HowTo:Get Out Of Military Duty By Convincing Them You're Mad
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It is a well known fact that in various countries, such as Germany, Engrand and others, conscription takes place. Conscription is where men (for some sexist reason) are ordered to join the Army and fight. They have no choice in this. It is sometimes referred to as slave labour. There are only a few choice ways to get out of this nasty fighting business, and these are:
- Convincing them (for the purposes of this article, "them" refers to the geezers who conscript you) that you are a Quaker or a Buddhist and are as such against violence. Obviously you could attempt this but if you fail the Quaker or Buddhist tests, you'll be shipped straight off to the front line. It also comes with the added humiliation of forever onwards being labeled a "Failed Buddhist".
- Convincing them you are too short for active service. Unfortunately this may require a hacksaw and a lot of pain.
- Convincing them you are much more useful in your current job, to help the country along. This may work if you are a doctor, not so if you are a serial killer.
- Convincing them you are mad, and should not be trusted with a gun. This, of course, should be quite easy, will have no long lasting repercussions on you. So here is how it is done.
Lesson 1: Your Entrance
This is vital. When you are called to your hearing, you have to give the impression of insanity from the very instant you walk in. Remember that first impressions are 50% of the work. (By the way, that statistic is completely made-up, a scientist told it to me.) So, how do you show off your cuckoo nature straight away? Here are several ideas:
- Enter the room on a donkey, waving to everyone. This is the I-Think-I'm-Jesus form of madness.
- Karate chop the door open. Once inside the room, give everyone a low bow. This is the I-Think-I'm-Jackie-Chan form of madness.
- Run into the room, notice that there are people there, scream and run away. Then re-enter, whistling. This is the Recovering-Quickly-From-Phobias form of madness.
- Walk casually into the room, notice a chair, and run over to it. Start talking to it like it is an old friend. This, the Friends-With-Inanimate-Objects madness, works very well if there is someone in the chair.
- Introduce yourself as the Supreme Lord of Jurassic Park, also known as the Klingon King. This is the Just-Plain-Weird form of madness.
- Walk in, and every second step make a sheep sound. This is the Obsessive-Compulsive-And-Possibly-Welsh disorder.
- Dress like a wizard and glide into the room making a wooshing noise with your mouth. Proceed to tell them that you are a wizard and can read minds. Spend the rest of the hearing trying to finish other people's sentences for them. Tell them that you cannot stay too long because you double parked your dragon. This is the I-Think-I'm-A-Wizard, Albeit-A-Shitty-One disorder.
- Walk in, holding the door open for your imaginary friend. Then ask for another chair, for you to sit down. This is the Imaginary-Friend mental problem.
- Enter a room with a skull, kiss it, then proceed to break-up with it in front of everyone, and end by saying that you are now in love with Hamlet Jr. of Denmark. This is the Shakespeare's Wiener disorder.
Lesson 2: Your Costume
- The best insane costume, is no clothes. If you go into the military ass naked, you're basically going to either be ass raped by that gay dude who cuts people's hair in the military, or you will be kicked out of the military for the rest of your life, because quite frankly, nobody wants to be in a fire fight with a dude whose dick is hanging out.
- Get a button that says "Palin '12!" on it. Anybody who likes Sarah Palin should not belong to any organized group, especially one that protects America and handles dangerous weapons.
- Assless chaps always work, no matter what the situation.
- Dress as a Samurai and insist on using your sword rather than the standard issue weapon. Tell them that killing someone with a gun or bomb is a disrespectful death for their foe. If they agree to let you join, chop up all of the furniture in the room. Tell them that you are training. Repeatedly tell them that you will bring them honor and that they need not fear ninjas. When no one is looking, set off fireworks indoors.
- Any Jonas Brothers shirts may get you kicked out, because anybody who likes the Jonas Brother who isn't a 12 year old girl is either insane, or just likes to listen to a bunch of 16 year old boys who's balls "STILL" haven't dropped yet sing about gay shit. If you're in the last category, then I geniuenly fell sorry for you. Not because your gay, but just because your ass is going to get so hazed, it isn't even funny!
- Last but not least, the "popped collar". This will so convince the military that your insane. If it doesn't, then you're just fucked, because only arrogant preppy assholes pop their collars, and Uncle Sam doesn't like it when douche bags pop their collar. Neither does Jesus, but you're more concerned about getting out of the military than impressing Jesus.
- Wear an animal costume to make them think you are a furry. If this does not work, find any nearby large animals and begin to yiff them. This worked better for me than the Jonas Brothers idea.