John Gay

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“HA-HAA! His name is GAY!”

~ Captain Obvious on John Gay

“Wanton strumpet!”

~ Oscar Wilde on John Gay
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about John Gay.

Jonathan Julian Sparticus Valyrie Gay (30 June 1685 – 4 December 1732) was a fabulous English playwright from the 17th century who wrote amusing plays such as The Beggar's Opera, which depicted the vile treatment of women at the hands of diabolical villains and corrupt law-enforcers and how they took refuge in the arms of noble, honourable, heroic thieves, in other words, smooth-talking, pre-ASBO generation pimps.

He is a friend of Albus Dumbledore and is said to have written the script of Harry Potter the Musical ("Look at me, I'm Harry. P, little mister sorcery, won't get in bed till I'm legally wed, I can't, I'm Harry. PEEEEEEEEE!!") and reputedly co-wrote the first script of High School Musical with Septimus Pretorius.

John Gay is an infidel!

Early life[edit]

Gay was born in England to a cobbler who wanted John to grow up to be one too. When he pretended to be going for cobbling lessons (whatever cobbling is), John was in fact going to sewing classes. He grew up in Yorkshire. At the age of eighteen he met his "lifelong friend", Alexander Pope who worked in London and was on a visit to Yorkshire to visit his sick mother. At least that's what he said he was doing, a man similar to him was seen running away from a bank carrying a large sack at one point during the week. Alexander befriended Gay whilst giving a lecture at one of his sewing classes.

After Alexander returned to London, John moved to the capital to pursue his fortune, soon after admitting his sexuality to his parents ("I'm a gay man, mammy") and getting "booted".


In London, Gay got a job writing short stories for a newspaper. Gay's pastorals were found amusing on their own account but the accompanying pictures of the English country lads and the things they used to get up to with each-other, also received wide acclaim.

Later, Gay wrote a play entitled What d'ye Call It?, a comedy which the public could make neither head nor tail of but which turned out to a precursor to Saw. Given the public's confusion, Gay wrote a companion book entitled "A Key to What d'ye Call It". He considered calling it "Saw For Dummies" but was concerned that this title would cause it to get mixed up with one of R.L. Stine's books which would be ignominious for any writer so he changed the name.

Gay's Big Break[edit]

At some unidentified point in the future, Gay wrote The Beggar's Opera which upset the PM but garnered critical acclaim. "TBO" was credited to have made "the rich gay and Gay rich". There was no account of the aristocracy ever engaging in sodomy at the time of the play's release however.

Other stuff[edit]

Gay also wrote a play entitled The Rocky Horror Picture Show which was deemed vulgar and indecent without even being funny, rather like Billy Conolly these days. It was turned into a musical years later however in which Gay's descendant, Tim Curry, starred in the lead role, previously played by Gay's best mate, Alexander Pope. The modern audience appreciated it much more. Gay co-wrote the play with two other obscure people who denied all claim of ever having co-written it and left Gay to take the rap. Bastards.

Gay later wrote a sequel to The Beggar's Opera entitled The Beggar's Opera 2: Polly's Revenge. A half-written script for a third follow on to The Beggar's Opera called The Beggar's Opera 3: Beg Hard was found in Gay's abode soon after his death.


“The Gay Residence, master of the house speaking. SHERIDAN!”

~ John Gay answering the phone in his home and speaking to his adopted son

Gay retired from writing in the summer of 18 something and moved to a mansion near some village where his family used to live but now they were all dead meaning that Gay was quite literally "the only Gay in the village."


“John Gay's dead? DANG!”

~ Oscar Wilde on John Gay's death

Gay died in the later 18th century. His tombstone was erected by his immortal life-long friend, Alexander Frank. N Pope. The gravestone bears Gay's mocking couplet

“Life is a jest and all things show it, I thought so once and now I know it.”