John Entwistle
“John Enwistle kicks ass!”
“Who?”
John Alec Entwistle (9 October 1944 – 27 June 2002) (or something like that) was in this band called The Who. He was probably best known for his amazing bass guitar skills. Like, the man could make his instrument cry for mercy. He was both the Greek and Roman God of Bass, and at the birth of Hercules he was solely responsible for the sound track. He also wrote the bassline to every song in the history of the universe.
Summary of Life[edit]
John was born. John got older. John got a trumpet. Then a whole bunch of shit involving a nose on a stick happened and The Who was formed. The band got famous. The band made money and Tommy, Quadrophenia, and Who's Next. John bought a house and shares in Microsoft. Around then he decided to amuse himself by using his gold records for skeet-shooting. Unfortunately, although he is a god at bass, he is a terrible shot. So he bought a bigger gun each time he missed. By the time he was using a howitzer, he gave up and shot the records in mid-air by pure concentrated bass-playing. The result caused all bystanders to go completely blind and grow breasts 3-4 times the size of their heads. Then he toured with the band a little bit more.
Then Keith Moon died.
Then The Who got a new drummer. Then they sacrificed the new drummer to Cthulu while Keith laughed his ass off in heaven. Then they stopped making music. Then Entwistle made some bitchin' solo albums. Then the old band got together again. Then they toured several thousand times.
Death[edit]
John became too powerful a bass player. And one day, God heard his bass, and was jealous. And God said "No." And then John Entwistle died.
The end.
...or was it?
John Entwistle still alive?[edit]
On the day of the "death", the body was so disfigured that it could not be identified. Shortly after the rest of the band arrived, they heard a stunning bassline being played nearby that they could only think of as John Entwistle's work. It stopped shortly after, and nobody knew exactly where it came from or who caused it (though many Zepheads insist it was actually a drunken John Paul Jones who had stumbled onto the funeral on his way to some naval battle.)
In 2008, sightings of John were reported far and wide. They were never corroborated.
However, while on his way to kick somebody's ass, Chuck Norris saw John personally.
"I'm thinking, 'Who is this guy? I'm gonna kick his ass,' and I noticed it was John friggin' Entwistle! He's alive, I swear!"
John then swiftly fired a beam of pure bass power at Chuck that blew him to the planet Kepler-22B