HowTo:Get a Mexican family

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Whenever you are in Mexico, it is vital to have a Mexican family. Family is one of the very few sources of honest dealings in the entire country, not that Mexican families are devoid of treachery. For the simple task of finding your way back to your hotel, even asking a stranger is not foolproof; to the good, he will get in the rental car and guide you there himself, but it will now be in a neighborhood you have never seen. On the other hand, your Mexican family will faithfully guide you back home. That way, they can keep an eye on you.

Finding your mate[edit]

Salma Hayek is available for fantasies and plumbing re-work.

To find a Mexican woman, first remember that Mexican women don't like to be called "Mexican women" but latinas (in Mexico: una mexicana). They do not mind that a on the end that signifies femininity. So don't go with "latinx" or "latin@." Those are for American LGBT activists, not for latinas.

Latinas appreciate strong men. To prove you are a strong man, find a job working in construction. Don't worry if you are afraid of heights; high-rise buildings in most Mexican cities are those with a second story. Convince the boss that you are a hard worker, don't like to take lunch breaks, and don't mind working overtime without overtime pay. Just the first of these puts you in Mexico's 90th percentile. Show you can lift 50 to 75 pounds; the more, the better. There are no advanced building materials that need to be carried; just concrete and cinder block. If you can only lift 50 pounds, convince the boss you are a fast worker. Show him your best impression of Speedy Gonzales. The running, not the wisecracking.

If you fail at all this, stand outside a home improvement store with a sign that says "Looking for work!" You will soon find work that will build up your muscles. Do not be perturbed that the sign means you can do the work. Such worries will slow your Mexican assimilation. Just be sure they pay you in cash the minute the work is done, and keep in mind that most people who hire workers with signs are not interested in providing you any kind of repeat business. This will also familiarize you with the custom of working under the table.

Once your job has built up your muscles, you must go where the Mexicanas are. Mexican restaurant-bars are a great place to pick up Mexican women. Arrive fashionably late, which in Mexico means 9pm. Your quarry is in the bar and your mission is to lube her up. If she is drinking Margaritas, make sure their Margaritas are not virgin. Regarding herself, never even ask. Buy her a drink, or several. She may then let you take her home. Keep in mind, young beautiful Mexican women tend to be sassy. They are not as bad as Ecuadoreans, but hide the kitchen cutlery.

If you don't want a sassy woman, find an older Mexican woman. She appreciates the attention more, and her eyesight might have waned so as not to notice your own waning physical shape. Use your best pick-up lines on her. If she does not whack you with her cane, you are winning. (Please keep in mind that whining is not the same thing as winning despite the similar appearance of the words.)

If nothing else works, take heart that you have two winning assets:

  • By reading the English-language Uncyclopedia, you show that you can speak and sing in what, for your target Mexicana, is an exotic and romantic foreign language, no matter if your accent is Elmer Fudd New Jerseyan or toothless-rube Southern.
  • And you are probably a citizen of the United States, the biggest heart-melter of all. Whether or not you have a patriotic streak, a stars-and-stripes necktie or lapel pin will get you a babe quick.

If seeking a Mexican man, get in good physical shape. Dieting doesn't hurt to get that ideal hourglass shape. Mexican men don't care as much about your occupation as long as you are earning money.

Make an effort to look good, with recently washed and pressed clothing, clean and dry hair, and perfume that has a hope of competing with his. Be careful not to give him the impression that you would require him to work more than he does once you are married. However, men typically underestimate the cost of cosmetics, lotions, designer perfumes, bikini waxes, manicures, fancy clothes, polished leather and/or high-heeled shoes, and even pink razors for shaving your legs, so feel free to take full advantage of this fact.

Mexican men usually hang out in the bars or nightclubs. Look around, then pick your target. Make sure he is not surrounded by too many male friends. If he is, there is a good chance he will prefer their company (until closing time).

Courtship[edit]

Mexican men traditionally dress-down for their weddings, not even putting on a clean bandolero. It is a sad day.

