Indiana Jones

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Dr. Henry Mississippi "Indiana" Jones, Jr. (born July 1, 1899) is widely renowned as the greatest archaeologist of the 20th Century Fox, and a widely unrecognized veteran of World War II and the Cold War. His exploits have been the subject of a successful movie quadrilogy by George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. Among Jones's more famous discoveries are: the Lost Ark of the Covenant, the lost city of Kathmandu, the Holy Grail, the chicken that crossed the road, and the withered skulls of crystal aliens.

Indy's stormy relationships with his half-brother Solo and father Henry Sr. were the subject of constant tabloid speculation. Tabloids, in the 1930s, were all run by closet-Soviet spy extraordinaire George "Mac" McHale, and were more stalker-like than today's docile paparazzi.

The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles[edit]

Jones was born in 1899 in Princeton, New Jersey to a normal Scottish Jewish immigrant family. His father, Henry O'Connor Jones, Sr., was a usually docile man who occasionally rode out on his steed and killed an Indian or two, selling their hides to townspeople for a quarter. Henry Jr.'s nickname "Indiana" was derived from his father's routine Indian killings.

O'Connor had bedded Indy's mother Heather, allowed her to have his baby, and then fed her to snakes. This led to Jones being a fragile and depressed young one, and not to mention caused a rift in his relationship with his father; many biographers attribute his early signs of ophidiophobia to his mother's murder. Jones spent his time crying, writing poetry, and developing a sadomasochistic fetish in which he used a brown leather whip to pleasure himself. Indiana's other strained relation, that being with his brother Solo, began at the age of 12, when a shipment of Indy's precious fedora hats and leather coats being shipped by Walter Donovan the Hutt were suddenly dumped at the first sight of a British Imperial ship. Solo, who did not realize this hurt his brother, stated "Even I get boarded sometimes."

Indiana Jones and the Typical University-level Dig[edit]

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Later in life, Indy decided he wanted to be an archaeologist. He founded Indiana University and led a raid on Purdue University, where he robbed the grave of its founder. In retaliation, Purdue students stole Indy's hat and put it in their museum. This caused a deep-seated rivalry between the two universities-named-after-their-relatively-uninteresting-founders for ages untold. Many students said to Jones that he should be out having fun, seeing as "Adventure" was his middle name (showing what little college kids know, since it was actually "Mississippi"), but he insisted upon staying for a while, before eventually setting off on his famous adventures to reclaim some lost artifacts.

Indiana Jones Enters the Temple of Imminent Peril[edit]

Indy's friend Short Round guards Indy's camp. Notice how the stock is shoved under his armpit... he's how old again?

In 1935, Jones suffered from nightmares of being lost in an ancient North Indian temple while fighting all kinds of animals (specifically snakes, barracudas, monkeys, parrots, and iguanas) of all kinds of colors (specifically silver, blue, green, purple, and orange); many of his most snake-influenced poems were written about the temple. Eventually Indiana decided to leave his drunk father and smuggler brother behind to find the temple which apparently held the key to his fate. Indy bought passage to India, the ancient lands of the curry, as a favor from his half-brother Solo. Solo was smuggling spice to Pankot, because Walter Donovan the Hutt was stockpiling drugs there to build "a wretched hive of scum and villainy"; ironically, the area was called Mos Eisley in the 1930s.

After having booked his ship to the temple, Indiana begun to have longer dreams and visions. He saw a great stone man testing him before he could unlock the temples secrets. Jones arrived in North India shortly after, as Solo's ship the Centennial Hawk was able to make the run in under 12 parsecs (a 1930s term for half-weeks). Jones used his mind to guide him to the Hidden Temple and found it with ease, but the temple was sealed. Before the great gateway lied a massive stone head, which began to rumble and talked to Indy. Although it is unclear as to what he said, scholars maintain that the head, known only as Olmec, told Indy that he could only enter the temple after defeating his minions in three rounds of challenges.

The first round, in which Indiana ran across the moat, was easy because all the other competitors — the colorful beasts of Indiana's dreams — were ridiculously nonathletic. In the next sequence, Indy is said to have bested the minions in a quiz on a legend Olmec had only just repeated to them; Olmec even asked the questions in multiple choice form. Then Indy only had to beat the minions in some random challenges inserted to make the entire encounter only last from 20–30 minutes (by historians' estimates), and then he was given two pendants of life with which he could finally enter the temple and retrieve "The Walking Stick of Harriet Tubman".

