January

January was elected the first month of the year in the year 2 AD. When it was finally impeached around 5 thousand years later, after a nasty conflict with November (see below), it wandered around the fourth dimension for many years, drinking heavily. It was later found, cleaned up, and elected the 52nd state, after some confusion.

Before January was made into an official month, Rio de Janeiro in Brazil was called Rio de Febrero. In fact most Brazilians still refer to January as February, making April the new March and June the new May. With all months being moved ahead, it became difficult for the Brazilians to tell which season it was, which is why they now celebrate Christmas in the middle of summer and Halloween at the beginning of Lent. All this has made January not at all a popular in Brazil!

Battle of January

The following conflict was recorded on live TV for all to see in the dicksmack year of 4629, although unfortunately almost everyone who watched it suffered spontaneous head implosion. Watching higher-dimensional beings do battle will do that to you. Luckily, we were able to obtain a copy of the second-dimensional recording, in the form of a transcript.

“ January, nearly beaten, clutching its time-woven chest, days hanging in tatters off its bones, staggers back a few steps. November chuckles maniacally to itself. Then, a harsh growl, "So, January, you thought you had the chronoballs to go up again me, didja?"

January tightens its grip on its time-mace, breathing heavily. "No, November," it whispers, spitting hours, "This isn't for me ... This is for all the months."

It darts forward, screaming, with every word a full-strength mace-based-hack at its foe. "This is for May!" BASH "This is for February!" CRACK "This is for October and March, collectively!" THUD WHACK "And this is for April, my one true love!" CRUNCH

January looks down, down at the bloody corpse of November. January gasps pathetically, digs its fingers into its chest, and falls to the ground.

”

The newscaster smiles and turns to the camera. "Well," he begins, "You have just witness the hilari- horrible, sorry- death of November. Time-Space Fabric Paramedics are on their way, but we will have to see what will become of January and the survivors of the November family in the days to come." He then smiles at the camera and says, "Next up we have the Cthulhu Kitty! How is that possible? Well, here's the Cthulhu hubby and his little lady, the cat that wasn't afraid to say, 'Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!'.

See Also

• Summer
• List of January Anniversaries
• White History Month