Courtship is Mexican for dating. Mexicans court. They do not date and would rather nail themselves to a Piñata than "hook up". This is because most of Mexico lives in the early Twentieth Century, though outside metropolitan Mexico City significant parts live in the Nineteenth Century and much of the rest living as unregistered immigrants in California and Texas. The best courtship (el Corte Supremo in Mexican Spanish: Español Mexicano) must be old-fashioned, starting with the presentation of flowers, followed by a visit to a nice restaurant, but not just coffee (which means you just want to be friends), or KFC (which not only shows you are either stingy or underage, but is also messy).

Call ahead to make sure the restaurant does not take reservations, since you don't want your Mexicana to see you being turned away. Find out what kind of movies she likes. Be prepared to sit through a sappy romance or a ditzy kids' movie without cynical comments, smugly thankful that you're not attempting to start an Indian family and are, therefore, spared Bollywood spectaculars. Above all, be calm once it seems that she is not paying much attention to the movie, even if she spends much of it texting. Yes, she may be texting another suitor, but she is equally likely to be texting girl-friends (offering the exciting prospect of a threesome), or controlling her drug-cartel.

Show an interest in anything she is interested in even if it's wildly implausible: soap operas, even less credible wrestling and Youtube make-up tutorials. Surprise her. Show up at her workplace unexpectedly but don't wear anything formal unless you want to be known as "that tuxedo guy". Who knows? She may have a female boss who is even sexier. Go to the same places she goes to, especially when she doesn't know you will be there. Stalking is only a misdemeanor in Mexico and she will soon get used to your company. Either that, or she will spice things up with a bit of pepper spray and call the police. On the other hand, if you are into masochism, the police might be exactly what you are looking for with a pair of beautiful shiny handcuffs and possibly an "interesting" cellmate.


Dreamy, isn't he?

When dating a Mexican man it is important to understand his priorities. Money can't buy him happiness but it can buy him beer, which is much the same thing. Bring the object of your affections beer and he may notice your presence once he's finished it. Beer is an essential element of any sports game in Mexico just as it is in the US. How else can one expect to get through nine innings of a baseball match without thoughts of self-harm? Remember, Mexican men are frugal, only partly because they are dirt-poor. Don't suggest a fancy restaurant if he is paying. In fact, you can impress him by paying for your movie ticket while he pays for his. You can impress him more by gaining free entry for both of you by reminding the owner of the cinema who your father is, who your father’s friends are, and How little interest they have in the sanctity of human life.

Show you would be useful as a wife by treating him to a home-cooked meal. If you are good at cleaning but not cooking, invite him over for a DVD movie over a pizza and bag the trash; that's a semi-useful wife. Show interest in his interests. Go to the same places he goes to. Call him on the phone frequently. Incessantly. Obsessively. If he doesn't emigrate to the United States to escape you he may be a keeper.

Meet the family[edit]

Meet your father-in-law. Break bread or break legs, depending on how it goes.

Whether you are useful or semi-useful, now comes the acid test: A home-cooked meal for him and his parents. Family is of utmost importance to a Mexican. The goal is not just to meet and converse but to get the parents to approve of your home and living style, or at least to keep them from preventing your mate from ever seeing you again.

Here are some quick pro tips:

  • Discreetly find out whether the prospective father-in-law works for the civil service. If so, find out which newspaper supports the ruling party and be sure today's edition is on the coffee table.
  • Even if he works in the private sector, do not view the event as a chance to diffuse your United States political enlightenment. Avoid giving monologues on the dangers of corruption.
  • Learn the roster of the city's futbol team. Note that futbol means soccer. If in doubt, brush up on what soccer is. It is important to remember that, outside the United States, football is a game played with the foot. I know, confusing, isn’t it.

If the event is a sleepover, ensure that the in-laws' room meets all Hilton/Marriott standards for cleanliness, absence of odor and pet hair, and fastidious provision of all the oddities they might want to have. Do not inventory afterward. Your hair-drier disappears? So what? You can get another. And your prospective mother-in-law will remember you fondly every time she uses it. The loose floorboard in the bathroom hasn’t been properly replaced and your collection of vintage Japanese, furry porn is missing? This is a dilemma. Your prospective father-in-law knows that you’re a pervert. And he knows that you’re a pervert. Worse, he knows that you know that he’s a pervert. What to do? Is he a nobody? Result! Blackmail him. Is he rich and powerful, with ready access to automatic weaponry and enough concrete to bury you in the foundations of a new apartment block? Awkward. Try to make yourself useful to him; import whatever weird erotica he likes, take him to that special club you’re never taking your fiancé to, introduce him to Madame Fifi in the downstairs apartment. Her massages never leave anyone without a happy ending.