The choice was Indy's, and Indy's alone. His heart racing, Jones entered the temple, raced through the crypts, ran across the troubled bridge, climbed through the heart room, and then reached the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. The Shrine contained three pieces of a silver monkey and a dais, which appeared to hold a statue and could be penetrated by a key of some kind. The monkey's head had a long, hard shaft which went down it and the torso and base respectively also could be penetrated by a shaft of some kind. In frustration, Indiana tried to insert the shaft into the dais' key hole at multiple different angles, but ultimately could not put the puzzle together (Lara Croft was absent and could not be reached). Finally, Indy realized the vicious temple guards were after him, so he cast away the stupid statue and went a different way before time ran out. Unfortunately, he then got caught by a pretty obvious Temple Guard who was in a tree disguise in the swamp, and in the end, could not recover the the Walking Stick.

Indiana Jones and the Robbers of the Holy Site That Was Hidden from Plain Sight[edit]

In 1936, Jones was tasked by General Jock Lindsey with locating the mythical lost Ark of the Covenant and saving it from the Nazis, as part of a secret ploy to win the war. Jones, tired out from being chased by a giant boulder on a previous adventure, took on the job, but not before going on a well-deserved boy's night out with his half-brother Solo in Nepal. Jones's girlfriend, Marion Ravenwood, stalked him there, seeing if Solo was really a girl in man-drag.

Unfortunately, the scheming 150 pounds of Nazi black trenchcoat trouble known as Arnold Toht followed Marion, hoping not only to protect the Ark's location from Dr. Jones, but also to mack on her with a steaming-hot poker. Jones disarmed the ghastly man and tortured Toht with Jewish propaganda films until Toht revealed the information that continued the plot of this story. It turned out that rival French archaeologist Rene Belloq, fed up with losing to Jew Jones, decided to team up with the Nazis and find the Ark of the Covenant to prove to his deceased parents that he really was worth something after all. Before Jones could thwart Belloq's plans, two Nazi spies sprung into action from out of a beer barrel, capturing Jones, Solo, and Ravenwood in a flash and tying them to a pole with the skills they learned in Jünge Scouts. The bar collapsed, revealing the Ark, Rene, and 1,488 Nazis stormtroopers. Rene held up a bottle labeled "Jones' virginity" and announced "Hon hon hon, Dr. Jones! Once again, vwe zee zat zere iz nothing you possess zhat I cannot take away!" Jones screamed in horror while Solo burst into laughter.

Indy only wished all stormtroopers were so eager.

The Nazis started to do Hammerzeit in victory, including Rene, but he then clumsily bumped into the Ark and accidentally unleashed the wrath of God on the Nazis and himself; you see, God isn't too happy when someone bumps into a gold box containing Da Rules. God melted the stormtroopers' faces, resulting in the distinctive white plastic face borne by stormtroopers to this day (pictured right). Luckily, Indiana and Solo survived by closing their eyes, while Rene was fried because he thought the experience would change his life and watched the first thirty seconds of it before being melted down into two very expensive Gucci high-heels. Jones picked up the heels and decided to sell them to any Starbucks-dwelling hipster who wanted them. Later, Marion and Indy nearly got married, but Indy blew it off at the last second, albeit not before knocking up Marion, and she would instead marry Colin Williams. When Solo asked Jones, "You're not sad about leaving her?" Jones replied "NO, because she was pregnant. Short Round's the only kid I need."

Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail[edit]

"I thought you had it Junior."

In 1938, Jones's father Henry Sr. was kidnapped by Nazis while searching for the Holy Grail, and Indy had to go save him despite their strained relationship. In Venice, Italy, Jones met his old friend Marcus Brody and token love interest Dr. Elsa Schneider, and they went to rescue Indy's dad at Castle Brunwald, Germany. Jones then packed his revolver, love whip, and fedora, and headed to the airport with the others. The group boarded the plane (if this happened in America and in the present, the TSA would've assaulted them for their luggage), and left for Hatay. Arriving at the Canyon of the Crescent Moon, the group was joined by Indy's childhood digger-friend Sallah. Indy nearly gagged on the heavy pollution in the air and guessed that it was the first trap in the series of pitfalls that guarded the Grail, so he rolled about on the ground, trying to dodge the air toxins while looking like Hannibal Lector with his legs cut off. He somehow rolled into the Lost Temple of the Holy Grail, which was a very fortunate coincidence indeed, but fell down a mine shaft in the process.

After having a dream about black mambas while unconscious, Dr. Jones awoke, face-to-face with the Holy Grail... which was guarded by a rather elaborate arrow trap. Memorizing his skills from playing Pitfall on the Atari 2600, Jones looked all around for a red button and joystick, but there was none to be found. Instead, Jones decided to avoid the arrows the best he could. While walking to the Grail, he felt sharp pains in his back, which he concluded was his scoliosis acting up again. By the time he reached the Grail, he had fifty ancient (and rather filthy) Turkish arrows implanted into his back. Jones thought nothing of it and grabbed the thing, which oddly looked like what would later be known as a Rubik's Cube.

