?

For more information, consult your nearest hair specialist.


- Pulls out another book on how my life sucks...

- Blames all the problems on you

- Change! sounds like somewhere heard before... *cough* Barack Obama

- Has the affect of Blinding you with his shinny head

  • Dr. Phil is currently on his eighth season of his show "Dr.Phil" on television, twelfth season altogether if you count the four he was on Oprah.


  • Ben Dover. (1876). I'm at a loss for hair loss. Ol' Press Inc.
  • Chris Tal. (2006). Hair & the single mother. Really hairy books.