Finally, no matter how good-in-bed your partner is, put it off for just this one night. There will be occasions when you have to. (Imagine your frustration when their bus back home is cancelled and they have to stay an additional night!) And just imagine their dismay at listening to their daughter screaming your name, then just screaming when you inadvertently forget hers.


If you pass this test, there is yet a greater test ahead: A repeat performance at the in-laws' own home. You cannot say no. You cannot arrive late, or drunk. You cannot disparage anything (even with your eyes). You ought not even comment on how much easier something-or-other is done in the United States.

Make friendly, polite small talk with each member of the family, even the ones who seem to hate you. If you are not sure what to say, just answer "Bueño" to every single question. If you hear the word "aqui" drink your water (aqua). If you hear the word gringo bandied about, just remember, no hablas español.

When the meal comes, be sure to do it justice, especially that special spread, even when they admit that it is bone marrow. Say, "Really? I don't believe I've ever had that before." However, you don't need to add the salsa that has probably been sitting on the table in that uncovered jar all week; and if after-dinner drinks come with ice you suspect is from local tap water, after the toast, take your glass into the living room and discreetly feed the cubes to the potted plants. Little of the bacteria would have been on the surface of the cubes, so you can enjoy the drink.

Become the ideal mate[edit]

Last snog with Jesus.

If the family approves of you, they will teach you how to become the ideal mate - rich and fecund. Should your funds and/or sperm-count not match up to parental expectation, fear not - your potential spouse's family know a man who can acquire as many babies as may be required and can smuggle you across the Rio Grande to a life of unimaginable wealth picking tomatoes for a fat Gringo who probably won't shoot you much. Listen to your mate's parents as if they were your own - more than your own, if you know what is good for you. Would your own parents approve of you marrying a senorita with such a luxuriant moustache? Or a novio with with such disappointing buttocks?

In many cultures it can be difficult to gauge whether possible in-laws really approve of you. Not so in Mexico. In the moment you gain family approval they will begin planning the guest list, writing the gift registry, measuring you for a wedding suit, deciding on flowers and stockpiling tequila. You may have a dream wedding in mind that you have been fantasising about since infancy, but they were but childish dreams. This is a family event. Your input is neither required, nor welcome. You may want a small, intimate ceremony on a sun-kissed beach, overseen by a humanist celebrator. But if you indulge your dream, what are your in-laws going to do with the eight hundred invitations they have already printed? Booking the Metropolitan Cathedral de la Asunción de la Santísima Virgen María a los Cielos didn't come cheap. And What is the Cardinal Priest of Santi Fabiano e Venanzio a Villa Fiorelli going to do with his weekend if you leave him hanging? To say nothing of the eighty five choirboys, dozen maids of honour, or the marching-band of the Presidential Guard. Sure, Mexico has atheists and Jews. But the place is 97% Roman Catholic, so ditch the tefillin and put small ideas out of your mind. It's possible to enjoy a formal wedding where you are buying food and drinks for five hundred people you have never met. And if you can't enjoy it. No worries. Everyone else will enjoy it. They're not paying. Unless you count the wedding gifts that probably cost them at most about an hour or two of wages, or were handed down to them once the instruction manual was misplaced. Yes, wedding gifts are a wonderful thing: you will probably even have a spare toaster, three matching plates and saucers, a rosary, some unidentifiable objects, a vacuum, two spare blenders, a picture frame to burn the date into your mind, and a handmade quilt with seven "Hail Marys" embroidered on it once you finish opening everything. One of your guests may have even conveniently left the price tag on to let you know how just how generous they were.

You know the family's approval is solid when they subtly badger you to have children, and then begin to detail exactly how they should be reared. Now your plan is foolproof, because both condoms and contraceptives throughout the country have been tested to comply with NOM (Optimal Mexican Norms) by lab technicians who cannot be bribed, and your partner's promise to have taken precautions is just as reliable. If you should fall out of favor with your new in-laws, you will find you have created a Mexican family of your own.

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