Suddenly, a large explosion rocked the temple and none other than Walter Donovan the Hutt, along with some 2,976 Nazis, emerged from the smokey rubble. "Dr. Jones! Neek meebo chawa wermo, ho ho!" the Hutt announced. "The Grail, please," he demanded in Huttese; Jones handed over the requested item in sorrow. "Once again, Dr. Jones, we see that there is nothing that you can posses that I cannot take away! Ho ho ho!" the creature bellowed as he slid away. As it turned out however, this was a False Grail planted by Elsa; Donovan screamed in horror as he rapidly aged and was sacked out of life. Suddenly, the temple began to collapse, and the Real Grail fell into an abyss, with Elsa dying as she dived after the Grail. Indy, his dad, Sallah, and Marcus escaped the temple and returned home with fifty arrows in their backs. Indy asked his dad why he was searching for the Holy Grail, to which Indy Sr. said he was originally looking for the Puzzle Cube of Colors, but got sent the wrong coordinates. "I was going to use it to confuse Hitler and frustrate him with its complexity, making us win the war," explained Indy's dad.

Indiana Jones and the Nursing Home of the Senior Discount Buffet[edit]

Indiana Jones: So badass, he sets crystal skulls aflame with just a crack of his whip!

In 1957, Jones went off on another one of his brilliant adventures, this time in a Cold War setting. He uhh... battles the terrible evil of... uhh... Russians and... CGI gophers, CGI giant spiders, CGI swinging monkeys, and CGI nuked refrigerators. He also meets Marion again and finds out that his bastard son that he impregnated her with is Shia LaBeouf, giving Indy an annoyingly "hip" co-star half his age, but twice his hairline. Indy also meets his old aforementioned Soviet spy pal George "Mac" McHale, who keeps backstabbing Indy then redeeming himself then backstabbing Indy then redeeming himself every few minutes.

The Russian Lady getting evaporated by the aliens.

Indy and pals have to find all thirteen crystal skull alien McGuffins in a race against the Russians. In a temple in Brazil, the skulls are all put in place, and temple begins to collapse as the aliens evaporate the Russian Lady who Indy was fighting. Indy and friends escape but Mac wastes too much time collecting treasure and dies. The temple collapses and a giant flying UFO flies away, then Indy and Marion get married, and Indy hints at retiring and passing his business down to Shia. OK fine, I wasn't really paying attention to the plot. I was too busy dozing off in the theater. Hey, you'd fall asleep too if you had to see this superfluous clear-coated disaster of an installment.

Legacy[edit]

Jones's life story was later discovered and told in the 1980s by filmmakers Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. Spielberg and Lucas decided to make documentaries about Indiana Jones, whose hobbies included fighting snakes, slaughtering Nazis, and pretending to teach history in a poor attempt to popularize academia. Nevertheless, these attempts have largely been highly successful; Spielberg's definitive work, Indiana Jones's Guide to Snakes, Nazis, and Pottery Arrangement, has sold almost as well as his most popular big-screen movie, Jurassic Park, the touching story of autistic man "Forrest Jurassic" as he sits in the dinosaur park he bought after getting rich off of an incredible series of coincidences.

Today, Dr. Jones teaches archaeology at Not-So-Grand View College, where he has authored such publications as A Site-Looter's Guide to Mesoamerica, Explosives in Archaeology, It's Never Too Late To Steal an Idol, Whip as a Method, Kinky Archaeology With Indy and Marion, X Never Marks the Spot, and Archaeologist's Guide to the Galaxy. He is currently pursuing a black belt in several forms of farm tool-based martial arts.

The state of Indiana and George Lucas's pet dog Indiana were named after Jones, not the other way around. The slang term "Jones" (i.e., "I'm Jonesing for some Indiana Jones right now!") comes from Indy's addictive personality, and his five-pack-a-day smoking habit, resulting in his current saddle-esque face.

Personality and powers[edit]

Indy wears a fedora hat which is the source of his youth and power. He also wears a leather jacket which regulates the unlimited power of his hat. When his iconic hat is removed (which rarely happens because it is symbiotically connected to his head), he is reduced to the power of a normal human being and he has to use guns to kill Nazis (and snakes). If his jacket is taken off rather than his hat, his power goes off the chart and he can put his fist through a brick wall and then through a Nazi's head on the other side of the wall. Unfortunately if his jacket is removed for too long, his flesh deteriorates into an elderly saddle-like texture similar to how he looked in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Jones is unique, not only because he's a Jewish tough guy, but also because of his stubborn insistence on using farm implements — most notably a whip — as weapons. When he was young, Indy's father regularly forced him to sweat pure testosterone by teaching him to crank that whip. Ever since then, Indy hasn't thought twice before whipping open someone's throat and drinking their blood. He also invented a new musical instrument dubbed "Whip Pipes" (a.k.a. Jones' Folly) by plugging a cathedral organ with a whip. Currently he is only known virtuoso of this instrument.

See also[edit]