HowTo:Be a shoegazer
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
This article is a handy guide for becoming a top performer of the genre of music known as shoegaze.
How to build a shoegaze studio
Firstly, distortion. This could be done by either buying a really expensive guitar pedal, or by using a broken microphone. The worse the mic, the better.
Afterwards, a liberal amount of reverb needs to be applied, to soften up the whole mess. The next part: even more reverb. There is never enough reverb. Ever.
The last step is to make the whole thing louder. If your ears asplode, well done, you did it!
How to choose the perfect vacuum cleaner
Shopping for vacuum cleaners can be a daunting task, but fret not. They come in all shapes and sizes, with different price tags. The one Kevin Shields used in Loveless cost him $500,000. But be responsible, you can't use them if you don't pay your electricity bills (well, you could always tell your neighbor "sharing is caring"). Here is how you can choose the perfect one:
- Decide what color sound you want. This is a crucial step.
- Buy it goddamnit, stop wasting time.
If you still can't figure out how to choose one, don't worry, fate will eventually bring it to you. Just like it brought me back pain.
- Vintage 1959 Fender Dustocaster Supreme, in pink of course